Hi. So…. Odd that even this introductory hello that no one will read is so difficult to write. Comical, in its way. Hi. The reason I’m starting this blog is one of necessity. You see, like many people, and equally unlike all of them in exactly the same way I have some, oh, let’s call them issues for now… And they are things which require explanation and expulsion through the medium of language.
I have never been good at, or developed a habit of expressing my feelings verbally. I am however, in all other respects, considered an excellent communicator. I believe that’s one of those chucklesome personal ironies. Possibly, but hopefully not a ‘tragic flaw’.
I have in the past maintained diaries of my feelings for the express purpose of being able to accurately share the details of my emotional turmoil without having to force my tongue to wrap itself around horrid vocalisations. For no reason clear to me I am perfectly happy to be honest in text.
Of late, and really for many years (though they blur together into a fog of unquestioned and intended amnesiacal relief) I have failed to express my feelings about myself, the world and my partner to her in a useful way. This is to my deep regret. In my defence (to which I spring, though woundedly with shame) I have not always been all there. But then who is?
Regardless. I have been increasingly locked within myself and unable to do more than ocular pleading and grim steadfastness. Both of which are useless.
So – in a roundabout and obfuscatory manner, this blog is here so that I can relate my feelings, in detail, in freedom for her benefit. So that I can properly share myself as I would wish. I also consider the process of self-revelation to be valuable and a massive improvement on my natural inclination to bury, ignore, deny and forget.
I anticipate that this will be an erratic, probably irritating memoir of my mind and mood. Apologies in advance.