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The Desert Crystals – Part 14: A Timely Intervention

desert crystals5

Part 14 – A Timely Intervention

Falling to your death isn’t the worst thing that can happen to you. Sure, there are subjective forces at play, but I’d fall before being cut to pieces, drowned, burned or pulled apart. See – you probably feel better about falling now too; I know I do. Reflecting on your situation usually helps.

I know I don’t have long, though it feels like I’ve been falling forever. I could turn myself round and look down, but since I know my future I’d rather regard my past. It’s beautiful. The dawn spreads over the world, catching me up in its illuminating curtain – the moment I passed from night into day was like a second awakening. The first was when I exited the caves – straight down. But I’m jumping ahead.

I’ve never been afraid of heights. If I had been I’d never have been a rigger on airships. Bad enough on a sailing ship, crawling around sixty feet above the deck. In the air though – that old air bag’s sixty feet high or more, but hangs thousands of feet in the air. Alright, maybe I was scared the first few times clambering up the top ladder to check and patch the canvas. But the view – the Northern continent reaching out over the horizon in one direction and the glowing blue of the ocean to the other. I knew it was the place for me. Everything so small and inconsequential. All that matters is you and the crew, your ship and the weather. It’s like a family. Another family, in my case.

Emaille understands. He always did. Not that he’s a flighter himself; he’s the grounded sort. Though we did meet in the air, funnily enough. I’ve never seen a sicker man. I was fourth mate on a freighter – the Agile Barnum, humping kit and baggage to the Far Colony. We returned with their reports, casualties and prizes; Emaille was of the second kind.

It wasn’t exactly love at first sight. Poor Emaille had fallen victim to a Cactus Lion (a common plight of those new to Far Colony, and the unlucky), he was the only survivor of a group camped out in the dark fields. It had taken too long before their lack of contact was noted and acted on. Poor man; half the spines were turning septic and his skin was a mottled grey. He drifted in and out of consciousness during the trip back, but he had a nice smile despite the pallor and pain. His delirious babble was oddly charming and I found myself visiting him often.

Once we’d made port Emaille and the others were unloaded and taken off to the hospital. I thought of him often, but I didn’t want to find out he’d died, so I left a well wishing note and kept working. Flights come and go. Back then it was before I was fixed crew, so I took what I could. The next journeys took me through storms to far off lands, excitement, adventure and the boredom that we forget about when we’re grounded. When we returned from a round trip of the archipelagos he was there at the field. The marshal told me Emaille had been camped out by the hangers for weeks, waiting for me.

He looked like a different person without the spines, though his smile was the same. What can I say? He was charming, funny… He fairly swept me off my feet. It wasn’t long before we were living in each others’ pockets. Mind you, a pocket’s got to stretch a bit when one of you is in the air for a living. He never asked me to stop, and that made me love him all the more. There’s nothing like coming home to someone.

By the time we got married I was on Lord Corshorn’s crew. Following air tradition he married us himself and we were released into the air in a basket balloon for our first night together. Poor Emaillle, he handled it well and there were ways to distract him. They’d let us up a long way and it took a while to be hauled back down – the length of the tether represents the trust and love in the marriage. A good sign. I took pity on him and we laughed at each other, and we rented a little house near the airfield and made a proper home.

I only stopped flying for a short while, when the twins were very young. Chilai and Erlaigh. They picked up my love of flying and I’d take them with me on the shortest of routes. Emaille coped well with that, despite being terrified for them. His work – metamorphology – kept him busy when he wasn’t busier being a fine stay at home father. The university was surprisingly accommodating, though a friend in the department confided that he’d ruined his chances of tenure by falling for me, and the twins. Emaille never mentioned it. The twins were five just before we set off with Rosenhatch’s expedition. It was a lovely day of cakes and silliness and friends.

The sky cliff is just a dot now, far above me. I long since lost sight or care about the nightmare fall through the dark of that place, or the horror of losing my grip on the ladder. They say your life flashes before your eyes when you’re about to die- the good things or the bad depending on your nature. As a flighter I always knew I’d die in the air, but I never really thought about the fall. It’s beautiful. The sun bathes me with her warmth as I rush into the Great Bane Desert’s morning.

I only think of Emaille and our twins. I think that’s enough.

Next Week: Part 15 – Blood’s The Thing

In the same series:

Gig: Splendour in Nottingham 20th July 2013

Ahar! Cabaret Fun

I’m compering and telling pirate tales this Saturday at the Splendour Festival at Wollaton Park. Sure, there’s lots of great music on, but there’s also a cabaret stage with a themed bar!

Lambhorse Cabaret and The Alley Cafe have joined forces to provide Big Tops and Tall Tales.  It’s going to be a great day! My stuff starts at 4pm, but there’s circussy wonders before that too, and hours of stilt walking, trapezey and generally mental stuff. You’ll find us at the Cabaret tent.
image  Splendour 2013

Lego Blog: Galaxy Squad Love (70707)

ExoSuit Heaven!

Galaxy Squad - Alien AttackI got really excited when I saw the new Lego Galaxy Squad sets advertised. There are lots of lovely clean colours and neon yellow-green alien bug beasties. It’s basically Starship Troopers (the finest of Robert Heinlein’s work). The new moulded helmets and the Galaxy Squad sidekick (droid?) heads are pretty cool too. The orange and white colour scheme puts me very much in mind of the Series 9 spaceman/Power Ranger figure and I think a mash up is in order.
The big mech dude / exo-suit is awesome. It’s a fun build and takes a satisfying amount of time with the neat specialised bricks that enable accurate posing and ball sockets and such. I’ve found that pretty helpful as I’m not the most engineering minded person and have been struggling to figure out the best way to do joints. Most of the build is on the body which turned out to be cooler than I’d expected. The body is a detachable spaceship with a clear canopy and pleasing back and sides. It bolts on neatly, and comes off easily. When you do take it off, the back swings up and replaces the body with a smaller gun platform and the back up robot. A nice feature! The arms are just guns, with the push-power missiles as usual. I really want an elbow joint and massive robot fist!

 

Neon Creepy Crawlies

The reason I love this set is that you don’t just get the huge mecha, you also get a pair of creepy bugs! The neon abdomen/tail things (my biology is adrift) are wonderful pieces – they come in half so you can put a minifig inside and cart it off for unspeakable horrors. They don’t stand up brilliantly, which is a shame – the arrangement is those odd arm pieces and a big sword piece. They look awesome, but you have to balance them carefully to prevent the legs splaying instantly. If you put a minifig in the tail you’ve got no chance. They are super-creepy though.
 

The Full Set

So here’s the heap of stuff you get – it’s a decent set for the price (£34.99), it’s already given me a great deal of pleasure and I’ve been greedily eyeing some of the new bricks in it… I’m especially looking forwards to customising the mecha and expanding it. It’s hard to see just how big the mech build is – it towers above the minifigs in very satisfying fashion. The minifigs are cool too, and come with chunky weaponry. The binoculars stuck on the end of the pistols are effective, and the robot’s huge gun is fun – but again, makes it tough to balance the guy. Get one – enjoy!
 

You can see all my pictures in glorious colour here on Flickr.

Related articles

Autofiction: Overheated

Panic FlowerToo Hot To… Type

So I’m lazily reposting a bunch of personal stuff instead. I hope that doesn’t suck too badly.

Things That I Have Felt and Written

This week, Monday 15th July 2013

Miraculous Avoidance of Sun Stroke.

Hiding From the HeatLike any Englishman worth his beaded perspiration I am still complaining about the weather. This heat is unnatural, energy sapping and brain-wooglifying.
I have been unable to spurn it with customary disinterest however. I spent all of Saturday out doors, beginning quite early (i.e. before midday) in Derby with the erection of gazebos before compering Knickerbocker Glorious in the blazing sunshine from 11-3. I did live in the shade, which must have been cooler than the metal chairs used by the audience for inflaming their buttocks. We had wonderful singers, some of whom I already knew and others new to me. I’ll do a post with a link and track for each of them later in the week. In the usual scheduling shenanigans I got to fill a few gaps with stories. I was surprised to find that Franklyn de Gashe’s nun gangbang story went down quite well… After that my other half and I stumbled wearily through the vast air-conditioned Westfield centre and gazed with awe at Toy Planet‘s Lego wall. I left with Lego. I was happy. I was also very ready to collapse in a wheezing heap of sleep.

Alas, no such succour was to be had. The train back to Nottingham was possibly the coolest part of my day, which is certainly worrying. Next stop – The Orange Tree pub. They’ve always had an excellent rum menu and they’ve just launched a new one and celebrated it with a pirate night. I was nicely asked to read a few pirate stories for ’em. Which I did! It was crazy hot in there though as their performance space is right in front of huge windows. Phew. I also had a delightful cocktail whose name eludes me now but is a full pint (excellent rehydration!) containing two kinds of rum, condensed milk, Guinness and nutmeg. Gorgeous.

After that it was off to Mr Parkhouse’s for a fine garden party where we enjoyed the cooling night. All very good. I have attained my highest level of suntan – I have a few freckles.

♥ This week’s scribbles

Tuesday Autofiction: Overheated MusingsWhy is it so hot? The sun’s like, miles away.

