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The Desert Crystals: part 3 The Edge of Night

Part 3 – The Edge of Night

The Desert Crystals

The night had long since sucked the heat from the air that circulated high over the Great Bane Desert, leaving a chill breeze to compete with the airship’s propellers. The gentle thrum had lulled Jacob Bublesnatch, night watch mate of The Dove’s Eye into gazing blindly out of the cockpit. Despite travelling for sixteen days and nights around the edge of the brutal desert, the journey had been remarkably peaceful. That resulted, in no small part, from the absence of their Lord’s wife, the formidable Lady Corshorn. Their previous trip – out to the coast had been spoiled, for the crew at least, by the Lady’s shrieking at them for every excessive noise or disturbance they caused to the varicoloured birds who were intent on attacking the airship’s provocative balloon. The crew had also noted the improved mood of their captain, Lord Emmaline.

Young Jacob, on only his fifth voyage in the airship was thrilled by their passengers: the notorious adventurists Rosenhatch Traverstorm and his companions, Harvey the giant centipede and a small playful cat. When Jacob was not on watch or fulfilling the countless domestic duties that were required of him, Jacob spent his time lying on bunk flicking through the Journals Biologinary, a tattered bundle of over-fondled periodicals filled with tales of adventure and discovery. No less than twelve of Traverstorm’s catastrophic expeditions were recounted within those hallowed and inky pages and Jacob knew them by rote. When he’d learned of their guests he truly thought his heart had stopped and he spent the loading and embarkation in an excited sweaty clamminess. He had even personally taken the centipede’s weighty panniers into the cargo hold converted for the enormous creature – and been personally thanked for it.

It had proved to be a slight disappointment that the adventurers had not shot anything from the deck of the airship or attracted the attentions of some as yet unknown brute to propel them back into the Biologinary‘s pages. Jacob had contented himself with building up the courage to request an autograph, a preparation ruined when Maxwell, the cat, pounced upon one of the journals and dragged it gleefully on deck to his (possible) master. Maxwell looked on smirkingly as Traverstorm mildly condescended to the lad and signed the magazine with a flourish. Harvey had then taken it upon himself to add a trademark snap of his mandibles (the centipede equivalent of a signature), and a dedication to the brave young man in his flying machine. Had it not been in the middle of the deck, with his crewmates watching Jacob shame a lantern for beaming, he would have been much happier.

In compensation for the embarrassment Traverstorm took the boy under his wing and showed off the magnificently complex mirrored traps and goggles they had prepared for their expedition. Jacob was in no doubt that the voyage would be a tremendous success, and he had high hopes to be there when Traverstorm netted the Crystal Finches at last. That of course, wouldn’t happen, as Traverstorm and his team would be going on alone once they reached the razored ravine that had been designated as the end of the outward journey. Jacob would be staying behind on The Dove’s Eye as they waited for the heroes to return.

Jacob stared out of the cockpit into the night. The course was fixed, the wind was in their favour: smooth sailing. Pleasant daydreaming, or nightdreaming, or dreaming… even dozing his mind briefly debated the semantics of his dreamy state before his eyelids slid shut with a relieved flutter. His face rested against his hand where it loosely gripped the elevator, pulling it back. The airship began to rise. Clouds drifted idly across the glowing moon ahead; dark shapes flocked out of the night behind them.

As the airship rose higher the air grew colder. Frost began to flower across the surface of the catenary curtain and blossomed down the sides of the envelope, reaching for the gondola slung beneath. The cold air touched at the passengers in their sleep; Rosencrantz twitched and tugged his blankets (and Maxwell) closer over his chest and face; Harvey’s dreams turned sluggish and his spiracles shivered.

Back in the cabin Jacob shuddered with the chill air blowing through the gaps around the window and juddered back to wakefulness. His eyes flew wide as a black shape leaped out of the night and slammed into the window inches from his face. A scream died in his throat as ghastly foot-long talons scraped against the glass leaving jagged scratches. The lamps cast Jacob’s shadow over the creature’s face and all he saw was the gleam of curved teeth before it tore the window out of its frame. The nightmare thing squeezed through the shattered hole and spilled into the cabin. Jacob backed away until he hit the wall. The jolt finally shocked a cry out of him; once released he didn’t stop. The intruder rose up, talons extended and reached for him.

Shouts, hammering fists and the pounding of feet on wood roused the crew and passengers. Half-dressed, pistols half-cocked and half-awake the travellers warily spread on deck in a pattern of confusion. Lord Emmaline reached the cockpit first, and was the first to see the wreckage of the room.

“The boy’s gone,” he cried.

All eyes were on the night around them.

“There!” Rosenhatch’s arm speared outwards as a shadow flashed across the moon – a wide winged shape bearing a struggling human form. Lord Emmaline seized the controls and set a pursuit course.

Next Week: Part 4 – The Frothing Horror

Shankbuddy – Convenient Hate Poems

Sure I’ve had a lovely week off. Lovely because it was a week off. I’m anticipating a return to the intellectual environment that produced the poems below. That may seem rather pessimistic, but I think it’s a reasonable expectation that by Friday I’ll be writing more of these.

Follow @shankanalia on Twitter for irregular poetic updates.

Shankbuddy – Convenient Hate Poems

Shankanalia 9

Well Done, Oh Well Done Indeed
It’s not a competition
To be the biggest twat,
But if it were
(You useless fuck)
You’d win the fucking gold,
And dance and pose
To the fucking moron crowd.

Your Praise Means The World To Me
5 stars.
5 fucking stars.
5 pointed stars.
Devil sucking
Hobo performers
For the cuddly
Reward of meaningless
Paper:
Measurement of fuck all.

Hard of Hearing You
My tolerance for your bullshit is
At an all time low.
Incomprehensible mumbling,
Handwringing twat,
Inarticulate to the point
Of dismemberment.

Face-Borne Contaminants
Scream at you till my lungs are dry,
Retch cranial fluid instead of tears,
Hack and sneeze
My plague of loathing
Into your moist
Flesh sack.

With All My Heart I Embrace You
Bubbling chest of fury:
Ribs bending
Spreading
Spangling
Under pressure
Of anger;
Bloody rage flow;
Spear idiots on broken rib spars:
Bleed on you.

Sir You Vex Me
Cut you
Fuck you
Break you
With my fists
Filled with rage.
Sate it with your
Bruising
Punctured
Whimpering
Whining
Flesh.
Keep you dead.

More of The Same

The War Alone: Day One – Call Centre

The grind of days of data entry had numbed the call centre workers’ brains to an all-new low. By ten o’clock the boards were already fun and the phones were ringing ceaselessly. The supervisors prowled for difficult callers and staff taking too long to resolve their customers trivial issues.

Mike ground his teeth in frustration, listening to Mr G.E. Abbingdale painstakingly detail how hard it had been to find the number he had just called on their website. His hand sought out the remnants of his stress ball and gouged it savagely with his fingernails. He’d been there since eight o’clock and already wanted to kill everyone. The allure of going postal was powerful. Getting the guns to do it with was virtually impossible. That was probably a good thing. Probably… wouldn’t it just be freeing people from this nightmare?

War Alone - Call CentreMr G.E. Abbingdale finally ran out of steam and grudgingly conceded that he had indeed located the desired number and having done so had made this call but his need, which drove him into his number-quest, had vanished during the duration of the subsequent call. Mike ended the call and drove his thumbs into the pits of his eyes.

He raised his hand to indicate that he needed to be covered while taking a break. After receiving the hard eyes and reluctant nod of his supervisor. Mike thrust undercover finger-Vs towards the bastard. He pushed away from the desk and headed for the loos. A sudden blare of telephones accompanied his use of the urinal. It sounded like every phone on the switchboard had lit up; an excellent time to not be there. He washed his hands and rested his face on the hand-dryer before pulling himself back together.

The corridor outside was silent, a welcome relief from the endless ringing and babble. Maybe the phone system had broken down again – one of those rare but wonderful times. They would either be found some other make-work to do or told to fuck off and not expect payment for their downtime.

Large glass doors opened into the circle of hell (as the phone operators had dubbed it). Mike resignedly pushed them open, and stopped. The room was silent and still, and everyone was looking at him. The expression of sheer malice made Mike briefly wonder if he’d accidentally pulled a power plug out again. Then he noticed the stream of blood following the badly laid carpet tiles.

The door swung closed behind him, settling with a quiet sucking thump. Everyone shifted minutely. Predatory, menacing stances. Mike was uncomfortably reminded of being at the zoo, eyes following him as he walked round the cages. There were no cages here. Just his colleagues, standing by their desks. He also noticed that there were more feet under one desk than people standing behind it. A face peeked out from under the chair- Mark, one of the elite cadre of supervisors now crouching shivering under a table. Mike had worked here for six months and never exchanged a single word with him. Mark’s face was white and lightly spattered with blood, the same blood that was being soaked up by the carpet tiles.

Their eyes met. “Run you fucking idiot,” Mark whispered hoarsely. The two nearest helpdesk operators responded instantly – Brenda (mother of two, prone to weight gain, badly made up) flipped the whole desk over, knocking computer, phone and stationery across the floor. Before the cables had finished ripping out of their sockets and almost before the edge of the table hit the ground, Usuf (cat hater, mid-forties, bad taste in ties) had seized Mark and began slamming his head against the next desk. Mike heard Mark’s skull crack and he became limp as his head turned to a broken bloody mess.

Mike panicked and spun round, fumbling at the door. He’d always laughed at people who pushed when they needed to pull, but right now he couldn’t figure out why the door wouldn’t open. The letters that made up the word ‘Pull’ didn’t work, didn’t refer to anything. The reflections clustered closely behind his own mirrored face of fear. A weight struck him from behind, hammering him into the glass door. He felt a tooth crack on impact. He began to scream as hands and stabbing fingers tore at his arms and legs. All he saw was the empty corridor outside.

