Category Archives: Alphabetic Dialogues

An experiment in writing based on the classic improv comedy game, the imaginatively titled ‘Alphabet Game’. 26 exchanges each beginning with the next letter of the alphabet. The results are sometimes odd. To read more about the Alphabet Game, read here: http://missimp.co.uk/2011/03/13/the-alphabet-game/

The Dancing Adventure

imageAllow me to relate to ye the tale o’ Alan and the giant. Burly he were, and rough and tumble in manner except for his feet. Childlike would be the kindest way to describe ‘em, for they were minute and soft with the daintiest nails o’ which ye could conceive. Defining his tasks aboard ship’s tricksy – his bulk made him a fine marauder, and his twinkle-toes were ideal for dancing. Every third moon he’d combine the two in ye pirate dance-off contest.

For many years now ye buccaneer’s boogie had been the highlight o’ the seasons held down at Captain Spim’s Honolulu Boogaloo Hut, up Knifer’s Creek way.Gaaargh, twas a dance to the death. Halibut Harry (a man rank with fishy pores) was the judge at the end o’ the springy months when we returned from sea and tossed Alan into ye dancin’ pit. I’d high hopes o’ victory and wrestin’ ye ivory dancin pump back from Captain Aaaarsbeard.

Just before Alan’s opponent leaped into the pit I’d one of me hilarious premonitions o’ doom. Knives and fire danced before me eyes and cruel mocking laughter filled me ears. Less than a second’s fraction later there came a “ho ho ho” and a vast figure of a man parted the crowd like butter and stepped into the pit. Me heart thumped; Alan’s failed. Now he were a brave lad, make no mistake: he’s taken down men as wide but never so tall. Over ten foot tall at me best reckonin’, for his head pierced the open mouth o’ the pit. Perhaps he came from foreign lands where they prized his unnecessary heightitude.

Quickly the jiggy-bout was over. Right out of ye flutey gate (ye tempo was set by a hammers and metal bars and ye melody fluted o’er the top) Alan ran up the giant’s back, his delicate feet carefully placed to ride his knobbly spine. So swift was Alan’s ascent and so dainty his step that the giant barely noticed till it was too late. Tip-tap tippy tap: Alan’s tap-shoe clad feet slammed and punted into his foe’s head and shoulders. Unless ye’ve been slapped about the head with them steely toe-tips ye’ve no knowin’ of the harm they wreak. Virtuoso style Alan skipped and spun to the flighty flute-tune, every step an elegant kick to the skull and testament to his skill.

We were silent as the music tailed away, and Alan’s mount swayed in memory of his pounding. Xylophones burst into life to sound the end of the contest and the giant collapsed. Ye could not believe the roar of approval and applause as Alan nimbly hopped from the falling giant to the pit’s lip and landed in a plie. Zealously we guarded him as we seized up the ivory dancing pump and our rum reward.

An Amourous Pirate – Alphabetic Dialogues 14

image

Captain Ignatius Pigheart samples the dubious pleasures of ‘Old Maisy’s Hole’, one of the few hostelries that offer welcome to a man of the sea. Within its dank walls lie the scum of the port; gamblers, thieves, cripples and night ladies sprawl across the stained furniture. Ignatius brings out the old Captain Loveheart routine for the pretty barwench. Not Old Maisy mind. Braver men than he have attempted to plunder her charms and beaten a hasty retreat as lesser men.

‘Bashful lass eh? Come to me lap ye fine chested beauty. Don’t fear a man with just one hand. Eye too. For tis a sign o’ me bravery and manhood. Gaaargh, ye seems not tempted. Have I an unappealin’ scent about me? It be to ye credit that ye be so honest. Just withhold ye further candour for fear o’ harmin’ me pride. Know ye that I’ve wooed many a lass, above and below ye waves. Let me regale ye with such a tale o’ me piscine paramour. Me state were one o’ inebriation. No, not ye same degree as me present. Oh, for ye moon were spinful and ye stars a thicket. Pray, imagine ye the calll of a merwench. Quite the most allurin’ sound to pierce a fishy gill. Readyin’ me lovin’ portions I were, for action. Softly I called to her. Twas an arrow through me heart when she splashed towards me. Under the waves our bodies met, me leg and her tail entwined. Velvet soft was ‘er touch, aye, ye captain shivered in her embrace. Wet too, but tis expected in ye ocean. eXitin’ ye tavern already? Ye’ll be sad to miss out of the climax o’ me tale. Zephyrs o’ sighs spilled out of ye merwench in delight. And ye could be so lucky, if’n ye so choose…’

Burnin’ Vermin – Alphabetic Dialogues 12

alphabetdialoguessquarepirate

The Grim Bastard: Captain Ignatius Pigheart and ship’s cook Monty McBuboe decide on their priorities.

