A Blur of Days
If I thought the weekend before last took forever, this last week has taken at least a month to go past. I can remember days occurring, but not what happened in them. I’m pretty sure I just stared at my computer (no change there then). That odd sensation of being adrift in the time stream where the world just slews around you at a different speed is slowly reducing, which is good because it’s damn creepy. I’m now trying to get my routine back in shape – we were going to bed after one almost every night last week and I can’t keep doing that.
Y’know, I’m trying to write this now and it’s just a blur of non-words and emotional blanks. I really just want to get on with doing something, but it’s been another day of failing to achieve anything at work. That’s getting all too common. The most I feel I can hope to achieve is just to read a book – that seems to go alright, though when I pick it up again the next day I have to skip back a dozen pages to find anything I remember. I guess this is grief.
I went to the funeral director’s with my Mum and step-dad. I’ve never been involved at that stage before and it’s amazing how many things there are to consider, be consulted on, to approve, to debate, to get hysterical over. Obviously there are complications – Colin’s body still being in Inverness for example. I’m glad I’ve been able to offer some support to my Mum – makes it feel more like I’m doing something. After that we went to Colin’s house. He was not a tidy man… I can’t really complain – hoarding is a family curse. I found myself wondering why on earth someone would keep so many old cameras or bicycle inner tubes, before reflecting on how many hang off a nail in my garage, above the rusted frame of my last bike: chilling.
We’ve found at least some of the things we need to find though and with siblings and partners have begun to reveal some floor spaces and see the surfaces of furniture again. It doesn’t feel as personal as I’d expected, but then little of it is really personal possessions – endless letters, magazines, clothes and stuff but it doesn’t tell you much about who Col was – he was a man defined not by the things around him but by what he did. I think that’s good, but he could have used a filing system, for our sakes.
♥ This week’s scribbles
Probably… I got a few things done last week – not necessarily the stuff I wanted to do, but whatever I’d already prepared a little for. I’m struggling to even write this, let alone get on with writing more story chapters (though I want to, I really do). So this week’s going to be even more erratic I’m afraid. I’m not even going to commit to days… Mainly this week I need to write the eulogy for Colin. I’d considered writing from scratch, but I can’t face it. I feel I said much of how I felt last Sunday, so hopefully there’s enough there to adapt. Maybe it was that writing which divorced my mind from body so much, any other words I put down have less worth.
The Desert Crystals – Part 23 “Vanishing Distance” It can be hard to get perspective high above the clouds.
Stuff in the Post: Where’s the Cheese? Another fine Kickstarter project sends out their rewards.
Last week’s scribbles
Thanks For Everything, But He’s Gone – thoughts and memories of my uncle who lost his life in the Scottish Highlands last week
Book Review: Feast and Famine by Adrian Tchaikovsky – an excellent compendium of short stories
Shankchism: The Gash of Angry Poetry – some vitrilioc verse for the week
Colin Barnfather: Condolences and Memorials – funeral, memorial and charity notices for Colin
Updates on my thrilling life
Faint progress again. I decided I needed Lego so I went out and acquired Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles Lego. It’s nice stuff, and deceptively complex to build. It filled some of those brainblank moments that otherwise I’d just have stared at the wall during. I can tell I wasn’t really paying attention because I constantly forgot what page of the construction I was on and had to dismantle or figure out what the hell I’d done.
Dismantling older builds was easier and felt more productive…
Last week’s Gorilla Burger raised £110 for Colin’s JustGiving page which is really cool. I took part in Parky’s ‘Newsshite’ which was fun though I don’t remember it well. I decided to perform rather than hang back; I think it was a good idea. I did a fun ‘Hey You Down There’ with Max and enjoyed a hyperskeptical police interrogation with Amy. I drank, I laughed.
I was on better form by Saturday night, performing in Lloydie’s birthday party show – a long Armando thing – along with Marilyn. Neither of us were sure we wanted to get up there initially, but it was fun and felt like the right thing to do. We made viable, if disturbing offers and had a bunch of enjoyable scenes.
We’re back with the beginner’s tonight. It was a great thing to do last week and I totally focussed on it and forgot everything else while we were teaching. I liked that. Hopefully I’ll get into the same zone later on. The group are going to be marvellous -once more we have a strange and diverse mix of people. That range of ages, backgrounds and interests makes it fascinating to watch and prod.
Makers by Cory Doctorow was brilliant. It’s carried me through the week quite well. I can’t remember what I’m reading now, but I very much doubt that’s any comment on the (mysterious) author.
Events and Excitement
Friday 25th October 2013
MissImp in Action – live improv comedy show
Thrilling all-action end of the month show sporting the best of MissImp inventing scenes and playing games.
The Glee Club
8.30pm (doors open at 8pm) – £4.50 in advance/£6 on the door (£3 students/MissImp)