Captain Pigheart’s Pirate Stories

Ahar! My name is Captain Ignatius Pigheart and I welcome ye to me tales of misadventure, mirth and piracy on the high seas. Perhaps ye likes pirate stories of the beasts of the sea, or romance midst the ocean’s spume. Mayhap tis yarns o’ family and the bonds twixt one pirate and his fellow. Aye, ye’ll find ’em all in these pages. Me favourite things are wenches, rum, violence. And tiddly-winks. Mermaids, sea-battles, a blind grope in ye dark, breedin’ neutered cuttlefish, grog, whale ale, the congress o’ the manatee and the sloth, poor-punchin’, the smell o’ brine in the mornin’ and fish in the evenin’.

“Gaargh, I were tossed off into the surf by me slippery serpentine steed.” – Captain Pigheart All Washed Up

“We’d been at sea some while and the lads were growin’ crazed as a hermit crab in an undersized shell. ” – The Bangin’ Choon Adventure

“Me britches’re stained with the love juice of an impudent mermaid. ” – The Mermaid Adventure

“Hamish struggled in the crab’s squeezin’ till his eyes bulged and his sporran quivered – thank the gods for his deep-fried-flabbiness, it’d be awhile before findin’ bone  ” – The Crustacean Adventure

On occasion I’m let loose in public…

The Tales

A bit about ye beloved (or soon to be beloved) Captain

Captain o’ the Grim Bastard. Also captain until recent-like o’ the Good Ship Lollipop. Gaaargh. I be a handsome devil with a fondness for grog and ye ladies. If ye be lookin’ for a hookin’ then ye be in the right place. Arrr, I be a pirate to sweep ye off ye feet (or foot. This old sea-dog understands ye needs.) and show ye a fine time with me seamen. Me crew are the foulest of ocean scummers, tis a toss up twixt them and me enemies as to me greatest trouble. We battle sea-beastery, incompetence, the gods of the waves and a horrid tendency to drink…