MM ‘Topsail’s a-flame cap’n.’
IG ‘Ulcerated albatrosses! Douse her lads, douse her!’
MM ‘Vermin are diving overboard sir.’
IG ‘Well hook ‘em back an’ bag ‘em for supper Monty.’
MM ‘eXpertly braise on ye wood fire for a satisfyin’ly smoky rat steak.’
IG ‘Your cuisine’s more appetisin’ when anonymity shrouds its shame.’
MM ‘Zoology were a bitter disappointment – they shunned me fragile digits for I were cack-handed in me mammal-handling. Now I eats ‘em in vengeance.’
IG ‘After ye’ve exhausted ye gland o’ self-pity perhaps ye’d be so kind as to return to the matter o’ me mastly immolation.’
MM ‘Burnin’ ye say?’
IG ‘Could ye kindly re-affix ye listening ear Monty. Tis lyin’ upon ye caulkin’.
MM ‘Dear captain, where would me senses be without you?’
IG ‘Everywhere about the ship I’d imagine ye leprous dog.’
MM ‘Fret not cap’n, tis but a job for a dab o’ narwhal paste.’
IG ‘Get ye ear, and get ye rats snaffled for vittlin’. Then get ye a bucket.’
MM ‘Have a heart cap’n, ye riggin’ grabbin’ll tug off me loosely hung limbs.’
IG ‘I’ve no heart for ye moanin’ – aye it’ll be some ludicrous punishment for ye.’
MM ‘Just wait till I find me union representative.’
IG ‘Killed in action last week.’
MM ‘Luckless Larry never did well in battle.’
IG ‘My doubloons were on ye enemy from the start’
MM ‘Now cap’n, lose not your heart. Ye have a fine ship and crew.’
IG ‘Oh Monty, would that I could rely on me shipmates to put out fires, and yet ye stand here a-chunterin’.’
MM ‘Perhaps ye might get more from ye crew with less sarcasm cap’n.’
IG ‘Quibbles and quiddities McBuboe!’
MM ‘Right sir, re-affix me ear, gather rats and aid ye de-flaming efforts?’
IG ‘Stop ye prevaricatin’ – tis ye fire that grows most urgent.’
MM ‘Tis a moot point now cap’n for ye sails be cindered.’

Alphabetic Dialogues 11 ~ Your Daughter, Sir

alphabetdialoguessquarefranklyn

Franklyn de Gashe fresh returned from adventures with android zombies in the past has crashed a party and fallen in love. It is not appropriate to his station, nonethless he is a persistent man. At length he consults with the father of his newfound love Emily, in the drawing room of her father’s house Greypairs, the seat of the Duke of Welmschably. It is not a comfortable conversation.

