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Slightly Broken: Rigid With Effort

Well my shoulders are an agony of tension. Feels like i’m going to pop my shoulder blades out from squeezing so hard. And breathe… Attempt to relaxe (not one of my strong suits).

So, some disclosure required to explain why my spine is trying to escape through my skull. I’ve been in well, therapy I guess, for a little over a month now. Ostensibly it’s for sleep disorder (I am a bad sleeping person), but I was well aware when I signed up, or rather allowed the doc to refer me that it was cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and that I was unlikely to be able to tackle sleep in isolation from the fuckeduppeness that inhabits, or is, my mind.

Gosh what a long sentence. And that’s very much been the way of it today. I had a telephone appointment with my Brain Lady today. She’s great, and i’ve found myself far more able to engage and talk about myself than i’d imagined or desired.

I need to rewind to last week… Last week we were talking about mental and thought behaviours- those horrid loops and murky waterfalls we/I (own it!) can sucked into when i’m quiet or down. I managed to evade the deeper issues avenue too easily with a shield made of deflection, humour and ambiguity. Thus denying myself the route to discuss them which is what I really want. Afterwards I was furious with myself and thoroughly antisocial at work. All because I need a push. There’s nothing worse than crying for help too quietly or obliquely for anyone to hear you. It’s annoying, disappointing, hurtful and makes you do stupid things to get attention.

Obviously we’re supposed to just say stuff. And I couldn’t tell whether my Brain Lady was waiting for me, hadn’t noticed or whatever. Naturally I blamed myself. I did write about that, but I haven’t typed it up (might do that later) as it was immediate and veryfuckingannoying.
What i’m writing about now is actually a form of celebration, personally. I managed to broach the subject of wanting to talk about issues which have in the past lead to self-harm and sadness and frustration. It wasn’t easy, and my Brain Lady had to endure a lot of elliptical and sidewaysy endless sentences. But I got there, and said that there were things I believed I was just avoiding and had done forever, or had forgotten about how they make me feel when I do recall them. About as vaguely as here – i’m in a process.

But I feel enormously relieved. I’ve admitted that I have both a need to talk about stuff (most over-used word in my mind), and that i’ve been endlessly evading it, and that doing so made me really angry and upset.

So what now? I get to think about what I want some more. I’ll continue with my new sleep routine and habits, which have helped loads (more about that another day) and keep trying to write about how I feel and why I think so stupid.

So… In continuous personal bravery and optimism, plus knowing I do stuff if I promise to others that will… Things to talk about further include (and I pause here, to breathe and prevaricate): sexual abuse, self-harm, drug use, introspection, family and love, dreams and what the fuck happens in my head.

Right, best publish this now before I retract it!

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