Related stories

This week, Monday 8th April 2013

Blissful Mind Peace

Orc ForgerA week off does wonders for the soul, though not necessarily from the skull-shuddering headaches. Never mind, that’s just my mind being invaded by trans-dimensional beings. My open rage emissions make me vulnerable to their pseudopod probings. Aside from their mentational strokings it has been a very nice week indeed. Ihaven’t done much…

The highlight for me was my other half’s birthday and observing the unrestrained glee with which she carefully removed the tape from each wrapped parcel and then tore apart the paper in a neat, folded way. In celebration we have hit the cinema fairly hard this week and had a lovely meal out as Las Iguanas with some close friends. The actual party will have to wait until later in the month because of other people’s birthday parties being arranged earlier. Damn them.

In hopes of approaching the return to work with positivity I have had a shave. I’m not sure why I think this will help. I suspect it will mainly make my face cold as summer is not on the cards this year.

This week’s scribbles

Tuesday The War Alone: Day One – Call Centre

A one-shot story set in the chaos and confusion of The War Alone.

Wednesday Shankbuddy – Convenient Hate Poems

A tiny reminder in poetry form of why I needed a week off.

Thursday The Desert Crystals – Part Three

It’s time to leave the safety of the air behind.

Friday Film Review Double Bill: The Host & G.I. Joe: Retaliation 

Jeez, what a pair of films…

Updates on my thrilling life

Writing

I have, as I predicted last week, been exceptionally bad at sitting down and doing anything of note. All I have done really is embraced the need to write another 800 words every week for The Desert Crystals (and done last week’s Part 2). I have no sense of where this story will end. My original draft was fairly short and concluded with the new beginning… so we shall be going off the wall, underneath the box and so forth for exactly some number of chapters.

I’m enjoying the business of a review every Friday. I thought I might find it irritating, because I’m a bit conflicted about reading other people’s reviews of films and books. Instead it helps me to focus on what I enjoyed about a thing, and am remembering it better. Regardless of any benefit to me I’m happy to thrust my irrelevant opinion onto you every week. I hope you enjoy them and treat them like any other review – ignore them entirely and do what you want.

Last week’s scribbles

The Desert CrystalsLoss_and_AppeasementTuesday Appeasement and Loss A short story set in a fantasy world where revenge is all that’s left to one man (or Loss and Appeasement as I reordered it for my picture).

Wednesday Lego Creations: Mini Mechs A happy rootling about in my Lego box and an enthusiasm for matching colours resulted in quite a nice build.

Thursday The Desert Crystals – Part Two The expedition gathers pace, hardware and danger…

Friday Book Review: The Departure by Neil Asher I’m behind the times as always, but I finally got round to reading the first in a new series by one of my favourite authors.

Lego

We on patrol.

Mwha ha ha! I have more boxes which has enabled further segmentation of Lego by colour and shape. I don’t know how far to take this, as it can be convenient to have it all separated, but then I have to be surrounded by a roomful of boxes. It’s also really handy to have stuff mixed up together – it supports my lack of planning as I can be inspired by a random aggregation of bricks in a corner.

I finished my little mechs for last week’s post and am still toying with more variations on the theme. I’ve also been tinkering further with Boba Fett’s house. I need to dismantle part of it to get more space in there – the man needs a shower and a wardrobe. I’m quite pleased with his sleep capsule though.

Finally… I delayed the unboxing for weeks but I have broken into The Orc Forge at last! It’s a really cool little model to build (though rather repetitive on the base) and the use of the light brick is pretty. Admittedly I was a touch disappointed because the picture on the box virtually promises two light bricks. I was robbed. However that is completely countered by the orc’s ears being part of the hair piece. Genius. As a newbie Lego builder I also noticed for the first time that Lego are employing techniques more commonly seen on the moc circuit than in their usual kits – the shaping around the base looks great.

Orc Forge

Improv Comedy

We’re still punching away at the Evente in Fisticuffs on Tuesdays. We’re a bit torn on where to go with it. There have been just four of us playing it for a few weeks now and it might just be that having one scene each plus the bookend events make it feel weirdly short. However, we are playing nicely together and we had ourselves in tears of laughter last week over the sexy tortoise and dong-face. That was a fine round of therapeutic corpseing.

For the jam we were back in the freezing environment of 8 Stoney Street. It’s a great space but Christ it’s cold. That does make it hard – once you stop moving you don’t want to start again because it moves all that lovely warmth that you’ve gathered. Regardless, Lloydie let us in a fun round of justification and grounding, building in part upon the workshop that Jules Munns did with us a few weeks ago. Having to say “because” leads to wonderful realisations and discoveries.

I also enjoyed going to the pub afterwards: it was warm. And had beer.

Media Intake

Books

I dove straight from The Temporal Void into The Evolutionary Void and finished that yesterday. Loved it, loved it to bits. It’s been a very satisfying 5,000 page read through of the five books almost back to back. Peter F Hamilton’s scope in the series is just immense and epic and it made me very happy. What to read next? Well, I now have a taste for the massive and will have to dig Adrian Tchaikovsky’s next Shadows of The Apt tome, The Air War (book eight of ten). I’ve been holding off on reading it because my anticipation and excitement are immense. Knowing we’re close to the end of the saga causes me internal weeping.

Events and Excitement

Gorilla Burger – Thursday 11th April

7.30pm at 8 Stoney Street, Nottingham.
An improv comedy show where anyone can play.

“Angry folk” lp launch Karl & the Marx Brothers – Friday 12th April

8.00pm at The Guildhall, Derby.
MissImp are providing an improvised protest in front of this excellent album launch show!

Related articles

Book Review: The Departure (Owner Trilogy Book One) by Neil Asher

The_DepartureWhen this first book of a new sci-fi trilogy was released in 2011 I must confess I was rather worried. I utterly adore his previous Polity series of novels and constantly lust for more. It’s a very selfish and reader-centric concern but was high in my mind when I finally downloaded it on Kindle (it’s a new series, so I don’t have to get all the matching hardbacks…)

The Owner trilogy (of which The Departure is book one) gives us an awful dystopian Earth where the bureaucracy has gone wild with horrific results. There’s a lot of info dumping about the political setup, which came across as slightly defensive – as if a future where citizens get designated ‘Zero Assets’ (a bit like reading the Daily Mail) and herded into zones where they can be exterminated while the rich and powerful hoard resources and shove the best anti-ageing drugs in themselves, living the high life at the expense of others is in any way implausible. It really doesn’t feel unlikely either, and the horror of that future is well realised in the actions and reactions of the main character, Saul.

I can’t tell you much about him without giving to much away, but he’s a tough character to like. Initially he’s quite sympathetic if incredibly ruthless in resisting the global government. Cue tonnes of murder, shoot-outs, violence and subversion of computer systems. As his story becomes clearer he’s in the interesting condition of having a load of experimental hardware shoved in his head and he struggles to integrate that new awareness and existence while retaining his humanity. He doesn’t do terribly well at that.

The stakes escalate very well and the action is relentless and exciting. I don’t care for many of the other characters in the book; most of them are some species of bad guy (although they’ve survived in a climate where being a ruthless bastard is the only way to survive, so they’re a bit ambiguous) but I really disliked his female companion who seemed almost offensively weak to me (but again has been through a number of brutal wringers). The main story is offset by an insurgency underway on the tiny human Mars base, cut off from resources and run by the dangerous idiocy of the regime’s political officer. Although I did get into the main Saul storyline I found the Martian struggle more engaging straight away.

It’s good sci-fi and I still feel that my reservations about the book stem from this not being the Polity world (which is just me being a dick). The politics and social setup are provocative and satirical, the characters actions are radical and violent. It’s slightly clumsy in how it gets going, but that was much the same in Gridlinked (the first of the Polity books – I had to force a friend to get through that one to reach the gold on the other side) and I suspect this is going to be much the same: Zero Point (book 2) will be awesome. The main character theme also seems to be the opposite of that in Gridlinked – where Cormack is learning to disengage with the virtual world, Saul is learning how to bend it to his will. Read it, it’s part of the astonishing Brit sci-fi new wave.