FdG “Gallantly, I stalked her across the ballroom”
DoW “Have you a different definition of gallantry, sir?”
FdG “I implore you to be silent while I recount my adventure, else you are like to misunderstand me”
DoW “Just get on with it”
FdG “Knife in hand I slipped past the champagne-touting waiters, and behind the chaise”
DoW “Let’s see, stalking and armed. This is how you come to my party?”
FdG “My dear fellow, one ought not to invite a chap if he can’t attend in comfort”
DoW “No – that’s not the same as arriving without a tie”
FdG “Oh, you and your rules. My dear duke, have you never wanted to feel free?”
DoW “Perhaps you’d consider loosening my bonds that I might embrace liberty myself.”
FdG “Quell your passions man, you’re among friends here.”
[a call from without] “Rally the guards!”
DoW “Spare me and my family and I’ll make you a wealthy man”
FdG “That’s the difference between you and she my good man. While you cower and bribe, she draped herself upon the chaise, surrounded by admirers as I approached, knifely.”
DoW “Unless you release me I shall call for my manservants.”
FdG “Very well. An honest ploy. And yet I doubt they’ll hear you”
DoW “Why you devil. You monster.”
FdG “eXhibiting a great deal of your daughter’s passion now Dukey. I like it”
DoW “Zounds man, if you’ve harmed her-”
FdG “And what if I have?”
DoW “By the good lord I’ll hunt you down if you’ve laid a finger on her”
FdG “Calm yourself. The knife was a gift.”
DoW “Doubtless your stalking was merely a dance step of sorts”
“Every move I make is a kind of dance. With death, with fate. With a lady”
DoW “FRANKLYN!”
FdG “Good lord, I’d no idea it was inheriting your lungs that made her chest so proud.”
DoW “Have you quite finished”
FdG “I have not, I’d planned to recount in full the joys of your daughter”
DoW “Joys!”
FdG “‘kerchief to wipe away your tears?”
DoW “Let me free and I’ll show you where you can put your handkerchief”
FdG “My my, perhaps I’ll have to gag you to prevent your spoiling of my tale”
DoW “No nummmph, nng, nmmuumph”
FdG “Oh, now you are tiresomely inarticulate.”
DoW “Pfah! You’re a monster de Gashe”
FdG “Query: would you commonly insult a man who’s tied you up and expressed his love for your first-born?”
DoW “Relinquish your claims to love sir, for you are a but an uncommonly debauched man and your pretense does you no favours”
FdG “So, you doubt the purity of my love for your daughter’s pale yet musuclar thighs, the bruising of her lips upon mine, the naughty twinkling in her starry eyes, the soft envelopes of her?”
DoW “Talk not of her lady parts lest I call you out in a duel”
FdG “Understand me now Dukey, after I despatched her watchers she and I eloped to a room of finery, gilded about the walls and strewn about with comfort…”
DoW “Vileness! You bedded her in her grandmother’s chamber?!”
FdG “Well there was a bony thing in the bed, but I thought it an odd doll or somesuch”
DoW “Xandria, my beloved mother”
FdG “You might find her somewhat flattened by our passions”
DoW “Zealously we shall hunt you down and make you pay”
FdG “And that’s why I offer to your charming and uninhibited daughter my hand in marriage”
DoW “Believe me when I say I’d rather endure her shame than have you as a son”
FdG “Calm now father, you’re becoming quite purple”
DoW “Don’t patronise me you scoundrel”
FdG “Everyone needs time to think things through, I’m sure you’ll reach the same conclusion about Emily that I have”
DoW “For the last time de Gashe, your insult to my family’s honour will not go unavenged”
FdG “Gallantly then, I shall now go and stalk your second, less attractive daughter.”

Alphabetic Dialogues 10 – The Moist Pirate

alphabetdialoguessquarepirate

The good Captain Ignatius Pigheart and his friend Horatio the Hermit are spending a penny or two in ye another Scandinavian bar. Their conversation degrades along with the whale ale.

HH ‘Tis damp out’
IP ‘Unnervin’ skill ye have there Horatio, o’ notin’ ye matters o’ least note’
HH ‘Verily was a worshipped as a Seer in the lands of me youth’
IP ‘Worshipped? Whipped I’d reckon closer to the tellery’
HH ‘eXcelling in the reading of the future was no beatable fate’
IP ‘Ye hide bears testament to a differin’ past’
HH ‘Zealots of mine enemies rose against me, jealous of my powers of foresight Ignatius’
IP ‘And so ye lurks in a cave ‘pon ye ocean’s snatch?’
HH ‘Belittling my gifts diminishes them not at all’
IP ‘Cuttin’ ye own guts out and bestrewin’ their lyin’ twists upon the floor might fray ye skills’
HH ‘Doubtless you’ve never had occasion to consult with one of my own profession, then?’
IP ‘Every seaman tosses himself into the wind no matter the squawkin’ of ye gut-wranglers’
HH ‘For shame Ignatius, have not I plotted your course true this night at least’
IP ‘Gods man, ye take credit even for the cooin’ night-lasses whose throaty tune lures us from ship to tavern?’
HH ‘Hark, doubting Ignatius’
IP ‘I be harkin”
HH ‘Just – be still and at peace a moment’
IP ‘Kill the blasted seal and tell me of me future then’
HH ‘Let me just… ah’
IP ‘Mark me! Tis a miracle the beastie could fit all that inside him, however did he float?’
HH ‘Now, within the swerving entrails I see your path – a dark, doubting path’
IP ‘Oho, tis rightful sir, for I’d scarce trust the tattered bridge that wends about the village here’
HH ‘Pestilence upon your mockery! The prophet’s eye is open and sees you through’
IP ‘Quiet you, lest ye wish to remain upon this wretched rock come morning’
HH ‘Resisting the future will bring you only pain Ignatius. Fight not the truth of my augury, for you flail futilely against my foretellings. Pain, pain!’
IP ‘So ye be stayin’ here in Mudflapperson then Horation?’
HH ‘There are many interpretations a man can draw from the innards of a seal. Mayhap I’ll cast again.’