Wednesday Lego Blog: Galaxy Squad Love I guess it’s a kind of review…

Thursday The Desert Crystals Part 14 “A Timely Intervention” Trapped in the dark tunnels of a flying mountain…

Friday Film Review: Pacific Rim  YES

Updates on my thrilling life

Writing

I swear it’s too hot to write. I can feel my brain slowing down. I shall not let it stop entirely however. The two weeks of madness is about to kick in though which may play hell with my schedule. Just so’s ya knows.

Last week’s scribbles

desert crystals5Shanktart – Toasted Sugar Rage Poetry Letting off a little steam.

Lego Blog: There’s An Ogre At My Castle Cute cyclops-ogres at an abandoned castle.

The Desert Crystals – Part 13: A Chamber of Horrors The story finally swings back to poor Jacob, lost in the dark.

Product Review: Fat Jack’s Tash Wax Lots of films, short reviews.

Lego

I have barely tossed the bricks this week, which is a shame for I do love ’em. I’ve been quite pleased with people’s feedback on the Ogre’s Castle. It’s certainly the most satisfying model I’ve built. What next? Well the Galaxy Squad stuff is pretty inspiring with lots of pretty parts.

Improv Comedy

In readiness for a week of incessant improv, we’re having a quiet one this week. Last week we enjoyed Gorilla Burger – I was lucky enough to be in two of the three show slots. The first was a round of Eddie’s Top Story (with Marilyn and Lloydie too) with strict three sets of two person scenes. We had a good time in them – the emphasis was on premise-based scenes and I was pleased to find we were all in accord on guessing and matching at each others’ ideas.

I think I was hankering for a little more freedom, weirdness and organic development and that’s how David and I did our bit with BitchCock KerFuffle (we are now agreed on where the capital letters lie). It felt great – freewheeling through scenes that all began organically and mockingly but developed rapidly until we felt they should end. Highlights for me included negotiating the return of stolen goods, unfortunate erotic conditioning and valuing chairs as people. We had a marvellous time.

Media Intake

Books

I’ve slowed down a bit this last week. I finished off Shards of Honor by Lois McMaster Bujold which I really did enjoy. She has a different slant on the sci-fi novel (I’ve never read her work before, except maybe a few short stories) and I found the romantic plot-line compelling and touching. Since I’ve now got a new Kindle (the dinky Kindle 4) I moved straight on to The Last Unicorn by Peter Beagle. Although the title seemed familiar I hadn’t twigged that it’s the book which the wondrous and bizarre animated film (of the same name) is based on. I loved the film as a child, though I haven’t watched it for a long time. I have powerful memories of the Red Bull and the weird sexy lady tree. I spent the weekend pestering other people to see if they’ve seen it. No one has. Guess what they’re getting for Christmas…

Films

A fairly quiet time – we’ve been busy and that conflicts with the joy of spending hours in a large dark air-conditioned room, but we did watch Pacific Rim yesterday. Best. Film. Ever. Okay, it’s a huge B movie but I loved loved loved it. I shall babble more on Friday. By then I hope to have acquired merchandise!

Events and Excitement

MissImp and Friends and Messing With A Friend – Wednesday 24th July

Time and place to be confirmed, but will feature the Fisticuffs team, London’s sci-fi twoprov Project 2 and Susan Messing.

MissImp in Action – Friday 26th July

8.30pm at The Glee Club, Nottingham.
High energy improvised comedy show.

Gigs Saturday 13th July 2013 – Knickerbocker Glorious! and Rum Ahoy!

I’ve got two fun piratical gigs this Saturday (tomorrow):

Knickerbocker Glorious

Knickerbocker Glorious

Furthest From The Sea and Derby Cathedral Quarter present four hours of live street entertainment – music, poetry, comedy and theatre.

11-3 – Four hours of FREE street entertainment at the Fountain area in the Cathedral Quarter
Starring Emma Bladen Jones, George Formby (Ewan Wardrop), Leo Swarvett, Chris Allen, and compered by our very own Captain Pigheart…

[soundcloud url=”http://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/73720473″ params=”” width=” 100%” height=”166″ iframe=”true” /]

Aye, ye saw me name a-right – I’ve got me own tale slot at 12.20 but I’ll be fillin’ the gaps and dying from heat stroke for ye amusement.

Rum AhoyRum Ahoy!

The Orange Tree in Nottingham are celebrating their new rum menu with a pirate themed evening of fun and drinking:

The Orange Tree presents RUM AHOY!
Kicking off at 5pm, we have entertainment to take you swashbuckling (something pirates do) throughout the night!
LIVE MUSIC & PIRATE GAMES
RUM SAMPLING & COCKTAIL OFFERS
THE BEST DRESSED PIRATES DRINK RUM FOR FREE!
What’s even more exciting is that if you buy a Sailor Jerry, you’ll receive an awesome collectible cup and a chance to win a trip to Hawaii! Ooo aaar!
Bring ya mates & yer pieces of eight!

A marvellous notion. I’ve been invited to share some yarns with the fine folk between 5-6pm.  Following that there will be pirate music, dancing, cocktails and a best dressed pirate competition.

Product Review: Fat Jack’s Tash Wax

A Moustachioed Man

I must confess this is less a review than an out and out product endorsement (befitting of my celebrity pirate role no doubt). I have worn a moustache for (I think) the last six or seven years. It didn’t come easily. I am not an hirsute gentlemna; indeed the prospect of excessive bodily hair is likely to leave me shrieking for escape. Nonetheless I do manage to tolerate my furrier friends. I first began the facial furze project at university (some fifteen years ago now). It took a while to take root, and only ever found its footing in the lower steppes of jaw and throat. Over time the hairs have extended their reach, occasionally appearing worryingly close to my eyes, and finally (at about 25 or so) edging tentatively over the hideous ravine of the filtrum. It took some coaxing, but once the moustache got going I have never since been without it. I was positively thrilled when it became clear that it would be comfortably long enough to furl, twist and curl into charming idiosyncratic whorls.

Apply Gunk To My Face

There are many, many hair products out there – aimed at both the noggin fur and that of the sub-nasal regions. For a long time I used some of the more hardcore gels and waxes for ordinary hair. The existence of gentlemanly barbering tools had passed beneath my notice. They were right under my nose the whole time… I’ve experimented with a range of excellent tasche tools- from very stiff waxes that need to be coerced into applicable putty to far drier compounds (which still do the trick), and found them all to have their place. Obviously this is going to be highly dependent on what sort of moustache hair you have, and indeed whether you possess a fine lip rug or not. In the latter case this is probably of little interest.

Fat Jack’s Tash Wax

image

I found Fat Jack’s on eBay about two years ago and have used it pretty consistently since then. It comes in a dinky 15ml tin in either fragrance free or mint. I’ve tried both and they work exactly the same, except that the mint one does leave a pleasant scent right under your nose: ideal for plague work. The wax is like a refrigerated butter, but without the oily quality.

It mashes up very easily and the clincher for me is that it takes about 30 seconds to sort out my moustache, rather than several minutes with a harder wax. That does vary, depending on the current length of my moustaches – a full curl still takes a bit longer to ensure some evenness between them. It also holds really well – even in the appalling summer heat we’re experiencing. Rain can give it a bit of a kicking though. Since I carry the stuff always (I’m a rucksack person) that doesn’t pose a problem and it’s easily reapplied for some extra definition. I frequently do that before going on stage where the heat of the lights plus perspiration can make one’s lip branches wilt rather. This is all normal though for a wax which remains firm yet soft on the face.

Some waxes can be very rigid and even hard, which feels a bit weird – Fat Jack’s Tash Wax is perfect, ideally firm and swiftly applied. Most of the compliments I’ve received on my moustache (and this really does happen in the street, shops, pubs…) have been since using Fat Jack’s. It’s nice. This is also a well-priced moustache wax – the pack I got this week was £6.99 for two tins from eBay (free P&P). You can now buy it from their website too for slightly less. If it matters to you particularly this is a UK made and produced product.

I commend their services to you, if you have a moustache to wrangle; if you don’t possess a moustache I suggest you either grow one or groom someone else’s.

http://www.fatjackstashwax.com

Book Review

Film Review

The Desert Crystals – Part 13: A Chamber of Horrors

desert crystals5

Part 13 – A Chamber of Horrors

Jacob Bublesnatch had never been an especially troublesome youth, even on his adventuring days, when he would try his parents’ patience sorely by vanishing into the tunnels beneath and around Ortheria. Even in his later adolescence he had been respectful of girls and polite to his parents. When he finally left home to beg work and passage at the airfields he did so with their blessing. He’d been a good lad, was becoming a good lad. A bit shy perhaps with over large hands and a tendency to become involved in the journals he was reading.

He’d done nothing bad – certainly nothing worth worrying about. There had been that one time when he and the younger mates had been chased out of a pub in Goloschek. In high spirits they’d stripped half naked and made something of a mess with beer and the local spirit Kamchz, and possibly embarrassed a lady. But that was nothing, even the constable had admitted he’d done much the same as a lad. They weren’t even fined. Jacob, like most people had a vague notion of reaping what you sow, getting what you pay for and other hazy philosophies intended to grant a person safe passage through the world. As a result of this naïve and gentle upbringing he was utterly unable to grasp his present hideous condition.

