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Mental Health Track 012

It Is a beautiful sunny morning, hazy blue sky and up here in the rarefied heights of the library, feels very warm indeed. Sleep: success. It took a while to fall asleep, but I stayed asleep well, despite waking up with the sun initially because I somehow managed to lose my sleep mask during the night. I think a couple of nights without sleeping enough likely contributed most to this minor snoozing victory, I certainly didn’t feel the reassuring drag of the sleeping tablets now that I’ve lowered the dose. The plan is to remain on this two thirds dose for the rest of this week, and if by Sunday I’ve found I am mostly getting enough sleep, halve that again and see how it goes for another week.

In just three days I’m already reminded of how profoundly sleep or the lack of it impacts mood. I didn’t get enough sleep on Saturday night, but I didn’t really care much as I was having a nice dopey Sunday going to the cinema and had nothing in particular to achieve. Yesterday however was like wading through glue. It’s the dullness and stupidity that come with sleeplessness that really annoys me, that and the muted frustration at feeling so inept. That faded away eventually, with a risky second cup of coffee in mid-afternoon, purely to get me through a meeting at four. Inevitably I at last perked up in the early evening and started to get things done once more. I suppose that’s a reminder that I’m a natural night owl, even if there’s no work routine that can support it. Sad owl noises. I tend to think of these morning exercises and writing as being in spite of my late night preferences (I certainly had no trouble at all staying awake till 6am on Sunday morning), and I make the excuse that it’s easier to write while my brain is offline. There’s something to that for sure, but also this is the part of the day when it’s easiest to carve out extra time. Once I’ve begun work, that’s a world of extra thoughts, distractions and duties which I find it challenging to step outside of. After work there are too many other things, places to go and routines of their own. And it is easier to write in the morning. I don’t mind catching up later, and in some ways the fully awake vocabulary has real benefits, but in general this is a freeing time and I enjoy it – as long as my eyes aren’t trying to close themselves. Where was I? Oh yes, the mood swings. Today, I’ve had most of the sleep I was aiming for, even if Geiger apparently abandoned me because I wouldn’t stop rolling over and disturbing him. And it feels alright. I feel quite bright, and even optimistic about getting some things done today.

For now, it looks like it’s going to be a good day.

Mental Health Track

A purposeful daily attempt to track how I feel and what I’m doing.

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