Alphabetic Dialogues 9 ~ A Stump, My Kingdom For A Stump

wpid-12215472708_10150255393337709.jpg

The Grim Bastard has suffered a fatal blow amidships. She’s like to meet Mr Jones on the ocean floor, unless the varied beasts of the deep tear her asunder. And yet, escape is not so simple for Captain Ignatius Pigheart and No Hands Mick…

I “I think me peg’s grown stuck.”

M “Jammed tight twixt ye plankings, Captain”

I “Kelp be damned! Tis poor timing”

M “Lever up ye planking and make yeself free”

I “Me leg’s too short t’function as a pivot – aye I needs more lever than me thigh can offer”

M “Nay cap’n, ye should not doubt yeself”

I “Oh Mick, ye confidence does ever boost me self esteem”

M “Perhaps once ye ship revolves as she sinks ye weight’ll pull ye free”

I “Quench ye tongue – me weight’s that of a dainty wench, with the muscles of a man”

M “Right ye are cap’n.”

I “So, ye waters lap at me prosthesis”

M “Tis the way of a sinking”

I “Unhand me man, I’ve every chance o’ extractin’ meself”

M “Very well cap’n, but perhaps tis time for ye crew to ready ye minor craft?”

I “Watch me drown from afar will ye Mick?”

M “eXitin’ a water-bound vessel’s no shame for an honest mate”

I “Ye be one o’ them, or a loyal mate Mick?”

M “Zoogonous was me mother, and ye knew her well – so ye should also know well that I’ll be with ye till ye lungs fill with the cold blood o’ the ocean”

I “And that’s just the reassurance I were needin’ Mick. Me thanks”

M “Be brave Ignatius, for the end’s near”

I “Could ye stand a last rum with ye captain?”

M “Do mermaids lust after pirates?”

I “Evermore Mick, evermore. [pop] Here, drink ye this”

M “Fine rum, it has the burn of quality attained only by maturin’ within’ ye detachable peg leg flask”

I “Good lord Mick – I’m free”

M “Hop now Cap’n, hop like ye’ve never hopped before!”

Alphabetic Dialogues 8 Chess

image

‘Come on, I’m going to kill your blacks’
‘Do you mind, I’ve just sorted the pieces out’
‘Everyone knows white goes first’
**Flashback**
‘Green Jeremy. Green!’
‘Have you seen any two bits?’
‘I have seen a million Lego pieces, none of which you selected’
‘…Just want to make a tree.’
‘Kids!’
‘Lego’s for fun’
‘My god, fun? FUN? Let me tell you about fun’
‘No daddy, let’s just play Lego’
‘Oh we’re beyond that – never mix the colours!’
***Push forward through time, Jeremy is 35 and further on in the game***
‘Queen to Rook 4′
‘Really Jeremy, you surprise me’
‘Subtle’
‘That’s not a bluff, besides you’ve taken your finger off it’
‘Unless you plan to talk all day, why not execute your brilliant strategy’
‘Very well’
‘Will you stop tossing all the pieces in the box together!’
‘eXtricate yourself from that, bitch’
‘You can’t put them together – there are compartments’
‘Zealous today aren’t we’
‘All I want is to keep it tidy’
‘Beat me and I’ll let you’

Alphabetic Dialogues 7 The Bucket

image

Alpha Strangemind and The Krayfish find themselves in a stand-off. (The Krayfish is a hive entity who exists mainly in a bucket. Of crayfish. Well, he/it is the crayfish – put enough of them together and they get smart.)

‘Come any closer and I’ll nip off your pointies’
‘Don’t threaten me you scabby prawn’
‘Eventually you will grow weak and I shall destroy you and your freakish children, Strangemind’
‘Fresh fishmeat for the table. That’s all you are Krayfish’
‘Gashing you open is only the start of my plans for you’
‘Ha! As soon as you lay your slimy shell fists on me I’ll be as chitinous as you’
‘I’ve far larger crayfish to call upon who will hammer out your weak meat’
‘Just try me, prawn’
‘Keep up the taunts Strangeskin. I’d step off that puddle of fish vomit if I looked like you’
‘Let’s get down to it. You, me and a Swiss Army knife’
‘Move one inch closer and I’ll swarm!’
‘No Krayfish, you see I’ve brought Mu-Tant Ra-Koon with me, and he’s quite capable of kicking your bucket’
‘On my word I never had planned to harm you, ah ha, haha…’
‘Perhaps you forget your place Krayfish’
‘Quell my fears old frind, stand down your fur-boy’
‘Relieving myself of the advantage? I think not’
‘Supposing I were to supply you with certain nuggets of information that might tease your interest?’
‘That could well be another matter’
‘Underwater there have been murmurs of Dementia…’
‘Volupine Dementia? That vicious witch’
‘Well, that sounds like a yes’
‘eXplain to me your sources and we may grant you some leeway’
‘You’ll need to do more than that. I know when and where she’ll be’
‘Zealous bitch. Done’
‘And my product will be unharmed’
‘Brain Jam – you call that a product?’
‘Can’t complain about a profit Strangemind.’