Neal Asher

Get The Departure at Amazon.co.uk

The Desert Crystals: part 2

Part 2 – Aloft

The Desert Crystals Harvey had carefully planned the route they would take around the southern rim of the Great Bane Desert where the scorched sand was penned in by a vast razored ridge of glassy rock. True to his word, Rosenhatch had ensured that their hunt for the Crystal Finches would be conducted in style. Harvey’s complaints about the malice of the region were well founded and Rosenhatch had no intention of dying before they had even found the birds, let alone returned with the prize. There were other, far richer fans and enthusiasts of exotic and possibly mythical fauna whom Rosenhatch could tap.
The airship was sixty feet of colourful balloon carrying an elegant cradle of brass and glass. She was a beauty and the proudest possession of Lord Emmaline Corshorn. He was a patron of the university and had supported several of Rosenhatch’s wilder exploits. More importantly, Lady Corshorn had an especial fondness for beasts of the air and after hearing Rosenhatch’s impassioned expedition pitch had demanded that Emmaline lend the explorers his airship. The point blank refusal that followed was eroded by glacial marital disharmony into reluctant acquiesence.
Lord Emmaline’s consent to use The Dove’s Eye was conditional on his captaining the luxurious vessel. He also supplied the crew, which was fortunate since Rosenhatch’s knowledge of flight extended as far as climbing the gangplank. He was an initially grumpy host, but separation from his wife and the extraordinary cigars and whiskey that Rosenhatch had brought aboard won him over. The pair stood upon the airship’s deck watching the sun set through the Corrigible Mountains, its vivid red and orange flowing through the tips of the peaks. They sipped whiskey from Corshorn’s priceless crystal glasses and tapped cigar ash into the air below.
“So, hoping to bag a few Finches, eh Rosenhatch?”
“We think we’ve got a good chance, yes Lord Emmaline.”
“Planning to pop ’em in those, eh?” Corshorn waved his cigar at the peculiar cages stacked and strapped down at the other end of the deck.
“Quite. Harvey has some fascinating theories about the Crystal Finches. It’s said that they emit their own light, which is then diffracted through their feathers.”
“The same light that will burn the flesh off a fellow’s bones?”
“Well yes. So they say. I rather hope that might be a part of the story that actually is a myth. However, we certainly expect our eyes to be sensitive to them.”
“We won’t know until it’s almost too late,” Harvey’s ominous tones made Lord Emmaline stiffen and slosh whiskey over the railing.
“Dammit man, you don’t need to sneak up on us.”
“My apologies Lord Emmaline. It’s the carpeting in your cabins.”
“Well, wear a bell or something.”
“Ha ha. Only Maxwell gets a bell, and then only when we’re at home,” added Rosenhatch.
“The Finches,” Harvey continued undaunted by Corshorn’s rudeness or discomfort, “perpetuate their own light. It is to them as your blood is to you,” he gestured to his own segmented thorax with a pair of legs, “or my ichor is to me. They at once depend on it for life and use it for hunting. My plan is simple. I have designed these boxes which as you can see are comprised of mirrors and crystal shards. The angles will reflect the Finches light back at them and contain their lethal rays. I have also constructed goggles for each member of the party. I have every expectation that they will protect our eyes from the Finches’ harmful emissions. Maxwell is trying his out now.”
Maxwell rolled out onto the deck, alternately stepping and clawing at the mask strapped over his face.
“Of course, in Maxwell’s case the goggles were difficult to fit,” Harvey pointed at the clasps holding the mask into place over the cat’s head. Maxwell fell into a heap of hissing and kicking in an attempt to remove the offending articles. “Now, don’t scratch the lenses.”
“Can’t see properly,” declared Maxwell, rolling over and kicking at the straps with his hind feet.
“Stop making such a fuss. You’ll be glad of them when we reach the pass.”
Harvey and Rosenhatch had painstakingly mapped out the trails of the desert traders whose rumours of the crystalline beasts had initiated the project. All of the original trade routes had passed through a narrow valley that punctured the Corrigibles before opening out into the desert itself. The mountains jagged up almost to the clouds, which scudded violently away from the dagger blades of translucent rock. From the peaks a mean grassy scrub flared out into thick forestation that vanished into the valley. Below that the lush vegetation died away into the desert landscape. The valley’s likely climate seemed to match the preferences of the common finches, and it fit with the other worrying accounts of those early voyages into and across the Bane.
“Well, we’ll be there by morning I should say,” declared Lord Emmaline, tossing back his whiskey and hurling the glass at the ridge they followed. He wandered off back to the helm where he bawled a few directions at his lieutenant and retired for the evening.
Rosenhatch scooped up Maxwell and scruffed his fur while he undid the straps. Maxwell examined them closely for scratches. They stood there for a while with the cat purring in the man’s arms, and together they watched the sun slip below the peaks.
Next Week: Part 3 – The Sharp Lands

Appeasement and Loss

The moon glumly reflected my mood, staining the paper trees with its grudging glow. I knelt amongst the bushes, the tips of my fingers dappled with that same sallow light where they rested on the dark metal barrels waiting for their moment of revenge. Beyond our shabby nest lay the house of my enemy. The moon showed her favour, stripping away one half of her clouded veil and striking the house smartly, brightening the glassy stone and throwing the windows into gleaming eyes, piercing my night shroud with paranoid fever.

I shrank back between the leaves. It had taken me some hours to draw this close into the estate. The fearwards had been easily overwhelmed with my own hatred; I was to commit murder, what fear could oppress me now? Equally the more animal boundaries had been easy to pass. I left behind me a trail of bloodied organs and dark patches even the moon would not light. And now I waited.

The house of The Salver was visited day and night by those who respected, feared and wooed the incumbent power. His was a rare and richly powerful role, appointed by a council of government but subject to the approval of the Chall. Only a man who could be trusted to deceit and the abuse of power would survive as The Salver, official bridge between our people and the Chall, the shadowy people of the night who had haunted our dreams and lives since they first arose.

I had lost my respect for The Salver early on when our town had been offered as a gift to the Chall. My father and brother were broken, driven insane by the Chall as they invaded our streets. Living nightmares given flesh by our masters, flesh to terrify, taste and ultimately wear. The older men of our house had locked us in the cellar – myself, my two youngest cousins, sister and mother – while they pretended at a normal household, waiting for the Chall to arrive. Many had already fled and their screams had been caught on the wind, whipped and hurled back into the town by the Chall as they aproached from all directions, surrounding us with the sound of the escapees deaths.

We were separated from the Chall and the ruin they wrought upon our home by the thick wooden floor, woven with iron and jasmine. That alone hid us from them but did nothing to shield us from the sound of torture and gibbering terror that they drove our loved ones too. When the Chall had had their fill and departed The Salver was already praising our noble sacrifice and sweeping the depravities of the night into the past. Cherence was officially declared ‘out of humanity’ before we even emerged from the cellar.

We found my brother a hollow man, weeping blankly while huddling under the kitchen table. No sight or sound penetrated his mind and despite our attempts to feed him and nurse him back to health, he died; and we suffered the indignity and horror of gratitude for his death. Of my father there was worse. One of the Chall had taken his skin for clothing and left behind nothing but his eyes and a hand. The hand clenched and squeezed and for a time my mother carried it with her as a reminder of my father and the warmth of his touch. His eyes I wear about my neck in a silver necklace. I want him to see how I avenge our family.

Our home, Cherence was left as a ghost town. We five were the only survivors and we soon left as well. There was nothing in that place for us but misery and the wails of those whose minds had been cruelly bound into the bricks and wood of their homes.

No matter where we went we were poor and weak, the townsfolk welcomed us only with fear and suspicion. Our tales of Cherence were hushed down, at most spoken of only in sealed rooms as the most monstrous concession ever given to the Chall. Publically The Salver was acclaimed for his success. The Chall were so satisfied with their ghost town that they had even withdrawn from the Eastern border of our lands. We were told our sacrifice was heroic and noble. I withheld the sight of my father’s eyes from those who thought his death good. We marched on in silence, the anger and sorrow crunched down in our breasts to a hard core of loathing, we showed only our darkened eyes to the next town and made no mention of our past.

We adopted normal life again, in time, but I never forgot my hatred for The Salver. I was right to keep it, as we discovered. Eight summers and winters had passed us by. We had grown relatively contented in our new life, far from the borders and the threat of the Chall. Although our mother had faded out of life not long after we had settled, never able to reconcile herself to the loss of our lives in Cherence, I and my sister had made a home for ourselves and our cousins. We soon learned that safety and comfort were things never to be granted to those who survived the Chall.

I travelled to trade in the objects that our experiences with the Chall had given me the art to craft. I sold and taught disfigurements and wards that would resist the Chall’s senses to the travellers and wardens who met in secret and discussed the Chall and our future. So I was away from home when The Salver’s men came for the rest of my family. I returned days later to find the house empty and a warrant for our detainment and transport on the kitchen table. The Chall had never forgotten about Cherence and some clerk of The Salver’s had tracked us down at last.

None of our neighbours could tell me where my family had been taken; even the wardens had no information. I set out immediately for Cherence: it was the only place I could think of. I was of course too late. All that awaited me on the outskirts of Cherence was an abandoned wagon, its horses torn to ribbons and overlaid across the hedgerows with the tattered strips of the soldiers who had guided them. The Chall had been hungry. Of my sister and cousins there was just clothing and a single polished skull with my sister’s hair carefully draped atop it. The nightmares started before I even left the wagon, shrieking down in and around me until I managed to wrestle my strongest disfigurement into place. Then I fled.

And now I wait, moonlit, for the house to fall dark and for The Salver to return to his study. There he will light a lamp and spend an hour alone before bed. That’s when I will kill him.

This week, Monday 1st April 2013

Freedom, Of A Limited Sort

Happy FaceYes, I have now bagged myself a sweet week of peace and leave. The odd result is that I shall struggle to meet all of my post deadlines this week. It is because I shall sleep until about one o’clock every afternoon and then run out of time. That’s all for the good though, as I’ve just barely gotten over last week’s Skullfucker Plague. The healing process involved one of those terribly helpful visits to the doctor. It was actually one of the highlights of another terrible week of work, even if it was only four days long (thank goodness for nailing people to crosses). Seriously, if anyone has something they want done for money, bump it my way please.

I like to take a list with me to the doc, because otherwise I just feel like I’m complaining and want to stop and escape before I’ve even gotten to the good stuff. Everything that’s wrong with me is a virus (probably) or some lungrot caused and exacerbated by our continued cold and damp weather (so I shall die of this in England), or the result of stress. Excellent. Therefore the planned week of leave is the ideal remedy and is also my Lady Half’s birthday week! Huzzah.

This week’s scribbles

Tuesday Appeasement and Loss

A short story set in a fantasy world where revenge is all that’s left to one man.

Wednesday Lego Creations: Mini Mech

A happy rootling about in my Lego box and an enthusiasm for matching colours resulted in quite a nice build.

Thursday The Desert Crystals – Part Two

The expedition gathers pace, hardware and danger…

Friday Book Review: The Departed by Neil Asher

I’m behind the times as always, but I finally got round to reading the first in a new series by one of my favourite authors.

Updates on my thrilling life

Writing

Tiresome repetition! I made the mistake of going to work last week and it almost crushed my desire to function. As a consequence I am in catch up mode. That was proving really difficult earlier (compounded by the shrieking of rat children outside – yay, Easter…) until I found myself in a scribble-frenzy. I don’t know what brings them on but it certainly seemed to be influenced by trying to read my own appalling hand writing in my night writing book. It sits by the bed waiting for me to blindly scrawl nonsense in it and then I am unable to decipher it.

I thought I’d found an unused scrap of Pigheart in it, but it took half an hour to translate maybe a hundred words and then realised it was a very early draft of The Assassination Adventure. Very annoying, but it got me onto writing Tuesday’s story ‘Appeasement and Loss’. Not cheery, but then that doesn’t seem to be the way my stories are going at the moment. That makes me a bit sad.

Last week’s scribbles

Shankanalia 8The Desert CrystalsTuesday Skankrabatic – The Sinuous Twist of Angry Poetry De-stressing with short enraged poems..

Wednesday Pulp Pirate 17 Piracy returns to the Flash Pulp podcast.

Thursday The Desert Crystals – Part One A fresh expedition into the extraordinary Northern Continent begins.

Friday Film Review: Welcome To The Punch (2013) Another dreadful waste of celluloid.