Seized by a vile monster in the night sky (following a lamentable steering slip), torn from the comfort of The Dove’s Eye, dangled thousands of feet above the ground by the nightmarish creature, and dragged inside its impossible lair were only the beginnings of his misfortune. He’d blindly stumbled about the black interior of the sky cliff, his eyes itching with the revolting gunk he’d peeled off his face after waking in the dark. Blindly stumbling is almost always the antecedent for a worsening of one’s general affairs, and so Jacob had discovered when he found his foot touching nothing but air, and followed it with the rest of him.

It is perhaps a tribute to his mental resilience that while plummeting into unknown depths he was not disturbed by the prospect of where he might land, or how much worse his condition might become, but by the sheer unfairness of it all. In those seemingly endless seconds he wracked his memory for any event, action or thought that might have merited such punishment. It is more likely to be a cruel jest on the part of fate, anticipating that Jacob would be unable to conjure a worse outcome than he had already suffered. In the scoring system that must surely exist, cruel fate was way in the lead.

Darkness makes fools of us all and Jacob was to be no exception. After the first moments of falling his body grew used to not having hit anything and relaxed, in concert with his mental recriminating. Jacob’s only hint that he was nearing the bottom of his drop was a powerfully fetid odour that rose from the depths, filling his mouth and nose with a retchsome stench. It was only a breath of what was to come.

He slapped down hard in a moist, stinking pool of foul lumpy liquid. He immediately commenced a panicked thrashing – the smell was like the alley behind the butchers’ in high summer, only a thousand times worse. Like quicksand the mire began to drag him down. Jacob forced himself to hold still, and spread his arms out. Horrid lumpy shapes nudged against him in the dark, pressing into his ribs and arms. They felt upsetting, and terribly familiar. Jacob gagged and retched as he tried to spit out the slimy filth and rotting flavour. His skin crawled with nausea, and very possibly tiny creatures wriggling under his fingernails and into his ears, nibbling at the soft flesh and burrowing deeper. He was in little doubt that he was lying in awful gore, offal, bone and liquefying body juice.

Unable to contain himself further, and near vomiting continuously poor Jacob Bublesnatch made a further attempt to extract himself from the ghastly mess. Carefully he stretched out his arms and legs and began to swim. He made what he felt was good progress – surely there must be a side, an edge, an end to the pit of foulness he’d ended up in. Then his arm got caught, on some slimy sticky shape, he flinched and tugged a mass of something back at himself, his arm bent and locked at the elbow and wrist inside it. A mouth: he was sure he could feel teeth, just beginning to bite down, to snap his arm in half.

Frantically Jacob tore his arm from the surface of the sludge. It came loose with a sickening burp of gases and smacked Jacob in the face. In a burst of adrenalized fear he beat the creature against the thick morass until he heard something wetly snap and then his hand was free again. Breathing heavily while your body wants to throw up is difficult and Jacob found he had to compromise with shorter breaths and more choking. He was soon distracted once more from his terrible misfortune by an unusual sensation below him. A curious swelling beneath his legs, tugging the grim slurry around him. A tiny lurching progress began, pulling him down again. The suction became fiercer, and Jacob was twisted round, the swirling charnel became a whirlpool of unspeakable gore.

Once more Jacob tumbled into the abyss, falling with streams of vile smelling gobbety mulch all around. He realised that this was most likely the end, the final mockery fate had in store for him. Then hope surged up in his heart – below him was a dim glow – some source of light – even falling out into the sky wouldn’t be as awful as what he had endured. Then he smacked into a hard slick surface. Instinctively he grappled for a handhold. His slimy hands skittered over the smooth familiar shape – a rope! But too wet, his hands failed to grip and he slid around the edge, tracing an increasing curve, desperately pressing his whole body against it, squeaking his way to vertical and a further release.

He didn’t have far to fall, landing atop a sliding heap and almost tumbling further when something grabbed and hauled him back up, letting him down on reassuring solid wooden planks. Jacob fell to his knees and held his hand up over his eyes against the suddenly blinding light. He peered out between his fingers. The huge mandibles and clacking jaws that filled his blinkered sight made the poor boy finally faint.

Next Week: Part 14 – A Timely Intervention

In the same series:

Lego Blog: There’s An Ogre At My Castle

Castle Fun (playing for keeps)

Rediscovering my brother’s old castle Lego inspired me to tinker about with lovely grey bricks and do some castling myself. Initially it was just a bumbling wreck (early versions), but then I stumbled across the quarter circle bricks (dammit, I need proper names for bricks!) and those were the seed pieces for the rest. I soon discovered that building across round bricks is not easy and I’d created a considerable problem for myself. Nothing unusual there. I ended up building both upwards and downwards alternately, holding the castle wall awkwardly in my hand and frequently firing bricks across the room. I’ve very much admired the rock formation techniques displayed by many wonderful builders on Flickr, and so I had a go.

I think it’s turned out well. You can check out all the photos on my Flickr photostream.

Ogre's Castle - front

As the castle grew I realised I’d built a corner and felt no particular desire to expand it sideways (one day maybe) but it seemed to keep going up; I couldn’t find a top I liked. I finally forced myself to stop, although I’m still not certain that I like it now… I did an awful lot of swapping of bricks and unbuild, rebuild, explode, rebuild until it finally had to be attached to something. From there it all felt very natural. I like the plants with the flowers removed and I really like the various leaf and branch pieces.

Up Above And Roundabout

I soon discovered I had quite a lot of space to play with and decorate. I like models you can see and enjoy all the way around. Building up the rocks gave me a natural cellar and what can you put in cellars but the dead… I also had a proper floor and plenty of flat tiles to play with, so I ended up with some quite pretty effects (I think). The skeletons are almost complete, I had to do quite a bit of messing about with parts to get the chap in armour to stay put (he’s clipped to the floor) and I had only one arm (from the wrong skeleton figure), so there’s a lever pin holding the shield in place and a white droid arm holding the axe. I also decided to build the base up and make a bit of a feature out of it, as well as experiment with fitting the awkward boulder shapes in.

Miniature Ogres

The cyclops ogres that came out in Series 11 are fabulous – they have two one-eyed faces and a helmet head. Brilliant. I wanted to make them a bit cuter and increase the appearance of scale so they all have Hobbit legs. I think they’re adorable. I’m not certain whether they live in the castle or just scavenge in its ruins, but I’m glad they’re there.

Ogre's Castle - Happy Ogres

 

Everything, in even more painful detail can be found here: Flickr photostream

Related articles

Shanktart – Toasted Sugar Rage Poetry

Shankanalia12On the good ship burning hot… it’s time to smear a little anger on the sweaty hot days of Nottingham’s doubtless brief summer. It’s other people who wind me up (not, I scream at you, the result of my own intolerance, no no…) and their pitiful need for constant support at the exact same time as making out like they actually know what the fuck they’re doing. For pity’s sake – you can’t eat both ends of the candle.

Follow @shankanalia on Twitter for irregular poetic updates.

Shanktart – Toasted Sugar Rage Poetry

Everyone Has A Contribution To Make
If you really think you can do it better
Have a go.
No, go on,
Just have a go
Oh, don’t get it?
Well shut the fuck up
And keep your dumbfuck ideas.

I’m Listening To You
Oh you fucking people.
Shut your fucking mouths.
Your tongue-lip fuckery
Makes me sick;
Jisming nonsense spurts-
Speechly drool drips from your lips.

Work Out
Tearing off your head
Will exercise the muscles
In my sprain-ed wrist.
A little digitation
To tug out your paltry brain-sac
And toss into a ditch.

You Can Be The Uniquest Snowflake
Your name is unspeakable,
Common and crude,
Indistinguishable from the mass
Of writhing morons.
Liberate yourself
Be a Moonfish or Fucknut:
It’d help.

Identify Yourself
Who are you?
Are you the guy who used to be a gal
Who had a name
Bisected by a vowel?
I don’t care
I hope your dead now
I’m assigning you a code.

Spreadsheet Sickness
The codes!
The codes!
My god:
The goddamned codes.
I don’t know if you’re numeric,
Alphabetic,
Or going septic
But you’re making
Me dyspeptic.

Fractionally Less Useful
Dumb as a plug and twice as ugly;
Half the sense of a halfwit.
Quartered with the babbling
Fools that occupy your mind-
Hiding in a moron miasma.
More of The Same

This week, Monday 8th July 2013

Oh god the sun – it burns!.

Sun bleach beastsIt’s like a fire in the damned sky. I am of course the only person I know complaining about the weather. Apparently it is wonderful. I’m a snow and gloom kinda guy though and this heat really wipes me out. So far I have evaded sunburn despite spending more time out in the sun than in the last year over this last two weekends. I’m not really looking forwards to a week in our greenhouse office (where we routinely consider 28 degrees to be normal). I may even wear shorts. Even if I’m too hot at least others will be frightened by my knees.

