Shout Ye Words Out

Yarr, I’m pleased to say I’ll be hostin’ a brace o’ spoken word events this coming week of the comic variety in Nottingham. They’re both open mic, the first strictly story-telling, the second for all ye spokish things.

First is in ye uncommon locale of the Nottingham Central Library – a rare shore for a pirate to wash up upon. I’ve been invited to compere an evening of comic storytelling. I’ll be reading the odd tale of me own and drawin’ forth the comic tales of them in attendance. Tis sure to be a fine and highly literary time. The second be a more regular haunt – a tavern awash with beer, verse and tales. With luck I’ll see ye at one or t’other or both with a tale o’ comic invention.

Tuesday 11th October ~ 7pm ~ £1
Nottingham Central Library, Nottingham Library website
A fun evening of light-hearted and comedic poems and stories, written by you!  Compered by Nottingham’s very own Nick Tyler, this is your chance to write your own comic stories and poems and share them with others. Open to all, expect a relaxing, social and fun evening celebrating Nottingham’s Mental Health Week, presented by the people behind the Nottingham Comedy Festival Tickets are £1 (proceeds go to charity) and are available from the Ground Floor Helpdesk, Nottingham Central Library, 0115 915 2825. More Festival of Reading events here. Laugh Out Loud!

PUB POETRY: Open Mic Comic Lit ~ Oxjam Beeston
Sunday 16th October ~ 8pm ~ Free
Crown Inn, Church Street, Beeston NG9 1FY Pub Poetry website
Pub Poetry is an evening of comic and lighthearted open mic spoken word in pubs with Real Ale: without beer, literature is nothing.
Bring your own poems, short stories, songs – whatever you have, as long as it involves words and might be funny. If you don’t want to read your own, bring someone else’s. Or you can just come and listen, have a drink and a giggle and meet some new folk.
We’ll have some poetry books lying around, so if the urge takes you…
There’s no need to book a slot in advance (it’s much more casual than that!), but if you’d like to contact me beforehand, feel free to contact Nick at

They’ll be both occasions of fine comic quality and neighbourly conviviality – please join us. Tis all for good causes – Oxfam and Mental Health Week.

Pulp Pirate

Yarr, this week ye beloved captain’s received ye highest possible honour and had me Lost At Sea Adventure featured on me favourite podcast. Aye, ye Flash Pulp folkses’ve seen fit to include me tale on their weekly Flash Cast. Many thanks mates, ye shall be forever welcome on board the Good Ship Lollipop.

You can listen to it here:

Flash Cast 39

Tis a fine hour of pulp fiction reviews and views with a number of guest contributor’s offerin’ such diverse joy as Three Day Fish‘s film reviews, Jeff Lynch‘s increasin’ly intriguing Spot of Bother mini-documentaries, Barry‘s New York Minute, Colorado Joe, Ingrid‘s amazing stories from Vienna and so many more, plus a fine netful of comments and thoughts from a broad and splendid audience.

Yarr, I could not be happier to be in such salubrious company. Tis a far cry from ye Dropsy Tavern on the end of ye pier. It brings a tear o’ joy to me remaining eye – I must remember not to brush it away with me hook. I’ll be sharing me tales with ’em again, I can promise ye.

And here’s one of their fabulous promo tracks for the incredible outpouring of pulp fiction that they achieve every week. Listen to them all, or just read the whole stories on line.

Cast Adrift on Oxjam Beeston’s Tides ~ 22nd Oct

Ahar! Ye cap’n’s crashin’ ye Oxjam Comedy Afternoon with a pair o’ tales sure to cheer ye adults and upset ’em if they’ve got mites in tow. It looks to be a fine afternoon this Saturday 22nd October. It’s compered by me alter-ego (aye, I’m growing confused too) and will be surrounded by a day’s worth o’ music events scattered around Beeston and Chilwell. Come on down!

Oxjam Beeston Takeover Music Festival
Latino Restaurant, Chilwell High Road
Comedy Showcase – bringing some Fringe vibes to your Saturday afternoon.
2pm until 5pm
Wristband entry only
A cabaret show of stand-up comedy, performance poetry and improv.
Presented by MissImp with NCF Entertainment
Featuring stand up from:

Alphabetic Dialogues 10 – The Moist Pirate

The good Captain Ignatius Pigheart and his friend Horatio the Hermit are spending a penny or two in ye another Scandinavian bar. Their conversation degrades along with the whale ale.

HH ‘Tis damp out’
IP ‘Unnervin’ skill ye have there Horatio, o’ notin’ ye matters o’ least note’
HH ‘Verily was a worshipped as a Seer in the lands of me youth’
IP ‘Worshipped? Whipped I’d reckon closer to the tellery’
HH ‘eXcelling in the reading of the future was no beatable fate’
IP ‘Ye hide bears testament to a differin’ past’
HH ‘Zealots of mine enemies rose against me, jealous of my powers of foresight Ignatius’
IP ‘And so ye lurks in a cave ‘pon ye ocean’s snatch?’
HH ‘Belittling my gifts diminishes them not at all’
IP ‘Cuttin’ ye own guts out and bestrewin’ their lyin’ twists upon the floor might fray ye skills’
HH ‘Doubtless you’ve never had occasion to consult with one of my own profession, then?’
IP ‘Every seaman tosses himself into the wind no matter the squawkin’ of ye gut-wranglers’
HH ‘For shame Ignatius, have not I plotted your course true this night at least’
IP ‘Gods man, ye take credit even for the cooin’ night-lasses whose throaty tune lures us from ship to tavern?’
HH ‘Hark, doubting Ignatius’
IP ‘I be harkin”
HH ‘Just – be still and at peace a moment’
IP ‘Kill the blasted seal and tell me of me future then’
HH ‘Let me just… ah’
IP ‘Mark me! Tis a miracle the beastie could fit all that inside him, however did he float?’
HH ‘Now, within the swerving entrails I see your path – a dark, doubting path’
IP ‘Oho, tis rightful sir, for I’d scarce trust the tattered bridge that wends about the village here’
HH ‘Pestilence upon your mockery! The prophet’s eye is open and sees you through’
IP ‘Quiet you, lest ye wish to remain upon this wretched rock come morning’
HH ‘Resisting the future will bring you only pain Ignatius. Fight not the truth of my augury, for you flail futilely against my foretellings. Pain, pain!’
IP ‘So ye be stayin’ here in Mudflapperson then Horation?’
HH ‘There are many interpretations a man can draw from the innards of a seal. Mayhap I’ll cast again.’