Lego

Boba Fett’s house has gotten out of control… I’m now nowhere near finished once I realised that I wanted an extra floor and to be able to see inside it. I didn’t want the grief of making a model that splits in half, so it’s just getting taller. Really it needs that though because there isn’t even a bed for the poor Mandalorian fellow, let alone a kitchen yet. Bounty hunters cannot live by guns alone. So work must continue anon!

Improv Comedy

We had a show on Friday at The Glee Club which was good fun. We had a somewhat unfocussed first half but definitely got it back together fully for a strong second half. That said, I really enjoyed the scenes I did in the first half, including a Shakespearean Scene with Marilyn (always a joy) which had something to do with being a lollipop man distracted by the touch of a bosom. It did in fact utterly derail my attempts to speak, resulting in new words for me and my character. I also took this month’s monologue (me repaying myself back for a month of bastardy) and told a lovely dark, spotlit (thank you James) tale about my spiritualist father and our caravan home in Penzance. I enjoyed that a lot.

I also still love our intro theme by The Nibbler:

[soundcloud url=”http://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/22520253″ iframe=”true” /]

We also met and had a chat with some of the guys from The Noise Next Door who were playing downstairs at the same time as us. They were nice enough to pop up and catch part of our set. They’re the UK’s only (I think) professional improv outfit – and they work a lot. They do an excellent super-polished show and are very funny fellows indeed. I see them as brand ambassadors for the whole of the UK improv comedy scene and hope to see them again soon. It was very cool to have an improv venue for a whole night in Nottingham.

Media Intake

Books

I return to the massive tomes of Peter F Hamilton! Yup, I’m on the middle book of the Void trilogy – The Evolutionary Void. I have to thrust some of this space opera fun onto a friend who only seems to read old-school sci fi and rejects the new wave of amazing British sci fi. Obviously he’s wrong, but he really needs to feel the error of his ways.

Film Review: Welcome To The Punch (2013)

Welcome To The Punch

I don’t know where to start – at best this is like a moderately entertaining episode of The Bill.

There’s almost nothing positive I can say about this film. I’d like to though, because it has a great cast and it’s a British film and both of those things deserve some kind of recognition. In fact I love the cast – James McAvoy and Mark Strong are two of my favourite British actors and it’s been fantastic to see them getting better roles and now be in the same film.

Aaargh, honestly this film had me slapping my face with every painful cliché and simply stupid plot move. Don’t get me wrong – I enjoy lots of cop dramas and procedurals, especially the more implausible ones (NCIS, The Mentalist) – but they only succeed by either mocking the clichés and neatly subverting them or by being completely absurd (remember CSI Miami? You know how crime scene guys also arrest criminals and engage in sniper vendettas right?) This one was just crap.

The set up is predictable and weak – obsessed cop gets shot in the knee by the incredibly bad (and charismatic) villain and falls from grace, both professionally and personally. I was already yawning by the time we see him a few years later syringing fluid out of his knee. The bad guy’s kid gets in trouble and this is a great chance for a sting to draw out Mark Strong. Turns out we can send extraction squads to Iceland, with guns. They all die. Blah blah some people are bad, oh there’s a political subplot about gun crime and police carrying guns – yes, it’s exactly what you suspect from about 12 seconds in. A bunch more people get shot and there’s some jumping behind bars. Someone else gets killed. Look- it’s a film that assumes you’re an idiot and is too lazy to do anything well.

I can’t even bear to go into further detail. There’s a nice piece of work from Peter Mullan when he gets shot (and has the film’s sole clever use of cliché)  and Johnny Harris plays a fun sad-eyed killer: those are the good things.

What I learned from Welcome To The Punch: gun shot wounds are harmless unless you get shot in the knee or head, limping cops are better at combat than mercenaries and Eran Creevy shouldn’t be allowed to make films.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rr-O_v0mlx8&w=560&h=315]

The Desert Crystals: part 1

Part 1 – A Man May Have A Plan

The Desert CrystalsThe sun glowered furiously overhead. It sapped what little moisture there was and flung it back with humid venom. Three figures cringed beneath its relentless glare. Their tracks distinguished them easily: a man, his footsteps dragging on the dry earth; a cat, weaving but nimbly staying within the diminishing shadow of the man; a giant centipede, his many feet stroking curling waves into the dust. The trio had come from the Great Bane Desert and shadows followed them out of that grim place. Anyone unfortunate enough to be heading in the opposite direction would have seen them slowly resolve out of the heat haze. The man was tall, despite his thirsting and exhausted posture; his once-fine expeditionary clothing was torn and sand-filled, rasping against his red burned skin. The black, white and ginger streaked cat limped faintly, his ears pressed against his head and his eyes were squeezed half closed. The enormous centipede’s chitin armour was scratched and abraded by the fierce desert wind but it seemed otherwise unaffected by the aggressive climate.

“Are we nearly there yet?” enquired Maxwell (the cat), with impeccable timing. He had managed to find the absolute bare minimum interval between his otherwise infuriating questions to ensure maximum irritation and yet still receive a response. The quest and practice of such perfection kept him occupied. Neither Harvey nor Rosenhatch Traverstorm had guessed at the cat’s simple game, and both replied in the same weary voice that they had done countless times in the past three days:

“No. Well, maybe. I don’t know.”

Satisfied, Maxwell returned to counting out the seconds. It distracted him from his thirst. His fur was thick with sand which gave him the ghastly stripes of red but he had quite lost interest in attempting to groom the grains from his fur. With horror he considered that it might even be necessary to get wet… His tongue furled in sympathetic imitation of lapping at a delicious cool bowl of water. He hopped once more to lurk in Traverstorm’s shadow.

Maxwell doubted that this particular trip would be commemorated in the university’s hall of fame. Not that it had been badly planned; he himself had spent most of the preparation phase curled up on the maps, so he had a good sense of how much debate and argument Rosenhatch and Maxwell had needed to present to qualify for the grant. Maxwell only took an interest because he knew that he would be accompanying his eccentric servant (cats have a clear view on the roles and responsibilities of those who offer them food and shelter), and it was better to be prepared.

Some months ago, Harvey’s contacts on the edge of the Bane had alluded in several letters to the existence of a species of Crystal Finch previously only described in the folk tales of the traders who crossed the Bane centuries ago. The Crystal Finches were near-mythical creatures who colourfully populated the old tales as spectacular beasts wreaking havoc with their beauty. However, the only extant species on the colonised end of the continent was a dull chalky colour hardly meriting the glorious description. In addition it was grumpy and prone to sulking to death. Rosenhatch had literally bounced with excitement at the prospect of proving the creatures’ existence and closing (or poking open, depending on your scholastic alliance) one more hole in the accepted zoology of the Northern Continent. He had shared his proposed expedition immediately with his intimates. Harvey’s views had been clear and bluntly put forth:

“The Great Bane Desert will kill us all.” His segmented back undulated with displeasure at the prospect of venturing into the great wasteland.

Traverstorm had of course been of an entirely more optimistic attitude, which was unsurprising given his present status at the university. Traverstorm’s stock was at an all time low following yet another disastrous expedition into the heart of the Barrow Reef. They had lost (at the last count) thirteen men and women to the slow-acting poison of the Manticore Urchin, as well as a ship, supplies and even the lighthouse itself that secured safe passage through the Reef for merchants (and fools). This was neither unprecedented or unexpected; Rosenhatch Traverstorm’s career had been launched by a series of blind luck discoveries which had him ridiculed and lauded in roughly equal measure by academics and the public respectively. The consequent political pressures had ensured his continued employment and the contempt of his newfound peers. A lesser man would have been humiliated but Traverstorm continued to invite the research fellows round for Bumblescrape Whiskey and a hand of cards.

Traverstorm evaded Harvey’s sensible objection with just one phrase, a phrase which would enable ease of transport, safety and even speed to their expedition, that would romanticise the journey of even the hardest soul and give gentlemanly respite to the most ragged and rugged explorers: “we travel by airship.”

Next Week: Part 2 – Lord Corsham’s Airship

Pulp Pirate 17

Flash Cast 82 – Sweet Monkey Meat

Me pride swells like an excited zeppelin as this sterling Flash Cast gets named from my story within it.  There’s an increasingly great selection of reviews within including games and podcasts and some really disturbing true crime history, plus the return of Doc Azrael! All in all a splendid and exciting listen. Featuring The Gastronomical Adventure for your sweet monkey meat eating pleasure…

Listen to it now: 

FC82- Sweet Monkey Meat

http://flashpulp.com/
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http://itunes.apple.com/podcast/flash-pulp/id367726315

Skankrabatic – The Sinuous Twist of Angry Poetry

Shankanalia 8

Oh god the rambling stupid mass daily at my door, in my inbox; the streets are clogged with semi-sentience. To mumble perchance to speak? How I hate the crowds.

Follow @shankanalia on Twitter for petulant poetic pouting.

Skankrabatic – The Sinuous Twist of Angry Poetry

There’s Book Learnin’ And There’s Stoopit
Ah you bleating fuckwit
The words fall out of you
Like an upended shit bucket,
Full of waste ideas
Half-digested notions.
You never understood.

A Damp Homage
I feel it on my fingers
and between my toes.
Your blood is slowly congealing
Amidst your deathy throes.
That buzzing in my ears
Is your screaming tears.

The Bright Side
Sometimes I feel
Overstressed
Tense or sad
Then I reflect
With the brightest of grins
That sooner
Or later
We’ll all be dead

Lovehearts
Oh, pulpy heart
Squeeze the bitch tits
Of aortic thump thump
Mash with cardiac fist
Grind with pulsating finger punch
Flow blood, to death.

Just Make Them Up
If you don’t trust the numbers
Don’t ask-
Hush
Don’t speak.
The numbers are out to get you;
They know you can’t count,
Can’t add them as friends.

Freak Show
This room is full of ugly mirrors.
Infinite regress of shattering hideousness.
Shards of toothless uncompromising foulness,
The out and in.

Jangling Jargon
Brain mashing repetition,
Copied rhetoric and babble.
I take your point
And stab you with it;
Knife in your back
You won’t feel it;
Numbed by words.