Still, despite the weather vile it’s looking like a fine week – I have my other half back, since she’s been getting people killed by zombies again with 2.8 Hours Later‘s Asylum game in Leeds. But she’s back and not stained too badly red this time. It sounds like amazing fun – this time she’s been playing a dying van driver (who dies in front of the audience) who sends the survivors into the back of a van full of zombies. I cannot wait for it to return to Nottingham.

We also have Gorilla Burger this week (see way below for time and place), being run by the marvellous Dr Findell. The recent feature of three specific performance slots emerged out of last month’s superb show with Shannon O’Neal. This month I’ve got the privilege of being in two slots – Eddie’s Top Story team and playing in bromantic duo Bitchcock Kerfuffle with David. There should also be a third team emerging out of new play/show jam night Up and Coming Improv on Monday. Exciting.

Then I get to dick about all day in Derby for Furthest From The Sea and The Cathedral Quarter‘s Knickerbocker Glorious. I’m compering four hours of free live music, comedy and other awesomeness at The Fountain in the Market Place 11-3. Hurray!

♥ This week’s scribbles

Tuesday Shanktart: Toasted Sugar Rage Poetry Ah poetry, such sweet release.

Wednesday Lego Blog: Abandoned Castle I have successfully made a thing.

Thursday The Desert Crystals Part 13 “A Chamber of Horrors” Trapped in the dark tunnels of a flying mountain…

Friday Something Review: Oh God What Will It Be?  I haven’t decided yet…

Updates on my thrilling life

Writing

Back in da house. Oh yeah. I’m finally back in the swing again – I have slightly more time and I was very happy to hit my writing targets. It’s the first time in a couple of months I’ve had the time to scribble a random short story and it felt good. I’m even more pleased to finally put in part 12 of The Desert Crystals. Being slightly out of sorts with where I’d gotten to I made the dubious decision to add another story thread. Yay for weaving. Or possibly knitting…

The multi film review got a bit challenging, but then I remembered I only have to say what I want to about a film. They seem to get read, which is nice. Personally I never do read reviews for films – I haven’t found anyone who I trust – so often they’re just really wanky and pretentious. I tend to enjoy fairly trashy action and sci-fi stuff – pulp films I suppose and reviewers seem to be unnecessarily mean without considering that they were going to hate it anyway. I realise I also fall into that latter camp (but After Earth really is fucking terrible)… I am finding myself increasingly aware of the lack of a female presence in films. I noticed it when I started writing reviews and in a brief review I can’t get into all the characters so I usually cover the ones I remember or who seem important to the story – and the ladies aren’t getting a look in. It’s disappointing – I like variety, especially in performance and film is sorely lacking (especially the genres I favour) – poor show film makers, poor show.

Last week’s scribbles

desert crystals5Hayfevered Dreams: A Brain-Scrambled Story #1 The pollen! The pollen!

Lego Blog: Disordered Fun and joy fiddling with bricks.

The Desert Crystals – Part 12: Hark, The Wings We’re back! The adventure continues with pursuit.

Film Review Round Up: Man of Steel, Despicable Me 2, Snitch, World War Z (2013) Lots of films, short reviews.

Lego

I consider this week to be a Lego success. I have drooled over Lego online at The Brothers Brick and elsewhere and been continuously taunted with Lego rumours by my other half while she messed about at the Lego Store in Leeds. I have also had a ‘Lego playdate’, finished sorting my Lego by colour – only to doubt myself and begun exploring sorting by shape (thanks Doc!). Not only that but I’ve actually finished a thing! No, not the steampunkery stuff, but the odd little castle diorama I was tinkering at last week. You may see it in full on Wednesday. It’s not large, but I’m quite proud of it.

Improv Comedy

Well it’s all the week ahead really, though I’m also excited beyond that point to soon be getting some training avec le team by Susan Messing (she of US improv mastery), and be sharing the stage with her too, though probably not at exactly the same time. It’s all to play for folks! And then of course we have the show at The Glee Club at the end of the month. In excellent news, we’re booked there until well into next year already.

Media Intake

Books

I finished Peter F Hamilton’s second collection of shorter stories Manhattan In Reverse which were consistently excellent and satisfying. I was especially pleased that several of the tales are based in the Commonwealth timeline with some of my favourite characters like Inspector Myo. Then I started on Ben Goldacre’s book Bad Science. It’s a frequently hilarious and deeply worrying assault and expose on the bullshit of “alternative” medicine, nutrition and other deceitful scams and science failures. I’m enjoying it very much- it’s nice to have confirmed the things I see and find myself suspicious of. Critical thinking and scepticism of any kind are horribly neglected.

Last week I downloaded the latest Humble Bundle pay what you want set of books – if you pay over the average you get an extra two books as well. I paid over the average. A splendid set, including two that I already have on paper (Cory Doctorow’s Little Brother and Cherie Priest’s Boneshaker) and four others – Spin by Robert Charles Wilson, Shards of Honor by Lois McMaster Bujold (which I’ve just started) and the two extras The Last Unicorn by Peter Beagle and Wil Wheaton’s Just A Geek. Buy now – the average is just $9.52 (or fuck all). It’s a great website – you see how much has been paid in total, average and get to choose how the money you pay is split (authors/charity/tip). Very cool.

Films

Well, after massively overdosing last week I’ve taken it a bit easier and just watched most of the episodes season one of Star Wars The Clone Wars. I’m rather enjoying it – lots of battle, and the anime styling is nice. They keep almost inadvertently hinting at the massive ethical problems of mass-producing clones to be butchered by semi-sentient disposable droids. That’s a bit odd. Anyway, I tend to forget that the prequels (including this) have anything to do with the real Star Wars films or my brain might explode, so they’re proving rather fun. Unless of course that racist mockery Jar-Jar Binks shows up and ruins everything in total absence of humour. Worse, he ends up the hero. I wish he would be killed.

Oh no – did watch one film: Hummingbird with Jason Statham. Yeah, I’m actually going to leave it there.

Events and Excitement

Gorilla Burger – Thursday 11th July

7.30pm at The Corner, Nottingham.
Live improvised lunacy from anyone willing to get up on the stage. Bring your own booze!

Knickerbocker Glorious – Saturday 13th July

11-3 at The Fountain, Market Place, Derby.
I’m compering a day of free music, comedy and spoken word entertainment.

MissImp and Friends and Messing With A Friend – Wednesday 24th July

Time and place to be confirmed, but will feature the Fisticuffs team, London’s sci-fi twoprov Project 2 and Susan Messing.

MissImp in Action – Friday 26th July

8.30pm at The Glee Club, Nottingham.
High energy improvised comedy show.

Film Review Round Up: Man of Steel, Despicable Me 2, Snitch, World War Z (2013)

A Small Caveat

Spoilers ahead! There’s no point me telling you what I thought of a film (if indeed you care at all) if I don’t talk about the film and what happens in it. Besides – make up your own damn mind. This is what I think, I assume you won’t necessarily agree. I’d also like to state that I like comics, superheroes, zombies, cartoons and action films. That should set you up. And… go.

Man of Steel (2013)

‘Ard as Nails

Superman… It starts in a way I love – a view of Krypton just before its destruction. They’ve given it a cool future fantasy vibe (any technology sufficiently advanced will always look like magic stuff) which dark, gothic and spacey all at the same time. Loved it. Michael Shannon as General Zod is extremely satisfying – the guy always looks nuts and this role is a good boot for him. Kal-El gets sent off to Earth with a dissolved skull in his tummy (sounds weird – is weird) and I really feared that it would slow down to the usual tedious Supes growing up story. Mostly however, they skip it. We get more of his past in flashback, much of which doesn’t add a great deal to either his character or the story. I am developing a deep loathing for the superhero origin story – we all know the stories – there is no more to tell… skip to the action.

I quite like Henry Cavill‘s mercifully quiet Superman. He looks the part; he’s got some impressive bitch tits on him. The film really kicks off when Zod and co. turn up to bring Clark’s genetic diversity back. Or something – they’ve wrapped a confusing racial purity thing in, but I don’t think it really matters for the story. Some marvellous fights follow, interrupted briefly by the Doctor from Star Trek Voyager – sorry – his Dad in holographic form via his key fob. It’s all good fun, plus they toss in a gravity bonking terraforming machine for good measure. Tens of thousands die, no one cares, Clark and Lois have a cuddle. I hoped, really hoped they would do something different and not do the crappy journalist story line but it’s set up at the end. Oh well, they did get the first decent Superman film in so far.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T6DJcgm3wNY&w=560&h=315]

Despicable Me 2 (2013)

I don’t really remember the first one, only that I didn’t like it as much as Megamind. I did however love the Minions, the silly yellow fellows who speak a daft blend of European languages and nonsense. Thankfully this film is mostly about them. Oh sure, there’s a plot where Grue gets picked up to help finger a super-villain and find a girlfriend who can be mother to his three adopted daughters (because god forbid a lone male should care for children – that’s what women are for), but almost all the gags and the maguffins are the Minions.

