This is a backdated post, so apologies for the lack of ordering. To be fair (to myself) that’s much like the inside of my head so I guess it’s appropriate. What follows is straight from my hand-written diary of brain thoughts, and led directly to setting up this blog anyway. This is me just starting a course of cognitive behavioural therapy for wellbeing and sleep disorder.
18/04/12 – the night before a therapy session.
So I’m doing this therapy tyhing – a referral from my doctor, ostensibly for sleep disordery things, but increasingly it’s making me think about depression and anxiety. I guess those are underlying or related issues. I know I’m going to end up having to talk about things I don’t want to – I have already hinted at them, so I’m kind of committing. Honesty’s a bitch. I don’t want to lie to this ‘brain lady’ who I’ve told that I want to help me, so I guess… I won’t? I’m both nervous about it all and relieved. I know we’re going to talk about self-harm, which will eventually wind its way back to abuse and all godknowswhat.
There’s a plan though – come off the amitriptyline (can only spell that with the aid of the internet) and get a proper sleep pattern. Whatever else comes up – fine. Get it out, right? Am I to return to my teen years of endless self-indulgent self-analysis? Or was it? Was it actually much-needed introspection that kept me alive? Maybe. If so, it’s just stupid to ignore it and deny the validity or utility of the process, just because I can’t quite recall feeling that way. I do have all the notebooks still, of course. Would re-reading them (if they’re legible) be like feeling it all again? I just don’t know if I actually am that emotionally cut off from myself and others.
I feel better for having someone to talk to but I’m also fascinated to know what the brain lady thinks of me! Massive egotism, narcissism, but also I can talk of myself and that’s great, but don’t the opinions of others matter? I think that’s how we evaluate ourselves- against or at least to the extent that we agree with someone else’s ideas or model of ourselves. Ah I don’t know. Really I’d like another whiskey – squash some of this down and just get drowsy. I am unlikely to be a good patient – endless second guessing, enjoying the ‘game’ of it all – the attention and the opportunity to indulge myself.
Maybe those are things that I or anyone else needs. And I’ve denied myself that opportunity until now because I’ve felt it too difficult or unhelpful. At the weekend I need to go through some of those notebooks and get a sense of what the fuck I was thinking when I was 17 and 20-something. To night no? Yay.