More of The Same

This week, Monday 25th March 2013

The Skullfucker Plague

Captain man colourised 6Uuurrrgh… I have been afflicted with a curious virus of some kind manifesting as dizziness, nausea and awesome headaches, so much so that I actually had to take a day off work. That was a pleasant break from falling asleep at work and all of those other workday disturbances.

I did of course use my day of grue as well as possible. I built myself a nest in our living room and filled it with Lego, a cat and myself. I then proceeded to clatter about, reel drunkenly and watch the entire second series of Deadwood (again). I’d almost forgotten the utter magic they wrought on screen for that series. Curse HBO for canning it after just three seasons right in the middle of a tense story arc. Morons.

Apart from feeling weird it was quite a nice day. I’m beginning to feel better now as long as I don’t move too much.

This week’s scribbles

Tuesday Skankrabatic – The Sinuous Twist of Angry Poetry

I get annoyed, I express myself in poetry.

Wednesday Pulp Pirate 17

Captain Pigheart returns at last to Flash Pulp with The Gastronomical Adventure.

Thursday The Desert Crystals – Part One

An expedition into the mysterious Northern Continent.

Friday Film Review: Welcome To The Punch (2013)

I just need to make sure you don’t watch this by mistake.

Updates on my thrilling life

Writing

Peninsula CreatureI’m leaping into an unwritten abyss this week as I have not yet finished the end of the Deserted Desert. I am however extremely happy to revisit the characters from The Peninsula Creature in something that isn’t just running away. We should get a better sense of the curious Southern Continent they live on and its peculiar fauna. Having now started the story online I have to finish it…
I’m finding that a stressful work life is not terribly conducive to writing. However, writing (if I can manage it)is very conducive to reducing that stress. I was pleased to return to Ignatius Pigheart, even if we’re not quite back to the sea yet. I’ve found that the monstrous character of Herr Gunther Garment and his vivisectionary experiments amuse me far more they ought to.

Last week’s scribbles

Tuesday Captain Pigheart’s Dromedary Adventure A sandy adventure for the pirate captain and his luckless crew.

Wednesday Lego Flashback – The Vampire’s Crypt Franklyn de Gashe spins horrid yarns on the Flash Pulp podcast.

Thursday The War Alone Day One: Art Class (3 of 3) You can run, and you might be able to hide.

Friday Film Review: The Nanny (1965) Such a creepy little film!

Lego

I have square garlic
I have square garlic

Ah Lego, my sweet plastic mistress… I have still managed to resist opening the excesses of last week, though I do caress their sweet boxes with mine eyes and sometimes my fingers.
I’ve been mainly dismantling in preparation for a renewed bout of building – I have but the one shelf to fill with Lego and it fills up fast. Mini figures are a different matter of course and they grace almost every surface. The process of dismantlement and sorting by colour is still inordinately satisfying to me. I have had to find more boxes.
I spent my sick day building a hideout for Boba Fett. It still needs some work, and possibly a second floor as Ihave thus far given him only a coffee mug to meet his diverse needs, and a lot of guns. And multiple exits. It’s quite a nice build so far, and Ireckon Ican add some nice final touches.

Improv Comedy

We’re looking for a new home for MissImp. We’ve been lucky in the last year having a space to play in for free on Thursdays but all good things come to an end. We really want to find somewhere we can use as a proper base of operations and run much more frequent courses and workshops and provide a space in which we can perform and encourage others in the nascent Nottingham improv community to form teams and shows. Any ideas? All welcome.
Just the three of us for Fisticuffs last week (Marilyn, Martin and I) which gave us a chance to do some really weird Evente practice (it gets quite intense as a trio), and then, since Marilyn was wiped out from a day of rehearsals for the zombie adventure game 2.8 Hours Later, Martin and I splashed out on a little twoprov, exploring a pair of characters we happened across some months ago and have endlessly talked about reinstating: Snatchspoon & Croydon: Detectives by Day and Plumbers by Night. We have a lot of rough edges, but the characters are fun to play and we cheerfully screwed each other over with multiple characters (“there are likely a dozen people in this village, and I bet they’re all in this pub…”) and a frightening opiated conclusion. It’s something I’d like to work on further.

Media Intake

Books

I have been ripping through Neal Asher’s The Departure on me Kindle. It’s a completely different world from that of The Polity (which I love love love) and I found that initially hard to accept. Once I got over my own sense of entitlement to be provided with exactly what I desire from an author, I’m really enjoying the bleak dystopian vision and the plight of the anti-hero drifting away from humanity as he grows more and more into the virtual world. From a character perspective it’s almost the opposite path from the first novel of the Polity series Gridlinked in which the main character is detaching from that immersion in the world of information.

Films

Jesus, film has fucked up again. We had a really strong streak going and we’ve completely ruined it. I blame Welcome To The Punch for being a terrible, predictable tedious London cop drama that totally wasted its excellent cast. Then the week got worse today with Jack The Giant Slayer. You remember Bryan Singer right? The amazing director who made the first brilliant superhero film: X-Men and followed it up with the astonishing X-Men 2. He then ditched the series (leaving it in the appalling hands of Brett “I just can’t help it, I make shit films” Ratner) to make a dire Superman film. Well, he’s truly lost his touch now – Jack is boring, makes no sense and has zero chemistry, drama or excitement. Pretty sad for a film with giants. Oh well.

Events and Excitement

Improv shows

Friday 29/03/13 MissImp in Action: Improvised Comedy Show – The Glee Club, Nottingham.

Film Review: The Nanny (1965)

THE-NANNYEveryone remembers the usual Hammer Horror set of films, all the great Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee, the (still) brilliant Edgar Allan Poe stories and the Draculas. I’d never heard of this one, until I spotted a Hammer box set on Amazon for a fiver and due to a fit of work-inspired depression snapped it up; retail therapy is quite effective. Naturally everyone else had seen it already.

My god this is a weird little film. The story is shockingly, about a Nanny played by Bette Davis. We’re introduced to the sublimely creepy lady through the lens of her charge, a young boy who has just spent a period of time away at boarding school, primarily for his own mental health. He’d been sent there after he stopped eating or sleeping because he thought his Nanny was trying to kill him. He’s delightfully direct about his feelings about the lady, extracting promises that she won’t come into the bathroom when he’s bathing and refusing to eat her cooking.

The mother is hysterical and totally dependent on her old Nanny; the father works away (as a Queen’s Messenger). The sense of isolation and danger is profound for the lad. It helps (perhaps unintentionally) that most of the adult roles are rather mannered. It makes his chirpiness and honesty as a character all the more appealing. The girl who plays his younger sister is flashbacks is also quite affecting. The more so as we find out how she died…

I won’t spoil the ending, which is dramatic, downbeat and filled with layers of pathos completely absent from modern cinema. It’s a great little film, quite different from Hammer’s usual canon and style. Creepy, disturbing and the kids and Nanny are very nicely performed. I suppose I should mention that it’s in black and white, but if this bothers you then there’s no point talking to you about films anyway. Enjoy!

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLAMjk6jPys&w=560&h=315]

The War Alone Day One: Art Class part 3 of 3

Part 3

“Hurry,” said Toby urgently, “they’re coming.”

The two groups were steadily advancing down the corridor towards them. Their lack of haste was even more unnerving than when they were tearing at each other. Angela got the cupboard door open and shoved the pair inside before following them and locking it behind them.

War Alone_Art Class

“Miss, what’s happening?” asked Toby.

Sunita sat on the floor holding her face in her hands. Angela put a reassuring hand on her shoulder, but had no reassurance to offer.

“I don’t know. We have to stop them from getting in here. Help me.” Angela pulled hard at one side of the large metal shelving unit.

“We can move this over the door so they can’t open it even if the lock breaks. Sunita, you need to move.”

Toby pulled the shaking girl to her feet then helped Angela to drag the first of the shelves. The stationery cascade seemed to wake Sunita up – she looked suprised that they were in the cupboard. The door was braced as thoroughly as it could be, though that wasn’t anywhere near as secure as Angela would have liked.

“Do either of you have a phone?”

The two teenagers looked shocked.

“What for?” asked Sunita.

“So we can call the police. We need help- I don’t think this is going to keep them out for very long.”

“But the phones started all this.”

“What do you mean Sunita?”

“When the phones rang, everyone who answered them went crazy.”

The door handle turned. Then the pounding started. Fists hammering at the door frame and on the window. Cracks started to appear in the glass.

“Okay, there’s no time. You two – get up in the ceiling and find another way out.”

The two stared at her.

“The ceiling tiles. Get up those shelves.”

Toby climbed the rack of shelves that lay on the wall opposite the door and pushed up the tile.

“It’s really dusty.”

“It doesn’t matter. Be careful up there. You need to be quiet and make sure you only step on the edges – otherwise you’ll fall through.”

Toby pulled himself up and into the ceiling space. It wasn’t high enough for him to stand up.

“Now you Sunita,” said Angela, pushing the girl towards the shelves. The hammering was steady now, each strike made Angela’s stomach tense. Sunita picked up an art scalpel from the floor and put it in her pocket.

“Good idea,” said Angela. She picked up a handful of them and passed them up to Toby. Then she helped Sunita up the shelves.

“Be really quiet, but get as far away from here as you can.”

“Miss – aren’t you coming?”

Angela looked away from the hole in the ceiling.

“No.”

Sunita and Toby looked at each other, hunched up and already gathering dust bunnies.

“I don’t want them to catch you. Now go.”

Angela tugged the ceiling tile back into place, and pulled the shelves down from against the wall. She could hear the two kids whispering, followed by the sounds of their cautious steps. The noise from the fire alarm should give them good cover. With luck the people trying to break in would never figure out where the pair had gone. Now that Angela was alone she had time to think about what she was doing.

A chunk of glass fell from the window and the sign she’d painted slipped away from the glass. Her view of the corridor outside was just of fists smashing against the wire-reinforced glass. Blood ran freely from the children’s hands as they battered at the window. They were going to kill her when they got in. It occurred to her that she should have gone with Toby and Sunita but it was too late. Angela huddled down under the lowest of the shelves and held her lino knife out in front of her. The blood from the slice across her face was till getting in her eye, so she used some of the sugar paper to blot the cut. She was going to die here and Mark would never even know. She pulled another sheet of paper towards her and picked a pen from the mess around her. At least she could leave him a letter.

