I’ve just finished the first period of therapy I’ve had in my life. Its purpose, on referral from my GP was to address sleeping problems. My sleep had gotten so irregular, and so bad that it was affecting many aspects of my life and I finally conceded (with incredible and typical reluctance) to proceed with the wacky notion that talking to someone might help.
And it’s been quite remarkable. Transformative even. I’m not fixed, but it’s been very useful. I was challenged and encouraged to define objectives I wanted to achieve – my objective was to consistently get 7.5 hours sleep per night. Well i’ve pretty much got that.
I also have a morning and evening routine which ensure I do more of things I enjoy. And that’s another thing – this process has reawakened a self-reflective insight which i’d largely shut down. I’ve been helped to figure out what it is I enjoy doing and why. I’ve managed this fairly quickly, perhaps because despite my initial cynicism I do like to talk about myself – I’d just forgotten how. It’s helped me to realise just how closed off from myself I have been, which suggests i’ve been terribly shut off from others too.
The therapy process did get thrown from its original object, sleep, because it is impossible to talk about yourself without admitting all of yourself into the discussion as exhibits and evidence. I knew this was likely to happen and had to battle with myself to bring up the subject of sexual abuse. It was horrible. But in doing so I can move on from this awesomely useful process and refer myself to another organisation who can help me figure more of this abuse crap out. I feel nervous, and worried, but I also feel more powerful than I have in a long time. As my Brain Lady said – anger is a good thing, it means you’re not directing it inwards. I like anger – it’s clear cut blazing black and white with none of the numb grey in between. I can do angry. And I can talk about myself. I didn’t think i’d be able to do that.
Moving forwards: I have to maintain my routine – i’m off the sleeping tablets, i’m more prolific, i’m happier, my skillz are sharper and better. I need to find some system for checking up on myself – here perhaps. I need to refer myself on to a sexual abuse counselling service. It’s going to hurt and be stressful, but I think I can, and I want to do it. I need to repair and improve the relationships I have damaged and continue to damage while I am Slightly Broken. I get to return to my Brain Lady in a few months for a review, and I want to be able to report progress.
