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Mental Health Track 022

Slept. Very tempted to leave it at that, but my brain desperately needs to wake up properly. Honestly, the mornings when I’ve slept this week feel twice as bad as those where I haven’t. I guess the gap in consciousness from sleeping leaves me open to comparison and recovery, whereas not having slept means its been continuous and so the slide is harder to notice. I’d been hoping to grab a half hour lying down yesterday afternoon, but that didn’t happen so I cycled back into town for rehearsal, then planning and running a Star Wars-themed improv drop-in. Despite my utterly incontinent swearing (yes, even worse than usual) it was really good fun and by that point I was wide awake and manically hyper again. I did stay out and have a couple of drinks before cycling home and while I felt terribly awake when I got back, I did wind down and fell into bed around midnight.

Consequently I smashed through all of my alarms and am now late to everything. Done the workout though (nearly fell over a couple of times) and am now doing this while enjoying both the smell of my coffee and the warm air coming in the window. I am immensely pleased to have slept last night – Tuesday and Thursday nights this week for the win! Although I do suspect today, or at least this morning would have been easier if I hadn’t… I’ll see how long I last.

There is certainly something to be said for the mental fluidity that comes from being really tired out (apart from the swearing and declining vocabulary). That degree of knackered hyper was something I previously found very useful for a lot of our earlier improv shows. It’s a looseness somewhere in my head which I like a lot, but the other aspects of being that worn out are really not good at all. The shakes continue mightily today and I’m definitely seeing ghost shadows in corners. Never mind the distant sound of knocking which might possibly be someone at the door. And the echoes of peoples’ voices. Yup, this isn’t a good trade off for not sleeping. Not sure that sentence even made sense either. It’s going to be a good day.

Curiously, or perhaps not (ah excellent, qualify everything) I’m not feeling down or sad about not sleeping. It may be that I’m currently tired enough and bouncing between simply being awake and my eyes wanting to shrivel up that I don’t have the bandwidth to expend on emotional (I wanna say “valency”, but that isn’t the right word and I don’t know what the right word is) stuff. Something of a relief I suppose. I am lagging badly though, like my skin is being pulled along elastically by movement; or my bones are unnaturally heavy and the centre of gravity is right behind me.

Mental Health Track

A purposeful daily attempt to track how I feel and what I’m doing.

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