Lego Flashback: The Vampire’s Crypt

A Vast Overindulgence

Well I bought a lot of Lego last weekend. I regret it not at all, only that in order not to feel outrageously guilty I have persuaded myself to hold off from opening any of them for a while. Instead, feeling the Lego urge upon me, I delved into the cupboards which my other half and I have filled to the brim with, well, stuff. It took a while, but eventually I found a box of Lost Lego.

The Box of Lego Lost

It’s amazing what you forget about isn’t it? Quite apart from forgetting I had the original Jabba’s Palace (and sub-sets) – more on that another week – I also found a number of other yellow-faced Star Wars sets (no, not like Cloud Atlas…) and some awesome early 21st Century (doesn’t that sound awesome?!) alien figures and a heap of cool pieces. Also many, many wheels which I don’t have much use for right now. Oh, and I’d forgotten Lego did sets for the first Spider-Man film – the Green Goblin and Mary Jane are cool figures. Here are all the mini figures I found.

Lego Studios

I’ve been thrilled with the recent Monster Hunters series Lego have done, and although I cannot afford the huge gorgeous Haunted House I have acquired some of the smaller sets. I’d totally forgotten about the previous Lego Studios series they did before… the Spider-Man sets were in, but so was this awesome Vampire’s Crypt set.

I say awesome… it’s from what looks like an incredibly lazy period in Lego design. There aren’t that many bricks and compared to modern sets they aren’t exactly brimming over with creativity. I do like how there’s a backdrop and a boom operator though!

The full scene

What is cool is the number of components – the lift on the left can be raised and lowered, and then the trapdoor in it can tip the coffin onto the cart. Nice. The backdrop has two sides, both pretty poorly illustrated (the concept rules though). The right set with the stairs and garlic has some good details like the skull in a jar, and the garlic piece itself. The stairs are handy, but disappointingly just a single brick.

Vampires Through The Ages

What I think is best about the set are the figures. The vampire has two faces – always cool, as does the innocent victim. The Igor is hilarious and I love the boom operator’s shirt.

The Best Saved Till Last

This is all very cool, but what tops it off for me are the moulded coffin itself, and that this set is from that delightful Lego era where on the back of the box they showed other (sometimes rather strained) models you could make out of the same set, and the instructions didn’t tell you exactly which bricks you needed, you had to check the picture really carefully. Oh, and there’s also a wacky cartoon strip in the instruction booklet. Enjoy! I had fun reassembling the set.

The Dromedary Adventure

Dromedary AdventureSun, endless sun blazin’ into me one lonely eyehole with her merciless light. Twas the third week we’d spent in the desert and even the hull had creaked into a salty dryness for want o’ water. Unless some moisture (except that we sweated from our personal places) were forthcoming we’d all be unhealthily dead. Violent storms had tossed The Grim Bastard from a violent foamin’ ocean o’ bastard-fish into this yellowed hell.

Whence we’d come had been a haven o’ peace compared to this hideous waste filled with murderous wild camel folk. Exactly why they attacked us was a mystery for the frothin’ spit fountains they used as mouths were incapable o’ conveyin’ any meaning other than hatred. Yellow tufted humps lay across our deck with crude straws stabbed deep into their fatty hearts. Zabaglione-like lard dribbled from the mouth o’ Billy No Mates as he sucked the last of the camel’s load from the furry beast bag. Twas a paradoxical state we found ourselves in: we were unable to escape the desert, for their ferocious assaults kept us aboard the ship, but we’d have died of thirst without ’em, for we depended on the oddly-elbowed brutes to give us the semi-liquid strength to survive their next wave.

Billy No Mates let loose with the cry we’d learned to dread: “Camels ho!” Dodging the misuse o’ the word ‘ho’ (of which Billy was inordinately fond), we skipped aside from the rank laces of drool that preceded the sharpened hooves on the ends of legs so heavily jointed they bent with serpentine ease. Even so, the beasts are huge and exude a vile stench to turn the belly of even a hardened seaman. A storm of shimmering steel and tumbling sand-cows surrounded me as I leaped up and looped the noose about the camel’s neck. Herr Gunther Garment, our unorthodox surgeon had laud us a cunning plan, if only we could capture enough of the misshapen mammals.

Half a baker’s dozen of the beasts remained bound on deck when the tide of their fellows receded, leaving streaks of blood and swearing in their wake. Inwardly I held me doubts and fear of the Good Doktor’s methods in a hushing secret, for I’d no wish to have the creatures’ monstrous rubbery lips stitched to me cheeks, Just because this sounds like the ramblings of a madman in no way diminishes its likelihood. The lunatic bonesaw strolled towards the disabled dromedaries, knives whirling between his fingers and a bucket of ship’s pitch gripped in his teeth. Leisure was forced upon us by the heat, although the throaty squeals of the be-surgerised camels and the Teutonic chuckles denied us the bliss of heat exhaustion.

Me eye strove to remain closed, lest it peep onto ghastliness, but me sinking heart knew it was time to wake – perhaps it felt the chill of the evening air. No one’d told me of the night sky in the desert; tis much like that of the ocean but lacking the creak of timbers and splashing of waves. Oh, but that sweet saline sound was replaced by the confused whimpers of abused sand-mammals. Perhaps we would escape the cruel confines of our desolate desert dungeon, for the camels still resembled themselves, in their perambulatory parts though Gunther had excavated the beasts’ infamous humps to leave a sailcloth-lined seat within. Quite why we could not have simply fitted saddles entirely eluded the capricious genius of Herr Doktor Garment.

Resigned to a rather grim ride, we survivin’ few sank into the beastly carriage-humps and lurched across the sand dunes. We made our way coastwards in safety, for the wild camels avoided their scarred and seated kin. Our only impairment was the curious mating urge which the hollowing put upon our steeds. Gaargh, twas horrid. Oh, and of course the desert marauders and the giant scorpions also diminished the joys o’ travel.

This week, Monday 18th March 2013

It’s Booty Time

Booty Time.jpgA brighter week inside which is a nice change. Externally the world looks much the same: indecisive weather, stupid poorly-planned people (no one with foresight would have permittted them existence) and the foreshadowing of the apocalpyse. It’s all good/normal.

This week’s scribbles

Tuesday Captain Pigheart’s Sand Boat Adventure

A short trip through the desert for our brave pirate captain.

Wednesday LEGO Flashback

Some cool stuff from my forgotten box of LEGO goodness.

Thursday The War Alone Day One: Art Class (3 of 3)

You can run and it’s at least conceivable that you might hide..

Friday Film Review: The Nanny

A review of Hammer Horror’s classic chiller.

Updates on my thrilling life

Writing

While I have no use for London, travelling to the place for a four hour meeting is quite convenient as a writer; it gives me nearly four hours of writing time on the train. Happy time. I’m a bit brain dead in the morning (and afternoon, and evening) but it gave me a chance to type up a couple of shorty shorts, one of which you’ll get this week. I’m also flapping a bit since The War Alone concludes this week and I need to re-inject enthusiasm into another longer story. I have the piece in mind – another slice of Alex Trepan’s odd adventures. I just need to commit, dammit.

Last week’s scribbles

Tuesday Shankopalypse: The End of Angry Poetry Another compilation of angry poetic rantings..

Wednesday Pulp Pirate 16 Franklyn de Gashe spins horrid yarns on the Flash Pulp podcast.

Thursday The War Alone Day One: Art Class (2 of 3) When the phones ring it’s time to die.

Friday Book Review: The Commonwealth Saga by Peter F Hamilton A quick round up of why I enjoyed Pandora’s Star and Judas Unchained so much.

Lego

I’ve had a terribly naughty few days in purchasing LEGO. A frenzy if you will. Partly inspired by the lust for awesome brick action, and partly by being confronted with price reductions and Tesco reward vouchers… But still, very naughty. I have this weekend acquired Lord of The Rings Attack on Weathertop, and the Orc Forge, as well as long-time-fantasy-object Star Wars Jabba’s Palace. I am now being extraordinarily restrained in not opening them. At least two of the awesome boxes will remain unopened for several weeks as a kind of penance. At weirdly the same time I dug out an older box of LEGO from our various well-packed cupboards and found a bounty of things I’d forgotten about. On Wednesday I’m posting some shots of a long forgotten Movie Studios set and its descendants. I also found a lovely bunch of mini figures (hardly needed them to add to the overwhelming boxes already present) and the original Jabba’s Palace set from several years ago. The new version is much, much better. I had also forgotten that they stopped making yellow Star Wars mini figures a few years ago. Consequently, Qui Gon and Luke look really weird now.

Improv Comedy

We had a superb Gorilla Burger last week, in no small part down to David’s compering of the event: presentation and style add a great deal. Limiting the length of games was a canny move and it helped get more scenes out of our largest turnout yet. I did a couple of scenes I really enjoyed, and also was amused by many other scenes. An especial pleasure was the last segment of the evening in which the most recent MissImp Improv Beginners performed their class show. They were very good, and Iwas thrilled at how much Lloydie has already managed to instill in them. Oviously there’s lots more to add, but their instincts and readiness to play were a joy to the face. I’m very much looking forwards to training the next Beginners Course in early April with Parky. Today (Sunday, or yesterday, depending on how you look at it) we had a workshop with Jules Munns of The Maydays. The general subject was Making Improv Easy on Yourself. I’m naturally inclined to complicate matters and I do relish the verbal sparring and speed of many scenes I’m in. This afternoon was much more about taking the time to consider and evaluate all the intentions and ideas roiling in the scenes. That didn’t mean they were less complex, but that we had more time to enjoy and work on those complexities being consistent and helpful. I had lots of fun, and so too did the rest of the group. I look forwards to applying them in future. Jules has a very relaxing, calm training style which I found helpful and interesting. Clearly he knows his shit, and much more importantly, can convey it to others.

