Wow, it’s powerfully bright outside. Or eyes have grown mole-like and crave only the darkness of sleep. A bit of both I think. Well, I feel a lot better than yesterday which is a good start on the day. That’s at least partly because I managed to express a whole range of things last night which I’ve been struggling to articulate while bring knotted up inside my head. As ever, simply talking is useful and does a lot for making me feel better. By talking I obviously mean writing. This journal entry is often the end of feeling however I do, not the beginning or the middle; it’s a record of how I’ve been, not always how I am.
It’s main benefit is in making me feel thoroughly sick of myself and perversely intent on doing something better. So I was finally awake at seven again this morning, despite hearing the alarm and thinking… “I could just fuck that off.” And I could have done, even though I’ve set the volume to continuously ramp up until it sounds like I’m in the middle of a thunderstorm under my eye mask. So yeah, I’m up and exercised and writing this and it’s barely eight o’clock (a very slow wander towards exercise this morning). I don’t know what I do with my legs while I’m asleep but the goblet squats were an absolute bastard.
Fundamentally, things feel lighter and brighter today. I’m not psyched about being on an emotional see-saw; I don’t like real see-saws, they make my teeth hurt (same is true with swings, I don’t know what that’s about, but it really makes them feel nauseatingly loose when I swing back and forth or up and down; pretty sure they’re OK the rest of the time). It’s a wearing thing, in its semi-unpredictability and its effect on all forms of progress. It is important to me that I can get my work done, that I can do the fun things I want to and enjoy them. I have always had a strong work ethic (I’m not counting uni, I had no work ethic of any kind there), and I feel proper responsibility to undertake my commitments and do them well. It pains me when that quite low bar feels out of reach. I have various other commitments and when they all feel too hard I feel like I’m falling behind in a race I never consented to join.
Gotta get shit done, even if the stuff that needs to get done is just sitting around and reading. I also think I’ve been reading my current book for too long. Even though it’s very good and I’m enjoying it, it seems like weeks have passed watching the percentage bar on my Kindle approach seventy. Soon. I made myself build a pretty little LEGO model last night so I could feel like I’d done something yesterday, and it helped. Creating something – anything – every day is good.