Shankanaliadelika – Poems of Rage

It seemed time to lump a few more pieces of bitter and violent verse together. This may very much not be your thing, but you’ll have to accept it for what it is: work therapy. Without this tiny release into the land of Shankanalia I would almost certainly be taking bits off people and posting them to their parents. This keeps me calm and friendly. It’s possible I should drink less coffee. Ho hum. If you do like them, why not follow @shankanalia on Twitter and receive anger directly. Won’t that be fun. I kind of see them as both poems and potentially songs. I usually get a stolen jingle in my head when I’m jotting them down. Plus I’ve never really grasped the idea of poetry that doesn’t rhyme so I do consider them short songs really. If you want to sing them out loud, well I’d be thrilled and only slightly weirded out.

We’re All the Same Inside
I opened you
To look inside
What a surprise
To find you died

I Can Help You
Do you have GPS on your phone?
Could you give to me your location?
Missile targetting system programmed…
And launch…

Help Me to Help You
Knife to your throat
Type in the letters
I read to you
What did you type?
Those aren’t the letters
Let’s try again
Knife to your first-born

Be Sad
There’s something I used to whisper in your ear
To bring you pain and oddly cheer
Now when you wake up full of weeping
You know why.

Theory of Mind
Sweet fucktard
Instructions to your mind
Re-routed through you arse
Fart-filtered thoughts
Pink-eyed mind

Your indicators’re in easy reach
I’ll use my knife to learn and teach
That you don’t use ’em
Indicates to me
You’re a one tonne twat

I Value your opinion
SHOUT you fuckers
SCREAM you wankers
BELLOW your inanities
Bloody my mind with your volumised vacuity
Your thoughts are worth more than mine

Stop Talking
My cranium implodes with the noise of your voice
Detonation vocalisation
Your senseless prattle erodes me
Empathic void
Be quiet

Your spinal deformity makes you
Unusually bendy
Your skeletal flexibility
Missision Impossibility
Hunchy invisible concave-spine gal

Talk Like A Pirate Day

Ahoy mate, now if ye’ve ye heads about the region of ye shoulders ye’ll be well aware o’ the upcoming joy that is Talk Like A Pirate Day on 19th September. Tis a noble celebration of the bastard accent and I commend all who attempt it. As a practisin’ pirate it falls to me and me kin to attempt an elucidation o’ the elements that’ll bring ye to a satisfying piratical climax. So to speak.

Now there be several elements to makin’ ye pirattitude evident. There be ye accent, aye. And also ye attitude. Some may find a certain distortin’ o’ words enables ye inner buccaneer to swash his buckle. I’ll lead ye through me own thinkings and ye may apply the learning to ye own heart.

First here: ye accent

Aye. We’ll first of all scorn them as are knowledgeable about language who’d doubtless spoil our games by pointing out that ‘ye’ be pronounced ‘the’. Tis a convenient abbreviation o’ the ancient thorn ‘th’ sound. However, we’re in the realm o’ fantasy in the nature of our piracy and we can happily ignore ’em. Nay – gash ’em with ye cutlasses, but descend not to the level o’ text speech. Or I’ll cut ye.

I can offer but a few hints, for the ability to piraticise ye voice depends on a number o’ factors. First, have ye consumed rum – or at least strong dark ale? If not, tis like ye voice’s the quality of a choirboy. Ye must roughen it somewhat (without renderin’ yerself mute for a week) with liquor, or salt-air breathing – tis up to ye. I favours the grog in me later years. Ye’ll likely find ye lips be-quirk in odd ways when ye speechify – practice first ye ‘arrr’. I’ve found a full-throated ‘gaaargh’ to broaden me dialect and ready me for the corsair consonants that follow.

Second, compile ye accent. First, try out ye finest West Country accent (‘oo-arr, that’s roight me lover, I’ve a great fondness for ye marrows’) – tis ye typical mocking farmer accent, but has a grace and warmth about it – try here for a sterlin’ example o’ the talk: Tis the accent used and allegedly initiated by one Robert Newton o’ Hollywoodian fame. Now add to that the kind o’ Irish accent that ye Americans think runs wild about ye Emerald Isle, with no regard for the distinct sound of ye Irish folk. Aye, I’m meanin’ ye ‘Lucky Charms’ type o’ accent.

