Daily Check In, 2

‘Nother night, ‘nother morning. Today feels better, or rather, I feel brighter today. It’s the up and down which is exhausting – not knowing how I’ll feel when I wake up. But yeah, this morning I’ve been cheerfully talking to myself in the shower and having a quiet chuckle. So what’s different?

I went to bed at four, so I haven’t had a lot of sleep. Long experience with not sleeping properly unfortunately informs me that this bubbly brightness is most likely the rather manic edge I take on with the resurgence of mild insomnia. That’s OK, but it means there’s a crash coming somewhere down the line. If I keep eating I should be able to stave it off till tomorrow. Course, I haven’t had breakfast yet because the idea of eating when tired is nauseating… There’s some catch-22 bullshit right there. Even if it is a kind of manic vibe, I can make use of it. I’ve got a bunch of fiddly website things to do for work and close focus is easier like this. I also had a bright idea for some promo of our Improvised Star Wars Show, so hopefully I’ll tinker with that at lunchtime. It’s a long day though, with Smash Night this evening… Thankfully I’m not actually performing this month, and equally thankfully, my alternative plans which ruled me out of the show have also not come to fruition, as I doubt I could last 6 hours of car travel and boardgaming tonight!

I suspect another reason I feel a bit more chipper today is that I knew I was going to be tired. Usual bed time, but I didn’t get that falling asleep feeling that I adore. So I got up at 12.30 again (this is good sleep hygiene – don’t stay in bed if you’re not sleeping), just shy of becoming enraged about not being asleep. That’s a weird, familiar sensation: being slowly filled with heated rage at my body forcing me to stay awake. Instead I got up and had a mug of Ovaltine. It didn’t make me sleepy. But it was nice. I settled back on the sofa with my current book (The Crippled God, book 10 of the Malazan Book of the Fallen, by Steven Erikson) and put a minor dent in the page count while fussing little Pixie (insane black kitten) in her Bagpuss nest. It’s not the worst way to spend the early hours of the morning. By 2am I was down to a maximum of five hours sleep, which is not enough.

I find there’s a weird balance. Getting not quite enough sleep is much worse than getting way too little. I assume that’s got something to do with periods of REM sleep and so on. On three hours I reckon I’m just after completing a cycle, so my brain is tricked into thinking it’s had about enough sleep (the fool, I have surpassed my meatsuit). We’ll check on how that lasts later…

This is self-help writing, don’t freak out. Plainly I am struggling a little, but scribbling about it will help, eventually.

Daily Check In, 2.5

I have done many things today, all of them tiny tweaks of html and css. It has been intense, but rewarding. I do enjoy the laser focus of being in this tired state, even if I forget what I was doing if I look away from the screen for a second… I’m also working double time cos I’ve got a couple of days off coming up so I can spend some give with my other half and take Pixie for walkies in the garden. These are my priorities…

It made me think about the things which help in life. There are many of them but they can be hard to reach for, or even remember they exist when my brain is crumbling (like perfect but non-sentient Cheshire cheese).

Things which have been good in the last day or so:

  • Cats
  • Ravestation on PS1 (even if I’ve had to buy new, better leads so I can connect the PS2 I’m playing it through to our HD TV. Can’t believe 240p is 20 years old… And the dance mats have been folded for too long and don’t really work any more)
  • Impulse buying a new phone
  • Finishing off some artwork
  • Coming to the end of reading an epic ten book series of 800-odd page novels
  • Battlestar Galactica
  • Jack Daniels Rye Whisky
  • Thanked in the credits of friends’ podcast (a very bright surprise note while I was bumbling along, thanks guys)
  • Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life
  • Discovering I can just about do a press up without my hand screaming
  • This waistcoat
  • Building a sweet-as-fuck website
  • Receiving great artwork I’ve commissioned
  • Seeing a hedgehog

It’s not a bad list. I should probably make them more often.

Tonight I shall try to stay awake for the show.

This is self-help writing, don’t freak out. Plainly I am struggling a little, but scribbling about it will help, eventually.