Media Intake

Books

Quiet this week – I’ve finally finished The Dreaming Void (Peter F Hamilton) and am now forcing myself to read other books before diving into the next chapter of the series. It was really good though, and since it is my second read Ihad the pleasant flashes of remembrance and foreshadowing that only heightened my excitement as the story unfolded. Since then I’ve read Squirm, by Richard Curtis – a adaptation of what must be a terrible film about carnivorous worms, driven to genocidal proclivities by prolonged electrocution. It was everything you could want from B-Movie horror: thin relationships, ridiculous descriptions and lots of gore. I enjoyed it. I downloaded the Steampunk MegaPack of short stories for Kindle and am slowly chewing into those. I’ve also got Neil Asher’s The Departure to get into soon. Very exciting.

Films

Just the one surprising note – The Croods is excellent. The trailer made it look awful, but from the slapstick opening breakfast hunt / American Football game with dangerous prehistoric beasts to the restrained sentiment of the ending I laughed and enjoyed it all the way through. The monsters are particularly fun: Chunky the Death Cat, whales with legs, carnivorous plants and swarms of killer birds. It’s well written, the physical comedy and timing are good and it all looks beautiful. We continue to eschew the pointless 3D versions and feel right to do so.

Events and Excitement

Improv shows

Friday 29/03/13           MissImp in Action: Improvised Comedy Show – The Glee Club, Nottingham.

Book Review: The Commonwealth Saga by Peter F Hamilton

Commonwealth SagaOf all the varieties of science fiction (which is my favourite genre of fiction – if it can really be defined as a genre… but that’s a different jabbering entirely), the huge epic space opera is my favourite. I like the scope, the wealth of cool technology, the ideas about how society will evolve and those possible futures out in the stars. It’s all awesome and I like how much there is of it in sheer page numbers if nothing else. So I’m primed to love these books anyway. I’m talking about The Commonwealth Saga as a single story, but it is two 1,000 page novels, Pandora’s Star and Judas Unchained. They aren’t neatly split and maybe ought to have been a trilogy. Hell, just do what I’ve done and read them back to back. This is the second reading for me; I finally dug out my copy of The Evolutionary Void (which is the last in the trilogy that follows from this pair of novels, 1500 years later) and discovered I couldn’t remember well enough what had come before, so I went right back to the beginning…

The Saga is set just a few hundred years in our future, we’re introduced to the crucial event that triggers humanity’s diaspora right at the start – as man sets foot on Mars for the first time, hippy Californian scientists open the first wormhole to meet them there. That sets the stage for a complex, industrial dynasty and commonwealth government as man colonises hundreds of planets, linked together with wormholes. We’ve met a few aliens with their own cool mysterious civilisations, so far they’ve all been friendly… A peculiar astronomical phenomenon, the englobement of two whole solar systems far beyond humanity’s space is the event that moves the rest of the story on. Inevitably we find bad aliens, and they are very bad. Hamilton gets beautifully into the alien mindset of the Prime aliens and their very different way of life. It’s one of the things that makes this series so satisfying; we don’t have to wait too long to get into the aliens perspective which makes the human response and the subsequent invasions and atrocities that much more real and frightening.

The action hops between a large cast of scientists, politicians, media stars, terrorists, detectives and “ordinary” men and women. It’s a good mix, offering many different perspectives. One of the advantages of writing on this scale is that there is plenty of time spent on character setup, back story and context. The detail for the worlds, the technologies and philosophical viewpoints is lovely. You get a strong sense of the reality of these characters and with just a few exceptions I found them sympathetic and likeable (I root for the aliens too). The story itself splits into a series of narratives which are neatly wrapped up together, in a well paced story with plenty of action (good war sf) in space and in person.

I enjoyed the lingering descriptions of alien worlds and the brisk pace. Despite the length and the number of concepts that are embedded throughout the story I find Hamilton very easy reading and devoured both books in a just a couple of weeks. At no time did I wish to put the books down and go to work. It is perhaps even more satisfying knowing that the story lines and characters persist into the following trilogy (which I’m now into). I have loved every one of Peter F Hamilton’s stories, his attention to detail and grasp of action and character work very well for me. I find his plots and creations ingenious and fascinating. Even though I’m now 2,500 pages into the overall 5 book series (only another 2,500 to go!) I’m keenly hoping that he’ll write some more in this universe.

Peter F Hamilton

Get Pandora’s Star at Amazon.co.uk

Get Judas Unchained at Amazon.co.uk

The War Alone Day One: Art Class part 2 of 3

Part 2

Just before she reached the art room the door banged open and two children fell out, clearly in the middle of what people affectionately still called a scrap. It didn’t look that affectionate in person. Alex (quite a good painter actually) was on top and Marie (terrible painter, might one day be alright at writing her own name). Angela shouted at them to stop just as Alex slashed down with his lino cutter, straight across Marie’s face.

“Jesus Alex, what the hell are you doing?”

War Alone_Art Class

Angela could swear he actually growled at her before returning his attention to Marie who shrieked and writhed under him. It surprised her so much that she slipped and fell, landing hard on her hip. The paper fell and smoothly fanned itself across the hall. Alex stabbed down again at Marie’s throat – blood geysered up into the air, coating the boy’s face and hair. Angela shuffled backwards, shocked. The boy continued to ram the lino cutter into the girl’s neck and chest until she fell still and her blood simply pooled instead of spurting out. The knife stuck into the girl’s collar bone and quivered there. Alex turned his red-stained face to Angela and snatched up the knife again.

Two of her other students stalked out of the classroom behind Alex. She was about to call out ot them when she noticed the spatters of blood over their arms and shirts. She’d seen the kids slouch, mooch and every other indolent step – occasionally run, but never stalk. The taller of the pair, James (a nice eye for perspective) tracked red footprints into the hall. Angela was afraid that it wasn’t paint, although another part of her admired how clean the print was. The smaller, Jenifer (she blamed the misspelling on her parents) was holding Angela’s fabric shears and turned immediately towards Angela.

They were suddenly knocked aside by a tight knot of terrified teenagers who ran bleeding and crying into the corridor. Half of them immediately tripped over Alex and Marie. They were pursued out of the classroom by another three children holding scissors and craft knives. The chaos of falling bodies distracted the – what – killer kids? Ridiculous, though Angela. Whatever had gotten into them they were clearly dangerous. Her own phone was safely in her desk drawer, but she needed help and fast. The fire alarm buttons were on every wall throughout the school. Angela slammed her fist through the fragile glass and the familiar wail of the fire alarm rose to fill the school.

Angela dove into the mass of kids scrabbling on the floor. She ducked the swinging fists and used her own hard boots to make headway. She took a slash to the face from Jenifer’s blades before thrusting the girl off balance. It was difficult to tell the violent kids apart from the others, but Angela grabbed at two of the unarmed children and hauled them out of the bloody heap. The ringing alarm had drowned out the noise of shouting and running so it was only when Angela looked up, and wiped her blood out of her eyes that she saw the tide of students come crashing around the corner from the rest of the school. Alex appeared to have been knocked unconscious, but the others were swinging their knives over and over into their fellow students.

There was nothing Angela could do to help. The two she’d pulled out were shaking and bleeding, like everyone else. She pulled them with her and started to run for the fire exit at the end of the outstretched leg of the school. They turned the corner and the fire exit was briefly in sight before it was wrenched open from outside. The headmaster, Adam Daniels and his secretary June filled the doorway. A steel bar rested in the head’s arms and June carried the wicked butterfly knife that had been confiscated from a student last term. Angela slid to a halt, the two students that she had by the hand skidded with her. It didn’t look like they were going to get any help from the management team.

The crowd behind them was growing. Angela’s options were few. They could try to get past the headmaster but Angela didn’t fancy their chances. They couldn’t go back the way they’d come. She’d never seen anything like it. All those normal kids who were a pain in the arse and the ones who weren’t – this wasn’t some school fight, or a new drug – how could it be? There was no time to think about this, she had Toby and Sunita and no way to get them to safety (she didn’t want to think about the other twenty four kids who had been in her class). They were right next to the art cupboard with its cheery sign. Angela sighed in frustration and let go of Sunita so she could pull the keys out of her pocket. The girl just stood there, stiff and shaking while Angela fumbled with the lock.

Pulp Pirate 16

Flash Cast 79 – Waste Core

I’m endlessly delighted to contribute to Flash Pulp’s excellent Flash Cast; I really feel as if my own brand of pulp fiction has a home there. This week (I may be a few behind) they’ve included another Franklyn de Gashe tale (I had a recording spree where I could do the voice), The Recreational Entertainment which is about a man with a vivisected chair on the rampage.

It fits surprisingly well into the pulpy chatter (Tolkein, racist Germans, drug money, Rambo) and with the other segments for game and podcast reviews, disturbing news and darkened corners of history. Share and enjoy!

Listen to it now: 

FC79 Waste Core

http://flashpulp.com/
http://skinner.libsyn.com/rss
http://itunes.apple.com/podcast/flash-pulp/id367726315

Shankopalypse – The End of Angry Poetry

Shankanalia 2

The End is Nigh, or at least it feels like it is a lot of the time. The end for me, preferably the end for you. If we both go down that’s at least a 50% win, and most days that would be good enough for me. I’m not greedy or selfish, I’ll take my share of the pain if it will take you down with me.

Follow @shankanalia on Twitter for irregular poetic updates.

Shankopalypse – The End of Angry Poetry

Mandatory Voluntary Participation
You’re here today because you wanted to be
Uh…
Don’t interrupt
We’re here to talk to you
Uh…
Shush now
It’s important that you listen
Uh…
The end.

Straight Talking
Please, ask a question
We’ll give you an answer
Not the answer to that question, no
But the question I imagined in a dream…

Teamwork Part Two
Stop dying:
I’m trying
To do a thing
And I can’t
Because you’re crap.
Your insistence on failure
Is causing me pain.
I ought to return it,
Pain.

A Contribution To The Debate
The bright day of doom
Dawns on the unevolved man-beasts
Prowling the town in search
Of food or hope.
Notttingham rocks;
Mansfield doesn’t.

