Another week, eh? Alright, I think I can handle it. I’ve now had five OK nights’ sleep in a row. Not amazing sleep where I wake up and fist punch the sky because I’m so happy to be alive (it’s unlikely I’ve ever done this), though Saturday morning came close. Plenty of waking up in the night for a few moments and waking too early, but it feels as if the sleep is beginning to stabilise. Obviously I’ll now utterly wreck that this evening. Similarly, last night had me highly displeased to wake up at quarter to five, though I did send myself back to sleep again. I’d like to return to waking at seven, but it seems like that might be pushing it right now. A good measure of how restful the night was is just how obliterating a basic kettle bell workout is. Today’s felt eminently manageable for the first time in weeks, rather than like my body was being dragged through (painful) treacle.
As you can see, I’m desperate to proclaim victory and stop fretting about this whole thing. It almost gives me some space to think about the other objectives of giving up sleeping tablets – having feelings and being able to use my time as I wish. I think, for a long time, I’ve thought of anxiety and depression as feelings: “how are you?” “Well, I’m super-fucking anxious.” But they aren’t feelings, they’re just states which either conflate or obliterate actual emotions, just like the drugs that ease them. What am I left with in the absence of all those? I’m not sure (though I am reminding myself how much I despise people framing their own questions instead of answering what you wanted), and I imagine I now have more work to do in paying attention to myself in the moment. Hopefully my default state is this nice calm one (again, is this a feeling…) in which the present is agreeable and the future is maybe even possible.
I’m not thinking about much else this morning – it’s a hazy day outside, and while I am quite awake, there’s a similar haze inside. I’m looking forward to a day where I don’t feel like death has stolen my skin and where I don’t think continuously about closing my eyes. Becoming unfuzzed from lack of sleep is going to be a great feeling, I think. Who knows what I’ve forgotten about entirely in the last few weeks! Meanwhile, there are important planning and preparation things to do for various shows like Star Wars and UKGE and thinking about August. When I’m not calm, the prospect of planning out future events fills me with utter dread, so perhaps right now is a good time to refill the calendar.