Alphabetic Dialogues 6 The Other Half is Silence

image

Captain Ignatius Pigheart and the crew of the Grim Bastard are departing from the charming Isle of Letch. It falls to Mute Charlie, one of the cabin lads to do the ropey honours.

‘Avast there lad, cast off and we’ll be on our way’
…
‘Bring ‘em up swift lest we’re hauled backwise into ye port’
…
‘Charlie, I’ve no grasp of what ye’re seekin’ to convey’
…
‘Demonstrate ye meanin’ through a finer mime’
…
‘(Ever seen such gestures before Mick? Never mind)’
…
‘For the love of the sea-’
…
‘Grand, aye, tis righter for the rope’s in ye hand…’
…
‘Have ye no sense?’
…
‘I would have ye untie the rope from about yeself Charlie’
…
‘Just- what have ye done?’
…
‘Knots lad, get ye midget digits into ‘em’
…
‘Learning o’ the the sailorly crafts’ll be firmly impressed on ye in a moment’
…
‘My god, ye’ll be hanged if ye takes another tug’
…
‘Now see what ye’ve done’
…
‘Orphanin’ ye were never me intent, and indeed I’m awash with regret for it now’
…
‘Perhaps if ye could loosen ye right hand first…?’
…
‘Quell ye fears lad, I’ve some confidence in ye to avoid death’
…
‘Right, well done.’
…
‘So, havin’ en-looped yerself half to a mean fate through ill-mime perhaps we’ll try a fresh angle’
…
‘Tis a charcoal stick and canvas’
…
‘Unless ye fancy swimmin’ ye’ll place ‘em in ye feckless fists’
…
‘Very good, now scrawl’
…
‘Write! At least ye name – in lettering large enough for me old eye’
…
‘X?’
…
‘Ye have no letters do ye boy?’
…
‘Zwounds! I’ll be-letter ye yet.’

Alphabetic Dialogue 5 Garden Centre

image

‘Hoe!’
‘I beg your pardon’
‘Just saving what I see’
‘Kiss my arse’
‘Look who’s all touchy’
‘My arse, your face’
‘Nice.’
‘Oh grow up’
‘Perhaps we should start again’
‘Quickly before I stab you with something’
‘Raking it all over again am I?’
‘Sometimes I really dislike you’
‘Touche’
‘Unless you’re going to buy something, can we just go please’
‘Vases, great big stone garden vases’
‘Why…?’
‘eXpecting something more masculine?’
‘You can buy whatever you want’
‘Zebras! Huge plastic zebras’
‘And if you get one you’ll never get back in the house’
‘But it would great in the front garden’
‘Cock’
‘Don’t start that again – it’s retail time’
‘Everyone thinks you’re a dick’
‘Fork you’
‘Going now… Bye’

Alphabetic Dialogue 4 A Measurely Morning

On the deck of the Good Ship Lollipop, Captain Pigheart and No Hands Mick take some air.

‘Gaargh, tis a morn’ o’ uncanny brightness Mick’
‘Have ye taken ye daily measurin’s yet cap’n?’
‘I’ve me scan o’ the horizon and the pairin’ o’ compasses afore me yet’
‘Just strappin’ on me measuratin mitts’
‘Knit ‘em to ye wrists in that clockwards method’
‘Let’s take readin’s!’
‘Mick, I admires ye enthusiasm’
‘Never more enchanted by nature than when takin’ her bearings cap’n’
‘Oh ye are a child o’ science and Madame Mer indeed’
‘Place ye instrument upon the breeze’
‘Quotidian matters such as these keep a man sane at sea’
‘Right you are sir, now shalls we extend together our vanes?’
‘Slight tilt to ye weather-cock I’d not noted previously there Mick’
‘Tis a sensitive matter’
‘Unusually sensitive judgin’ from the rise in its bulb’
‘Verily, for ye salty breeze does pluck at me arrow’
‘Whence comes that wind?’
‘X – tis from the region in which we’ve buried our trove’
‘Ye speakin’s're true, I’ll note it so’
‘Zephr’s be most welcome, see how they do titillate our barometric globes’
‘Aye’
‘Beasts on ye horizon sir!’
‘Come Mick, let us stow our tools and make ready with cannon’
‘Delicate now, for our tackle’s delicate’
‘Eschew ye care for the sake of our lives’
‘Fear not cap’n, on closer peeking tis but a rock’