Blend ’em together. Ye should aim for one third West Country, one third cereal-box Irish and a third o’ total bollocks.

Second here: attitude

You’re a pirate – scourge o’ the seas, lover o’ women though ye be oft unwashed and then with brine. Ye’re a manwench o’ vitality and force. Ye take on the ocean’s odds daily and mostly come off well. There’s a cutlass in ye hand and mayhap a prosthesis or two about ye other limbs. Master o’ the waves, answerable to none but ye beloved crew. Aye – stick that in ye pipe or tankard (for them as are not smokin’ folks). Tis the force behind ye words as ye sit, a merwench in ye lap, and declaim at ye colleagues that’ll tide ye over when ye accent fails ye. (And if ye be keepin’ it up all day, it likely will.) Answer ye telephone with a roar.

Third here: language

Make it up. Aye. Tis true. Hack and slash ye own words till they fit the rhythm of the waves. When ye speaks imagine wooin’ a merwench with ye oceanic poetry. Croon to ’em and draw ’em in with ye neologistical courtship. If ye seeks inspiration be a-visitin’ the pages o’ Shakespeare and Chaucer. Them’s be the rolling near-verse like sounds ye seek.

Perhaps I might inspire ye similarly. I humbly offers to ye me own fruits. Nay ye daft sod tis not an offerin’ o’ that sort. Dive deep into ye voice and relish it. I guarantees ye a day o’ joy (and later agony o’ throat) – now enjoy. Perhaps ye might like to read one of me adventure to ye reluctant workmates? Tis a fine way to acquire the voice and encourage ye fellows. Find all the adventures here.

Shankanolalia – The Sensation of Being Verse-Shanked

While it’s always pleasant to be prolific I’m actually a little worried by how much anger I’ve been leaking into the internet. So it may as well increase with another bumper collection of mean-spirited Twitter verse from @Shankanalia. Again, I feel I should defend some of my harsher words here and point you to the real source of blame which is definitely not me…. It’s work, it’s the continuous frustration of dealing with other people who bewilderingly do not do things in exactly the same way that I do. Oh, and our absymal tools. Oh woe is a computer purchased in an ill-considered national contract. Sigh. Enjoy/despair.

Angry Tom
Get opened
Get cutted
Be an eviscerine
Cos I’m a shank machine

Infinite Stupidity
If I cut off your face
Took a peek in your holes
Would I find you inside
Or a tiny small person
Whose face just might hide An infinite regression of homunculi

O so bright o so chirpy
But your life is a sham
Make polite conversation
Counting out pills
O so bleak full of pity
Take out your big knife

Old and Still Dull
Your ceaseless prattle
Your endless moans
Do you hear the rattle
Inside your bones?

Sad man sitting
Red Bull and cigarette
Sad man thinking
Lonely and heart upset
Sad man hanging
Adrenaline and anoxia

Prison Sweet
They sent me down cos I cut ya
Got raped every day cos I cut ya
But I don’t care cos I cut ya
Cos I cut ya you’ll never fiiiiiind love.

Your keyboard is my closest weapon
Stabby stabby stabby eyeholes
Broken jag of keyboard
Buried in your skull
Eyeholes full of letters
Alphanumeric sight unseen
Stabby stabby..

Why oh why Mr ‘Puter can’t you work?
If you can’t work then I can’t work too
Mr ‘Puter don’t you know I need you
Guess I’ll just go home now

Don’t Talk No Proper
Said the boy to the man
You ain’t got nuffin ya get me
Said the man to the boy
I got your face on CCTV
Said the boy to the man
Ya get me man

Ugly Is In The Beholder
Oh lady
Lady with a warthog face
Oh lady
Lady you scare me
Please don’t look at me
Oh lady
Can’t you euthanise for me?
Oh lady

Criminal (stupidity)
Broke into JD Sports to fight the man
Just to show em we can
The shutter defeated us
Come back tomorrow when
We can shoplift instead

Regret – a Gamble
Me an dese lads broke
Inta Ladbrokes
Dint ave no money
Orses for courses innit tho
What ve odds of dat?
Shouda done maffs, ya get me.