In places I found the film extremely funny – the slapstick and silliness are infectious (at least one viewer slipped on the stairs) and I was kept happily entertained. The final songs from the Minions are wonders. Looks good, moves snappily and bodes well for a Minion solo movie too.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HwXbtZXjbVE&w=560&h=315]

Snitch (2013)

I’ll always watch Dwayne Johnson – he’s a big good looking guy with beautiful delicate eyebrows. He uses them for most of his acting and generally it pays off, along with his entirely credible stage fighting. This is a bit of role shift for him – he’s playing the father of a kid rather meanly imprisoned in some (entirely likely US) legal entrapment/cahoots shenanigans. He carries it pretty well and I enjoyed his solution to the legal wrangle – going undercover into drug trafficking to snare some baddies and get his son released. I suspect it’s a measure of how much I like him as a comic/action actor that I felt let down that he doesn’t get to go all out and go on a proper revenge spree. He does smash a bunch of cars quite nastily off the road and fires a shotgun one-handed, so it’s not all bad.

The rest of the cast support well and add credibility to the overall scenario (“based on true events” so it’s presumably miles away from the source story), but really it’s about him and the ex-con he harangues into returning to his violent life. It was a bit long, and I found the end a bit of a let down, but only because I still felt the need for more violence. Oh – I also kind of wanted his son to die in prison, but only just before he’s supposed to be released. It sounds mean but it would have been a better ending and made far more of a statement about America’s cruel and inflexible punishments.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=irYYy_mt374&w=560&h=315]

World War Z (2013)

So they’ve ruined Max Brooks’ excellent book collating survivor stories. It really is very good and would have been fantastic if adapted into a TV series where each 3 hour episode was one of the stories. Oh well – let’s move on.

So they’ve ruined Max Brooks’ excellent book collating survivor stories… instead replacing it with a generic zombie apocalypse with a few nods and locations to the source material (e.g. Israel is in it and there are scenes on boats). What it does have is suspense – lots of it. Surprisingly they manage to maintain that despite the 15 rating (aiming for 12A?) with no deaths on screen and precious little blood. Nonetheless, through some remarkably contrived scenes (if you don’t laugh at the last bit in Wales you either haven’t seen enough films or have become overly invested in Brad Pitt’s survival) they get genuine tension, mixed up with the laughs that you need and some great massive crowd scenes (pity about the rubbery Count Dooku people).

I’d have preferred slow zombies and for the filmmakers to resist that urge to explain everything – it doesn’t matter where the rabies variant came from – the film should be about survival, not winning. For pity’s sake. It’s very obvious they had a nightmare shoot and re-shot a tonne of it later. The Israeli soldier lady is a great character but naturally neglected – they do at least have her lose a hand so she can’t be a very effective female soldier and has a man to do stuff for her. That all sounds a bit mean, but it’s okay – I enjoyed it. I just won’t remember it.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcwTxRuq-uk&w=560&h=315]

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The Desert Crystals – Part 12: Hark, The Wings

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Part 12 – Hark, The Wings

Angel Flame, proud owner of the finest wingship this side of the Great Bane Desert hawked and spat at the feet of the man on the other end of her gangplank. She did it daintily though, conveying both distaste and a curious refinement with the projectile. She stood, hands resting lightly on the handles of her pistols which in turn rested lightly on her hips. Her gaze was fixed on the somewhat obese gentleman sweating at the other end of the plank. The gentleman looked politely mortified and mopped the concern from his brow.

“Miss Flame,” he began, lamenting the sound of her name emerging from his mouth, “our mutual friend Mr Chem has, I believe, chartered your vessel for our trip. I merely wish to embark.”

“I take issue with almost every word you uttered. For starters, it’s Captain. Anything less and I’ll put a bullet in you. Further, friend’s a stretch for both us I reckon – I consider this not to be a charter of my choosing, but that’s between me and Eslie. He said nothing about a passenger of your girth, and I’m sure I’d have noted it in his kind instructions.” Sarcasm was not unknown to Angel and she wielded it like her spittle.

The fat man spluttered and reddened further. He was unused to being addressed so discourteously. In addition he had packed his own bags, having dismissed his manservant for a month (his proposed journeying time) and made his own way to the airfield (excepting the taxi of course, but he had at least dragged his cases from the taxi, if not to it). And now he was being denied permission to even board.

“My apologies Captain,” pride could be choked back for a moment, and rank was something he understood, “allow me to introduce myself. I fear Mr Chem may have let us both down in this regard. I am Professor Guldwych Ryme, of Meriodonal University, and the commissioner of this charter.”

“Ah, well. An academic life would explain your waist, though it poses me a problem. I’ve eight rough lasses and lads who’ll double for crew and cook, plus myself and the inimitable Eslie Chem, wherever he might be at present. I’ve space for one more, but you’ve the diameter of two.” Ryme began to get the impression he would not be enjoying a luxury cabin for this adventure. “You may bring a bag and a case and what you can carry, but that chest remains. We’ve neither space nor the wings to put it all aloft.”

The object of Ryme’s subsequent muttered curses lurked in the stairwell that lead to cabins and engines and was most importantly out of sight. He had a certain fondness for both Ryme and Flame, associates of old from whom he was owed favours and held secrets in reserve. There was something satisfying about pairing the two; he knew they’d get on. Choosing not to supply either one with all the details was a game he barely knew he played, so naturally it came to him. He chose to end their suffering.

“Ryme, Flame. I see you’ve met. How wonderful.”

“Ah, there you are. This… Captain,” Ryme selected the appropriate term with barely a pause, “informs me that my luggage will not fit.”

“Were you able to empty your belly your chest would be welcome,” replied Flame.

“Indeed. The Captain does have the final say aboard ship I’m afraid Professor, but I daresay we could squeeze a few of your keepsakes under a bunk here or there.”

Flame snorted, “you’ll be leaving your bottles behind in balance then Eslie?”
“Let’s see what you can live without shall we,” Chem suggested, stepping past the Captain with iron in his eye.

Flame smirked and withdrew from the end of the gangplank, “the third cabin’s for you Ryme – you’ll be sharing with Knocker and Tosser. They’ll give you a hand stowing your things. You’ve five minutes to make your selections.” So saying she returned to the wingship’s cockpit with a whistle for her mates.

“Sharing?” Ryme began before Chem shushed him and popped open the chest.

“It’s the fastest most available ship there is Professor. There’s always a trade off. We might be a week behind The Dove’s Eye but The Sky Viper will make up that time and more.” He gestured to the ship behind him, “it’s fast, her crew’s dependable – you can rely on Captain Flame alright, and the crew will see our purpose when we do catch up. Now you can’t possibly need all ten volumes of this anatomical encyclopaedia!”

The debate over goods took up almost the first four minutes of their allowance until a terrifying bald man, scrawled over liberally with tattoos stomped down the gangplank and stared at Ryme. That sped the process remarkably. Within five minutes Ryme’s luggage was crammed into a storage locker or kicked under a bunk. He didn’t have the heart to urge caution.

“By the way – Professor, this is Knocker.” Chem encouraged the pair to shake hands. Ryme’s soft hand was enveloped by the coarse fist.

“Oh, that’s a plainsman’s tribal tattoo isn’t it?” Ryme asked, spotting a familiar symbol on the knuckles of Knocker’s right fist. Oddly this proved to be the right thing to say: Knocker’s formidable features softened into creases that would only seem threatening in a bar. In moments they were engrossed in conversation.

Somewhat disappointed, Chem left them to it. He joined Captain Flame in the cockpit as she snapped orders into the horns, directing her crew in the engine room and motor pits. A tremendous flapping commenced, shaking the ship with each beat. It was shortly followed by the propeller roar which tugged the The Sky Viper down the runway field. The beating increased in vigour until they suddenly separated from the ground and soared into the sky.

Next Week: Part 13 – A Chamber of Horrors

In the same series:

Lego Blog: Disordered

Automatic Building

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Lego continues to hold a magical sway over me, even when I can only use the bricks within arm’s reach. Sometimes this happens because I’ve been enpickulated (trapped by Merly), other times it is the result of my natural laziness. I think there’s a lot of value in the random, purposeless building. It’s like automatic writing, or blind painting – you let go and allow the patterns and shapes that reside in your mind to find expression through one medium or other. I guess with Lego more structure is imposed than with drawing, but on the other hand we’re (probably) expanding out in multiple directions. I like that. It feels… like it has potential.

Now whether you attach meaning to those loose-minded rambles in word, ink or brick is a different matter I reckon. I’m sure psychologists have much to say on the subject. I feel it’s more that we identify a pattern of some kind and follow it. It feels like the natural and right thing to do – pursue and promote the pattern; to break the pattern might feel like rejection. That already might be reading too much into it.

Shuffle Heap

I need to reassemble my travelling Lego case. It’s for lunchtimes and train travel… Tricky to get yourself a decent mixture of Lego though. Usually I dismantle a couple of small-medium kits and use the resulting brick broth for joy. If I don’t have that option I’ll just go for what’s in reach. As I haven’t sorted the stuff from home I just swept the top layer into a tray and reclined. And kept adding bits… But I ended up with a weird stressed structure- it’s interesting to see how far bricks can be stretched and bent!

