Ye ocelot bounded out of the bush, seized me fine tricorn brim and dashed off into the grass. Ye first time twas endearing but the cursed half-deer half-aggravating vermin had been playing this game for days.
Though I’d attempted to blast the thing’s skull from off its neck I’d so far fallen short. Oftentimes I’d fallen in a river. At length the brute’d return it and prance gaily about. Gaargh, how I long to eat the creature.
I was almost knocked down by the squealing porcine form that barrelled down my dark passageway. As I turned into the parlour I found myself agog at the gaggle of gorgeous girls gathered before me. Heinz had no doubt fled in shame at the ill-fitting lederhosen I insisted the rotund little German wear.
Ahoy folkses of the sea. Tis me birthday and for fun, and a mate, I’ve recorded me Birthday Party Adventure for ye pleasure via the medium o’ YeTube. It features party games, disappointing gifts and a beast. Feel free t’enjoy, or if ye prefer here’s the written version: Captain Pigheart’s Birthday Party.
I haven’t read The Hobbit since I was ten. I say this because I’m not going to make any comparisons with the book – I don’t really remember it. I’ve got more interest in the on-screen work of Peter Jackson than I do J.R.R. Tolkien on paper.
I loved the film. Partly it was a series of pleasant surprises. I didn’t have incredibly high hopes with them stretching it out to a trilogy and besides, the poster looked like a sequel to Willow. It felt like there was great potential for disaster, but the dwarf songs are not annoying (though I still wouldn’t miss them) and very importantly Martin Freeman is not awful. He’s not great, but like in Sherlock, he isn’t fucking it up either. Maybe he’s getting better at this.
Being back in Middle Earth is wonderful. It’s like meeting old friends. I especially love that they’re reframing The Hobbit as a clear prequel to Lord of The Rings (which may well drive fans crazy). The film begins with a flashback from Ian Holm’s (proper) Bilbo just before his party at the start of LOTR and the connections made me very happy.
The dwarves are the main deal and though their makeup is so heavy you can’t really spot the marvellous British actors behind the beards they are great fun. There are too many of them to get to know properly anyway – I know them as the fat one, the ginger one, the prettyish ones, Happy, Sleepy… They fight well though in the lovely action scenes and the battles are full of axes and bludgeoning.
What else… the spectacular Stone Giants, weird but great casting choices (Sylvester McCoy and Barry Humphries). Oh, and it’s funny.
I say watch it. The next two Christmases are booked in.
All content copyright Captain Pigheart 2025