Alphabetic Dialogues 3 Galaxy Team

Galaxy Team villains The Vermouthinator and his crony Gutshank are in pursuit of the hated Galaxy Team…

‘You are an exexcrable wretch Gutshank.’
‘Zymon showed great promise, until we arrived’
‘And so your excuse is what, poor research?’
‘But everything pointed to Galaxy Team being here’
‘Could you just control your whine for one minute’
‘Death to Galaxy Team!’
‘Even your enthusiasm irritates me today’
‘Failing you is the worse than seeing them live’
‘Good. Despite your failings you are my favourite, Gutshank’
‘Happy to serve Lord Egregious Vermouthinator sir’
‘I know’
‘Just wanted to make sure sir’
‘Killing Galaxy Team shall, I suppose, be delayed by at least one day’
”Leven’
‘My god, can you not even speak fully anymore?’
‘No master, I’m sorry – eleven days until we can catch up with Galaxy Team’
‘Of all the cretinous activities: you’ve brought us to this abysmal rock of morons and cost me eleven valuable days?’
‘Perhaps you’d like a martini’
‘Quelling my rage with gin are we Gutshank? I could just expel you into vacuum you odious-’
‘Ready now Your Eminencial Vermouthinator sir’
‘Slip another olive in. I feel dirtied.’
‘That’s better master, there we go, just sip…’
‘Unless you have any strokes of brilliance you may leave’
‘Very well sir, though I have one thought that might cheer you up’
‘Well, go on then’
‘X-Rays. Blast the Zymonians into glowing skeletons; you always love that.’

Alphabetic Dialogues 2 Cursing HR

‘That’s inappropriate’
‘Unless you’re going to quote some policy…’
‘Various staff have complained about your behaviour’
‘Well they can fuck right off’
‘eXpletives are high on their list of concerns’
‘You’re clearly taking this personally’
‘Zesty language doesn’t bother me’
‘And yet you’re bringing it up now?’
‘Because of the volume of complaints’
‘Could you clarify the number please’
‘Don’t try to divert it into bean-counting’
‘Every swear word, or every occasion in which there’s been swearing?’
‘Fine, you want numbers? I’ll give you numbers’
‘Great’
‘Helen organised the list by curseword’
‘I cannot wait’
‘Jizz came surprisingly high on the list-’
‘Kitonaks! We were talking about Star Wars – the fat jizz-wailer in the Cantina is a Kitonak’
‘Lying won’t make this any better for you’
‘My interests in science fiction have always been a target’
‘No, that’s not true’
‘Oh, and I suppose I’m not allowed to call you Number Two either’
‘Personal attacks are strictly forbidden by our HR policy’
‘Quim. Is that in there too?’
‘Right, I’m putting that on the list too’
‘Stick that list up your arse you twatting shit maiden.’

Alphabetic Dialogues 1 The Aardvark Farm

Just for fun, using the Alphabet Game to play with constrained dialogue. Written in the shower…

‘Aardvarks Peter, aardvarks’
‘But Dad, I want to be a dentist’
‘Can’t abandon the lovely ‘varks’
‘Dad, please listen – dentistry fills my heart’
‘Everyone loves a good aard vark’
‘Father, seriously-’
‘Giving this aardvark farm to you is all I ever wanted’
‘Hey, that’s not fair’
‘It’s true’
‘Just hold on’
‘…Kept these aardvarks for forty years’
‘Let’s try to keep some perspective’
‘Me and your granddad started this farm together’
‘No you didn’t, you bought it’
‘Oh yes, you know it all, just like a dentist son’
‘Please. What about my brother?’
‘Quincy?’
‘Right, he can look after it’
‘Sold two aardvarks for a pint’
‘That I did not know’
‘Unless you care for them he’ll drink the whole farm away’
‘Very well – I’ll stay alright’
‘Well done son’
‘eXcept I do still want to be a dentist, one day’
‘Zoological dentist…?’