The Power of Advertising
Let’s be clear
Having a child read
Your cynical bullshit spiel
Makes your product
Ever more hateful
Plus I now want to cripple the child.

DIY
I want to dismantle you
With a hammer
And a staple-remover,
Reassemble you
To perform some function
More useful:
Maybe a box,
Or sausages.

Your English Is Excellent
Spam-tangling fucknonic moron,
Spaz-bangled fucktittery
Tossing belly grue
As if it helps.
Gargled verbal abnouns;
You gibber primevally.

More of The Same

This week, Monday 11th March 2013

Hunting the Bastard Fish

Bastard FishMaybe it’s just the time of year – the darkness hasn’t yet left us, and the promise of summer and light is still just that, a promise that may never be fulfilled – and I find myself struggling still. I know my Dad often puts the gloominess of this part of the year down to SAD-like symptoms, as do quite a few other people I know. I’m not sure; I’m usually happiest inside anyway, I have no particular love of being outside; I’m an indoor bunny.

It is still trying to snow, her white flakes blustering past against the dark of night always give me a bright internal smile. I imagine the world smothered and silent in that soft deadly blanket and it gives me a calmness inside. So I like the apocalypse, it has an enormous appeal – not necessarily surviving it for long, but just a few months after everything else is gone. Can you imagine the peace?

This week’s scribbles

Tuesday Shankopalypse – The End of Angry Poetry

Expressing stress through verse. It sometimes works. (not the last poetry edition, I promise)

Wednesday Pulp Pirate 14

Franklyn de Gashe pops up on Flash Pulp’s FlashCast once more.

Thursday The War Alone Day One: Art Class (2 of 3)

When the phones start ringing it’s time to start dying.

Friday Book Review:The Commmonwealth Saga by Peter F Hamilton

A review of Pandora’s Star and Judas Unchained.

Updates on my thrilling life

Writing

once upon a timeI’m stumbling around in the dark in the mornings, but I’ve got a trip to London this week so I aim to devote my travel time to yarn spinning. I’ve been tidying up a couple of multi-part stories, which still need further tidying. I need more one-shot tales as well – I’m going to have to impose some discipline upon myself again. I was quite pleased with the different voice I employed in Once Upon A Time. It felt a bit darker and more fairy tale like than I’d usually write. I’d also have to confess that the superb The Sad Tale of The Brothers Grossbart was high in my mind when thinking about that kind of story.

Last week’s scribbles

Tuesday Once Upon A Time Part 2 The bad fairy tale concludes with death.
Wednesday Franklyn de Gashe’s Audio Entertainments Two recorded de Gashe tales for your ear pleasure.
Thursday The War Alone Day One: Art Class (1 of 3) How the war begins, for one art teacher and her class. 
Friday Film Review: Hansel & Gretel – Witch Hunters A short review of the truly dreadful new film.

Lego

Genie FriendsJoy and excitement. I’ve been following The Brothers Brick with great interest as they post up some of the best Lego models from the world of Flickr and beyond. The detail and technique displayed in many models utterly confounded me until I started to read further. There are such things as Advanced Building Techniques. I found a great guide to them online (see the link below). It has tonnes of maths in it – the ratios between different bricks and their sides provide a platform for building unusual shapes. I’m especially enamoured of SNOT – Studs Not Out Technique, which can leave a beautiful polished shape quite unlike how Lego often looks. It does use and require a huge number of bricks. I may finally have to order some specific bricks to accomplish what I want.

Advanced Building Techniques

In case you’ve somehow not seen Alice Finch’s enormous Lego Hogwarts: check it out now.

You may not have spotted Lego for girls out there, or Lego Friends as they call it. The new mini figures (all girls) are a bit taller and have the suggestion of chest bumps, so they must be girls, and there’s an adorable range of mini animals out with them too. Most appealing are the new colours – pinks, purples, mustard yellows and blues that are presumably designed to appeal to girls. I like them too. I’ve been collecting the mini sets and had fun fiddling with them while watching Dexter this weekend. They made a nice little environment for the genie minifig.

Improv Comedy

Not much to report this week, we had a quiet Fisticuffs on Tuesday. We’re playing with Evente still and found it slightly more straightforward with just the four of us. Much of the difficulty feelsl ike it lies in the single opening scene which needs to be quicker and shorter, otherwise when we return to it later we are just repeating ourselves rather than expanding it into something new. We need to practice 5 and 6 person scenes where all the work is done with no more than two or three lines each. That reminds me of the Unspeakable Act from last week which featured privatisation of prisons and contract tendering to a ludicrous degree, such as the renting out of our single prisoner’s mind. It ended with the prisoner (Ben) being driven insane by an outsourced group of singing psychiatrists. Lovely. This week’s was equally odd, based on a Greek play and revolved around cannibalism and a blind seer (me).

Media Intake

Books

I inhaled the last two Dresden Files books I had – Turn Coat and Changes in just over a day each. A naughty pace but my god they are satisfying stories to read and enjoy. If you haven’t read them but enjoy a spot of paranormal detective fiction these are amongst the best out there. I’m now eyeball deep into The Dreaming Void, which follows on from the Commonwealth Saga (well, 1300 years after). The Works sell books, so we picked up seven there yesterday. The highlight for me was Cory Doctorow‘s Makers which will get added to my birthday heap, also one of the H.I.V.E. series which is fun Bond-ish young adult fluff. We got a bunch of things for The Lady M too: a Susanna Gregory, some Sherlockian nonsense and a great collection of vintage posters, including one for Monte Carlo featuring a couple surfing on Nessie; they are odd.

Films

Oz The Great And Powerful – I was happily surprised by how much I enjoyed this. I love Sam Raimi‘s early films, including Spidey 1 and 2, and this was equally filled with his sense of fun in direction and editing. Stylistically it has the same feel as the original The Wizard of Oz in the visial richness and slightly mannered performances, and a similar lack of complexity in the story. It was lacking something, but I’m not sure what. I suppose Oz is essentially for kids, but unlike most recent young adult fiction it lacks punch and the understanding that whatever darkness might appeal to an adult will also appeal to a child. I imagine lots of people really will not like the film. I adored the intro credits, which offer optical illusions and (sadly) CGI black and white zoetropes and the like. Very cool. It’s also nice to see that midgets are still in films purely for comic value.

Side Effects – a splendid, subtle little thriller that squeezed a very good performance out of the usually irritating Jude Law. There’s nothing especially original here, but the execution really elevates it. Rooney Mara is excellent and I found her portrayal of severe depression very affecting personally. Of course I can’t entirely give away the film, but that emotional investment left me feeling… odd afterwards. Good film.

Music

Very rare this segment. I’m not terribly aware of music, although I do listen to it in the shower and occasionally when writing. The last wave I music I truly loved was Trip Hop, and that’s a way back now. Nonetheless, this weekend I enjoyed The Baseballs and their ’50s American style covers of frequently terrible songs (Candyshop is a notable hit) – I very much enjoy their version of Natalie Imbruglia’s Torn:

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tg-Ny_KeMCo&w=560&h=315]

Events and Excitement

Improv shows

Thursday 14/03/13      Gorilla Burger: Improv Comedy Chaos – The City Gallery, Nottingham

Friday 29/03/13           MissImp in Action: Improvised Comedy Show – The Glee Club, Nottingham.

Film Review: Hansel & Gretel – Witch Hunters

Hansel and GretelI have a great love for terrible films. Not the really awful soul destroying ones, but those which have decent low budget:high aspiration or high budget:knowingly silly ratios. I firmly expected Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters to be a daft, gory nonsense fest with a few knowing winks to camera and high camp all round. Instead I feel irrationally betrayed. This film is awful, not so bad it’s good, but so bad it is bad and the badness seeps into the wounds in your flesh and makes you suffer.

Where to begin? I’m fine with the concept – Hansel and Gretel left in the woods as kids, preyed on by a witch, they kill her and become full time witch hunters. That’s fine. It falls apart almost immediately as the leads (Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton) are apparently playing it straight (mostly) against the rest of the cast who are just chowing down on the scenery. It’s rather jarring.

Not as jarring as the weightless plasticine weapons they tote around or the appalling make up effects for the witches – honestly, the makers of The Evil Dead would have been ashamed to toss the polyfilla-faced freaks on the screen. The witches are just ludicrous cackling things with no character or merit – their wirework looks exactly like the stunt doubles have just been jerked into the air, and the fight choreography is exceptionally poor. Think ‘80s cop TV drama and you’ve got the quality right. I like gore in films, and I like film violence but this film seems to revel in beating up women and killing them. Even Gretel gets beaten up by the sheriff and punched in the face.

The sheriff… initially Peter Stormare’s character is set up as the bad guy and has some potential, but he’s just stamped on halfway through the film (literally). Instead of doing any kind of human or social story line we’re dragged into a predictable and unoriginal plot to make witches invulnerable to fire and some other bollocks about white witches (I won’t spoil the whole film for you – they’ve done that themselves).

Every possible moment of interest or intrigue is ruined by choosing the laziest, most obvious and pointless revelation. Hansel injects himself regularly and gets ill if he doesn’t. He’s diabetic. Because he was forced to eat all the candy in that house where they burned the witch. Get it? Fuck off. A troll (apparently made of foam rubber) helps out Gretel but “trolls work for witches” so… oh my god she must be a-“. Yeah. Oh and there’s a handful of other red shirt characters and main characters you can’t possibly care about too.

There must have been something of merit in there… I quite liked the intro credits, until they stopped to allow the film to proceed. The end, when there are lots of witches around is like they’ve dug out all the rejects from Jabba’s Palace in Return of The Jedi. They’re okay. They all get killed by a massive gatling gun, including the Siamese twin witches and the paraplegic one. So that’s a waste. There’s a glimmer of a more fun film right at the end where they take their witch hunting crew off around the world, but by then you’ll want them all to die anyway.

I could rant further, but it’s making me remember too much of this atrocious mess of a film. How can I quantify its badness for you? It’s worse than Van Helsing (which I liked because it has a sense of fun), it’s worse than Season of the Witch, worse than Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter; it’s better than Revenge of Billy The Kid. Don’t watch it.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9246msCh7x4&w=560&h=315]