While it’s not a build I especially wanted to continue- the jumble is too jumbled to ever have been a proper building, but it has made me think about damaged stonework in a different way. It’s also lead me to disassemble it and begin again. This time with more bricks of course. And yeah, I think those are supposed to be flamethrowers. I’m not sure why.
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Hayfevered Dreams: A Brain-Scrambled Story #1

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I’d run, if I could. But I can’t get more than two steps before I convulse with sneezing. My skull’s trying to escape straight through the front of my face. Its weight hangs on me; I’m sure my skin is stretching. Fearful of corruption, my bones might be the only part of me that survives this mucosal hell. I’ll have to stop – it’s gone midday and with the sun’s success the plants are celebrating. I’d hoped to get further today – the rocky plains beyond these damnable meadows are almost dead except for some weird lichen, but I think I can handle them. With luck I’ll hit their barren charms tomorrow, I can almost taste the sea breeze that scours the air there.
There’s no shelter here, unless you perversely count the trees (already preparing to toss their load of twig jism into the air). My eyes are twitching, my face is swelling. Soon my nose will be a twin stream juicer drooling snot down me. I’d literally kill for a packet of tissues; my sleeves have barely dried out since yesterday’s torture. I reckon I can tell the difference in taste between the pollen now. It’s always the grass first – a thickness I can feel at the top of my lungs that makes my ears tickle. A thin layer of slime spreads across the roof of my mouth and I know it’s time to stop. I can’t do anything about the next seven or eight hours.
I fall down a steep bank and roll into a stream. It’s not ideal, but I’ll be able to regularly dunk my face in the water. I’m avoiding thinking about what might be in the water. And that’s my afternoon and evening: eyes swollen shut, nose and sinuses so overwhelmed that they gum up and hemorrhage simultaneously. I can barely breathe. Harsh, choking breaths that just draw in more of the foul pollens that infest the air.
It’s the flowers. They’re trying to breed with me. Trying to fuck my cells into new baby plants and flowers. The survey showed nothing – six months of scans and probes in the planet’s winter: no worries. Plenty of plantlife’s supposed to be a good thing, especially when their proteins are miraculously the right way up making for a sustainable food resource. That’s pretty rare – the universe doesn’t usually twist in our favour. My hayfever was a minor problem – irritating but entirely treatable, especially by the military grade pharmaceuticals we were dropped with. I wish I’d had them as a child. Anyway, it wasn’t long before it got badly fucked up. Spring changed everything. I guess it was Clark who we have to thank for it. The guy liked flowers; botanists do. I like how they look, that’s as far as I’ll go – and now, I don’t think I’ll go that far. He insisted on some of the prettier varieties getting potted up inside the compound and in his cabin, said they smelled nice.
We found him dead, obviously. His plants had bloomed. Everything in his cabin was covered in a thin coat of pollen. I left immediately I was sneezing so badly. We hardly needed the post mortem. There were bristled stems and leaves punching through his skin, his eye sockets had nurtured two beautiful tulip like plants. Everyone was upset. The next day Clark got up and started wandering around. We were all upset then. The fucking pollen had burrowed into his nervous system, hijacked it and taken him over. It wasn’t him of course – Clark was dead, very dead – but the flower was now mobile. Until I flamed it up. Yet more upset.
Contamination and containment procedures were reinforced, scouring showers swept the rising pollen count off our suits; the environment units howled with the effort of scrubbing that crawling flower spaff out of our air. It all failed. The machines died first, overwhelmed by the pollen. We followed. Without the jets and sprays we couldn’t get ourselves clear of the stuff. We doubled, tripled, quintupled doses of antibodies but they just didn’t work fast enough. Once that herby jizz was in your eyes or lungs it was just a matter of time. I took to carrying the flamethrower around with me. I suppose that might seem harsh, but until you’ve seen your friends fall to a bunch of fucking flowers and then seen them get up and wander around, maybe delay judgement for a bit.
It wasn’t long before I was the only one left. Turns out my natural over-active histamine response was keeping me clean. I suppose I should be grateful for that, but it’s hard to be thrilled when you’ve got mucous flowing down your throat. So yeah – this is me. Running through a forest full of fornicating flowers that want to fuck me in the eyes, nose and throat. I almost feel like I’m going to make it. Almost. I gashed my hand open falling over a tree trunk yesterday. It doesn’t look too bad, but it itches abominably. I prised open the edge of the wound underwater to clean it and I’m not sure, but I think I can see a thin line of green under the skin. There’s not much I can do about it.
Before I left the camp I made myself a badge. It doesn’t say much, just “if I’ve got flowers in my hair burn me”. I hope that’s clear enough.

This week, Monday 1st July 2013

Welcome to July.

July? How on earth can it be July now? I’m sure it was April last week. Maybe it’s an aspect of getting older but (my remaining) time seems to bound forward alarmingly. I suspect I notice it most in the run up to my birthday – it’s now a month away so I can’t ignore it any more. My other half keeps tempting me with Lego – she’s been/will have been to two Lego Stores in a fortnight. I bleed with envy. I may settle for a cup full of pretty bricks.

Furthest From The SeaFFTS_2013_1Miraculously the sun has appeared and produced some semblance of summer this last weekend, which was fortuitous for the Furthest From The Sea Festival. It’s been a very fine weekend with the regular monthly show at The Glee Club on Friday and the long day in the sun on Saturday. It was a fiercely early beginning of the day as I attempted to put up flags and carry chairs with Scott Thomas; it shouldn’t have been quite so challenging.

The comedy stage under Tony Bigissue Peppiatt‘s guidance kicked off at 11.30 and I rolled out my Captain Pigheart nonsense to a satisfying crowd. I didn’t get to see much else on the comedy stage as it became one of those days of wandering between places and talking to people about improv. There was however the regular sound of familiar musicians drifting across the square which made for a rather lovely day.

We finished it off with a MissImp trio performing an Unspeakable Act based on the Rocky screenplay. I don’t think it usually ends with priest Rocky knocking out the Pope shouting “Jesus was a Jew”. Fine work! I think it was one of those lovely days that cements friendships; nothing bonds people more than dismantling a festival. Thanks to friends and family who could make it along for the ride.

Huge thanks to Matt McGuinness and Tony Peppiatt in particular but with tonnes of respect for the fine graphics of Matt Newton and everyone else who put an awesome amount of work into the best free festival in the East Midlands (I don’t know what happens out West).

♥ This week’s scribbles

Tuesday Hayfevered Dreams: A Brain-Scrambled Story #1 My mind is filled with goop, that’s bound to go well into a story.

Wednesday Lego Blog: Disordered Man, this Lego is a mess.

Thursday The Desert Crystals Part 12 “Hark, The Wings” The series is back!

Friday Film Review Round Up: Man of Steel, Despicable Me 2, Snitch, World War Z  Super short multi-film review time.

Updates on my thrilling life

Writing

I got a surprising amount of last week’s scribblings done on time, though not necessarily in the order I wanted. Ho hum. I’m ending up writing more stuff about myself, particularly my mental health than I’d ever really planned to. I’m not sure why that’s happening – apologies if it’s distracting from the fiction. I suppose it’s just what I feel driven to write at the moment; the gap between my day and my brain is narrower than I’d like.

Last week’s scribbles

Lego MemoriesAutofiction: Betrayal When I’m angry I like to let it out; you’d like me when I’m angry.

Autofiction: Anxiety Games The weird experiences of anxiety and panic.

The Desert Crystals – The Journals Biologinary #3 The third zoological interludes – The Tooth-Furred Gambimole.

Lego Blog: Lego Memories I dig out my old and beloved Lego Space from the ’80s.

Lego

I still have a huge bucket of black, white and grey Lego to sift through, and possibly wash before I can do much with it – the warm weather may make that less of a hassle this week. I’ve also been the recipient of yet more lovely Lego bits from last year’s Lego City advent calendar (thank you Jefuz!). And, in further acquisitorial news The Daily Racist, sorry – Mail had Lego giveaways this weekend. Normally I can’t bear to see a penny spattered on their worthless hate-filled words but Lego will persuade me to give them money and hand back their newspaper. Even better on Sunday we foudn a copy on the train and filled in the coupon. So I now have three Gandalfs and a cool little black car. Victory!

Improv Comedy

Fun show on Friday, it was a bit odd being back down in the claustrophobically ceilinged floor one performance space but I very much enjoyed the work of our team. We did some pretty thoughtful, theatrical improv I think.

Get up Rocky, ya wuss.

Martin, David and I took to the comedy stage at the Furthest From The Sea Festival too. I was very tempted to change our intended show and just do a bunch of scenes off the back of the previous stand up comic whose material was filled with weirdness. Sadly the daytime nature of the show and the kids in the audience didn’t really help her out. Instead we stuck to Unspeakable Acts, offering the audience a choice of Rocky, Titanic and The Phantom Menace as base material. They chose Rocky. It is a terrible screenplay and I don’t think we got further than opening scene where Rocky is battered by (and I kid you not) “BLACK FIGHTER”. We were sold, and proceeded to tell a story about racist Rocky turning to the church via going to war and ending up fighting the Pope in the ring. Great fun, and the audience loved it. Most satisfying…

Parky and I had our last session with the beginners’ class last Monday too. It’s been a wonderful experience; we’ve got as much out of it as the students I think. We need to figure out what to do next for them, to facilitate their development and interest. Personally I’m also glad to have Monday evenings back again! I’ve been consistently impressed with their ability to absorb improv ideas and apply them – we’ve seen some wonderful scenes and I look forwards to playing with them in future.

Media Intake

Books

I burned through A Planet For The President by Alistair Beaton. It’s an easy reading little political satire and I enjoyed it despite it being rather predictable – I just didn’t find the idea of the American government killing the rest of the world that suprising, or much of a stretch. I’ve moved on Peter F Hamilton’s book of (long) short stories Manhattan In Reverse and am finding myself on reassuring and comfortable sci-fi ground.

Films

I’ve taken a couple of days off and overloaded on okay films – too many to compactly scribble about here, so I’m going to try to update you on those later in the week. For reference, I’ve seen The Losers (again – still good fun), Despicable Me 2, Man of Steel, World War Z and Snitch. I have eaten a lot of popcorn.

Events and Excitement

Gorilla Burger – Thursday 11th July

7.30pm at The Corner, Nottingham.
Live improvised lunacy from anyone willing to get up on the stage. Bring your own booze!

Knickerbocker Glorious – Saturday 20th July

11-3 at The Fountain, Market Place, Derby.
I’m compering a day of free music, comedy and spoken word entertainment.

MissImp in Action – Friday 26th July

8.30pm at The Glee Club, Nottingham.
High energy improvised comedy show.
Weeks That Have Come Before

This week, Monday 3rd June 2013 (captainpigheart.com)

This week, Monday 10th June 2013 (captainpigheart.com)

This week, Monday 17th June 2013 (captainpigheart.com)

Lego Blog: Lego Memories

Unearthing Lego

Lego MemoriesI can get terribly excited about excavating old Lego from attics – specifically the one above my old bedroom at my Dad’s house. I knew there was a tonne of stuff up there (as well as Heroquest, Space Crusade and many other marvels) and we extracted it. We played with a lot of it last weekend when my cousin’s son was over (my second cousin?) and it was good.

I brought most of it home in a rucksack. Here’s me emptying that rucksack out. I chose to leave a few things behind – mainly old Fabuland and the monorail track / boat bases / thousands of wheels as they aren’t things I have the space to use.

The Good Stuff

All of it is good stuff, obviously, and it filled two large boxes which I’m still sorting out. I may be running out of Lego storage space (don’t tell my other half I said that). There’s heaps of black and white Lego, largely from the awesome (and questionably named) Blacktron series. Including the crazily large chunks from the Star Base. You can see all the photos below in biggenation on Flickr: http://www.flickr.com/photos/eric_the_bewildered_weasel/sets/72157634375474976/

I even have the instructions for building it which is pretty exciting. I also adore the black-visored space men. I have uses for them I think… There are lots of cool bricks in these sets. I’ve always liked the monitor display panels and now I have many, many more.

 

I’d forgotten the occasional weird logos found on Lego bricks – I’m rather enamoured of the planet-killing Shell tile. I’m sure I can find a use for it. Eagle-eyed readers will no doubt spot the Light & Sound bricks and power box in the red picture. Bless Lego, it used to be a 9 volt battery to power two flashing lights and a siren. We have come a long way. I’ve also now got more awesome transparent yellow and blue bricks. Even more eagle-eyed Action Man types will have spotted the power unit and bases for the Lego Space Trak Monorail… yup, I have that! It’s an awesome construction (although I have left the tracks at Dad’s – I’m now wondering why…) and even without building the whole thing I’m pretty psyched about the strut pieces that come with it in white and black. Maybe now I’ll do what I originally intended to do – build a display unit for mini figures.

Lego Space Trak Monorail

This was one of my favourite ever toys, though I’m slightly ashamed by how much it cost – even back in 1988! (the pics are taken from the 1988 Lego catalogue – an item I jealously prize). One day it will rise again! I have many, many fond and near-identical (so possibly the same) memories of assembling and disassembling this monorail. I always wanted to get extra track, but never did. Hello eBay… mmm, maybe not; the prices are crazy.

Best of All…

Always the minifigures – these spacemen evoke such strong happy memories for me. Even all the ripped open helmets (I blame my brother) make me feel happy. There’s a fair chunk of Lego Castle mixed in which I shall no doubt find diverse uses for, but it’s the Lego space fellers I want to do something with next, once my steampunk progresses a bit anyway.

I’m sure someone can correct me, but I think this stuff came out just before Lego added new expressions other than the bland creepy smile. I’d also forgotten about the amazing metal detector thing in the hands of my blue spaceman. I guess the zipped uniforms are also a slightly different set but I haven’t looked into that yet. So yeah – that’s all my current joy!

I was thrilled to see the blue Spaceman figure in the trailer for the Lego Movie – I think it’s going to be great!

The Desert Crystals – The Journals Biologinary #3

An excerpt from The Journals Biologinary’s accounts of the curious fauna and flora of the Northern Continent.
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The The Tooth-Furred Gambimole

As with so many creatures of the Northern Continent, this animal’s name is both descriptive and utterly belies its nature. Gambimole’s have been observed in a variety of continental locations, and range from the tiny shrew-sized Minor Gambimole up to the horse-sized Queen Gambimole. The chief trait of the Gambimole, and the reason that possibly diverse species are connected under this umbrella term are their curious eating habits. Few other animals have been found able to turn themselves inside out at will, but all forms of Gambimole use this ability in either offence or defence.

The Tooth-Furred Gambimole is a horrid-looking specimen, approximately the size of a large cat. What features are distinguishable are covered in a thick mat of teeth. The appearance of fur is only maintained at a distance, when the observer could be forgiven for thinking the beast camoflaged for snow. On closer inspection, the teeth are firmly embedded in a gum like skin which flexes in odd directions as the animal stumbles about. It is a lumpen brute which displays little intelligence or intentionality.

Its locomotion is legendarily poor. This is considered a natural result of having a spine distributed in bands around one’s body. The spine holds the Gambimole together and on contracting, allows it to entirely turn inside out, placing the teeth on the inside, usually clenched around its prey. In actuality the Gambimole, once killed and stretched can be seen to be a rather thin beast, with all of its organs spread around inside to avoid too much stress upon its inversion. It is unclear whether Gambimoles are able to see properly; their eyes are half buried in folds of skin, so that they are popped up whichever way out the animal is. Their legs are short and stumpy, allowing for a hip joint that support a stunted jointless limb to protrude and jiggle it along the ground. It is not capable of leaping. Dissection is again interesting – then it can be seen that the Gambimole has eight legs, four on either side.

Undoubtedly the most intriguing and upsetting aspect of the Tooth-Furred Gambimole is its accidental predatory nature. Carnivorous, perhaps only because of its limited senses, it responds to touch by immediately rolling itself over and around the toucher. This a highly effective strategy when it has encountered a small animal: its teeth are now inside and vicioulsy grind its prey to pieces and swallows the remains through what previously appeared to be its anus, but when properly inverted is in fact the throat.

Observational studies in the field and laboratory suggest that up to eighty-five percent of the Gambimole’s predations are failures, either because the Gambimole has been struck by a branch, run into a rock or seized the appendage of a much larger animal. The latter selection is sometimes effective, if the Gambimole is able to sever the appendage before being battered to death by its victim.

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Autofiction: Anxiety Games

What Is Anxiety To Me?

Panic Flower

This is my Friday: I’ve had a nice day. Nothing outrageously awesome – just nice. I’ve scored a day off work prior to working a weekend to implement a new system, following nearly 8 months of frequently stressful planning, training, mapping and a hundred other incredibly dull, detail-laden things. I got up late after a superb improv jam the previous night in which I did good stuff, almost destroyed my voice and got a big chunk o’ hope for the local improv scene. Spent the morning (what little of it I was awake for) with my adored pussy cat and a good book. Had a relaxing breakfast, shower and stuff. Fiddled on Facebook. Neil Munro (an excellent gentleman) from Clockwork Prism came round to record a bunch of promotional voice overs for next weekend’s Furthest From The Sea festival in Derby Market Place. We did that and spent a few hours geekily chattering about Lego, Marvel, arts and film. It was very enjoyable. My other half is in Manchester working on 2.8Hrs Later’s new zombie chase game Asylum, so I’m on my own now. She’s staying with my brother and having a good time. She is perfectly safe. I have a quiet evening ahead of me, probably made of a cat, Lego and The Clone Wars: Animated Series; I’m looking forwards to it.

Why Am I Telling You These Things?

This isn’t supposed to be a diary account, but I wanted to set up the context for how I feel right now. There is something clawing its way out of my stomach, its every strike vibrating through my limbs and mind. It’s a horrible, yawning sensation – I am seized and cast into nervous jittery frenzy by it. I cannot decide what to do. Every option makes the hollowness grow wider and deeper. It throws the night into a terrified shadow. This is fucking insane.
I have maybe three things I need to do tonight – do some food shopping, assemble Attack on Weathertop, remember to eat something. That’s it. I even have my beloved Merly on my lap – everything, everything is fine. I have a couple of pain in the arse days ahead of me, but they will be punctuated with laughter, relief and will be the end of a long frustating process. The week that follows will be somewhat stressful, but I’ll be running around doing a hundred things at once – I love being like that. Then I have the Glee Club show, and then the festival the day after. It’s good. The future (at least short-term, which is the furthest I can look) is bright. Yet here I am, riven with a sudden panic like steel butterflies raving in my belly.

Gotta Do… Something

Action, action is required. I go out. Sainsbury’s. We need maybe five things; I have not made a good list – so tense I was incapable of seeing what was in our cupboards. I’ll figure it out when I get there. Cycling is a bad idea if you’re being hammered by anxiety. I am not paying attention. I manage not to die. Sainsbury’s is unpleasantly busy (I think: in reality it probably wasn’t); I race around; I miss half the items and go back round. The place is a fucking maze full of moving meat walls. I have my podcast in my ears. I cannot remember it save the soothing voices. I leave. I leave. I leave. Tesco is calling. They have Lego and space, so much space so much space. I look at no one. I leave with things I don’t need.
I cycle slower on the way back. I feel safer. The weight-lightness in me is healing; I feel calmer. Everything goes into its place. I laugh at myself. I avoid alcohol. I write about how I feel and I am… better. I pause and the panic lurches up through me like a dog in a pit.

Fix

Some time later…
…It seems to me to be a condition without reason. It’s at its worst when I am still, completely inactive. I think maybe it comes along because I feel I ought to be using my time, doing a thing. I don’t think I always should be doing stuff. I’m now taking me pills – the lovely amitryptyline which has me sleeping better – for longer and more regularly than ever in my life. It is wonderful. It also calms me. I try to take it only in the evening since it’s ostensibly for sleep (both anxiety and depression make it tough to sleep – for me), and it does leave me open to drowsiness. I guess I just left it too late tonight. It’s steadily kicking in now. I can feel it. I can feel my muscles unbind and the desperation eases away. The giant tension headache produced by my jaw clenching for fear of gibbering will slowly fade away too. It’s better this way.

Autofiction: Betrayal

Failure On A Hurtful Scale

Once more disappointed; once more betrayed. Ever am I fooled by camaraderie and sense to do the right thing, to commit to a thing. I do what is required, not what is asked of me, for those who ask do not know what is required. In the gaps of their ignorance lie duty and value. And yet we are betrayed by the blind stupidity that comes with ignorance, fear supplanting reason, caution superimposed over the faint outline of purpose. Without a grasp of the stakes we are betrayed by a fawning authority, irrationally bound to its masters.

Fear and hope only pierce the veil of self-interest with vain, glancing blows; easily diverted to further an imaginary cause of ego.

Twisting In The Wind

Where does it leave us? We lay our case, annotate the quiddities for the simplest of readers, only to find it rejected under the banner of baseless dread and supposed authority. If we are failed, ought we not protest? If we are misled, ought we not seek direction? If we are betrayed, ought we not rebel? Apparently not.

Our craven leaders fear leadership, revealing the cowardice common to their kind – keen to rebuke, batter and bully their dependent serfs; faced with a righteous cause to lead they fail, fall twisting; pathetic, in turmoil of servitude to a loathing cause that cares not for their supplication nor their pretended service. In desire to offer a shiny apple they undermine their position, reveal themselves rotten and worthless, unable to assert their strength or support their servants, and so we are left adrift; unsupported; abandoned.

Cut Out Your Tongue

Our silence is expected, demanded; demeaning. The incompetence, the cowardice, the prejudice lie elsewhere; not with us. Yet who bears the brunt of idiotic action? Why, us of course. My fears are not your fears, my pretence is not yours. You wear a mask which colours you foolish, not resolute, not brave, not wise – in opposition to your clear belief.

You are weak; broken; pitiful – yet I have not the pity to spare you. Contempt wells within me, its expression lost in a fugue of bewildered shock – every action you undertake shows you failing; a constant at last in your behaviour.

Every strength you imagine you possess is a weakness, a failed stand supplanted by trite and banal betrayal of those whose loyalty you demand.

This is a fictional account of something that might have happened somewhen to somebody. Or not.

Gigs Ahead: Furthest From The Sea Festival – Derby – Sat 29th June

Derby Gets Awesome

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Coming up this Saturday – from 11am-5pm an entirely FREE festival sprawling over Derby’s Market Place with music, comedy, dance, arts and more! It’s the Furthest from the Sea Festival !

I’ll be there on the comedy stage as Captain Pigheart sometime between 11 and 1.30, then later we’re closing the gig as MissImp with Martin and David. In between times I’ll be running free improvised comedy workshops – drop in and have some fun. The workshop schedule will be available on the day, but they’re likely to be about half an hour long and lots of ’em.

There are too many acts to list easily but many are friends and family of the gigs I’ve done in Derby and Nottingham with MissImp and the Captain. Karl and The Marx Brothers, Misk Hills Mountain Rambler and The DH Lawrence Skiffle Show, Eleanor Lee, and MILLIONS more, including about half the folk who were at Knickerbocker Glorious and even more comedy folk playing for 6 hours continuously than you can shake a stick at. Even a big stick.

Follow on Twitter @furthestfromthe and use hashtag #ffts2013 to talk about it!

Did I mention it’s free? It’s free. More incredibly varied entertainment is also available: Belly Dancing, Capoeira, Poetry Tree, Bling Up Your Bike, craft stalls, merchandise… it just don’t stop.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z_3byFilnl0&w=560&h=315]

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This week, Monday 24th June 2013

Singing On The Edge Of Sun.

CaptainPigheart6I are going bonkizz. I’m writing this while at work, during a brief gap between crises. Sadly this will necessarily be rather abbreviated – apologies. The last couple of weeks have been a struggle to get stuff written, but it looks like this week is about to kick those experiences in the nuts. For reference, it’s 10 past 5 on Sunday afternoon and I’ve been here since before 8 this morning. This is not a good Sunday. Update – I left at 7pm in the end. Not a victorious day…

It’s an awesome week ahead though – MissImp in Action on Friday at The Glee Club and The Furthest From The Sea Festival on Saturday in which I’m hitting the comedy stage in character and out, as well as providing free improv workshops.

♥ This week’s scribbles

Tuesday Gigs Ahead: Furthest From The Sea Festival Sat 29th June

An amazing array of acts and free entertainment this Saturday in Derby.

Wednesday Autofiction: Anxiety Games

The downright weird experience of feeling unreasonably anxious.

Thursday The Desert Crystals – The Journals Biologinary #3

A third zoological interlude – the Tooth Furred Gambimole.

Friday Lego Blog: Lego Memories 

A flashback to my Legoline joy of the 19’80s.

Updates on my thrilling life

Writing

Oosh, long week; little writing. I’ve written a couple of bobs this week, but they’re no longer suitable for posting – very frustrating! The review I wrote of After Earth seems to have gone down quite well with a nice re-blog by BMJ2K – thanks dude! In case you were wondering – it is a terrible film. It’s nice to let of some steam on a thoroughly deserving subject. The Journals Biologinary are amusing me greatly, though I’m looking forwards to getting back into the main story next week.

Saw Droid 3Last week’s scribbles

Lego

Sadly little to report this week. I’ve barely begun sorting the tonne of Lego I brought back from my Dad’s last week – a bit more about that on Friday I think. I did reward myself for a long week with the Attack on Weathertop Lego set. It’s a clever little build, especially the curving castle wall. Lots of fun to make, and I do love the new rearing horsies.

Improv Comedy

It was the penultimate beginners’ session last Monday and we had a very cool time. The gang are becoming very sharp and growing satisfyingly in confidence. I’m not sure what I’ll do on Mondays in future… Also a superb jam on Thursday from our youngest performer, wee Ben. The very interesting mix of MissImpers gave some wonderful group scene work and great hilarity.

Media Intake

Books

Well, as with everything else there has been no time. Sad faces everywhere. I have dug into Stephen Hunt’s next Jackelian adventure – yet more bonkers but brilliant steampunk in Jack Cloudie. We’re off in airships against the Dune Tleilaxu-like Cassarabians. It’s very exciting and I hope to finish it this week.

Events and Excitement

MissImp in Action – Friday 28th June

8.30pm at The Glee Club, Nottingham.
High energy improvised comedy show.

Furthest From The Sea Festival – Saturday 29th June

11am-5pm in the Market Square, Derby.
Free all day festival – music, comedy and more. I’m performing as Captain Pigheart and with MissImp. I’ll also be running improv comedy workshops.

Weeks That Have Come Before

This week, Monday 10th June 2013 (captainpigheart.com)

This week, Monday 10th June 2013 (captainpigheart.com)

This week, Monday 17th June 2013 (captainpigheart.com)

Beer Review: Two Zero Alcohol Beers

Living With A Reduced Alcohol Intake

It’s been a while since I last posted a low alcohol beer review. That’s not because I’ve leaped back on the beverage bus, but there really are only so many zero alcohol beers widely available in pubs and supermarkets. I have continued to drink the best of the zero alc stuff I’ve found though. I’m very disappointed to find that a better balance of drinking and medication is better for me. So I’m mostly not drinking Sunday-Wednesday night, but might have a drink or two Thursday – Saturday nights (but frequently don’t drink then either). I know, it’s like something awful has swallowed my soul!

The Final Findings?

I’d heard rumours of another zero alcohol beer that I might find in a supermarket, tales across the zero alcohol void from other travellers in uninebriated despair. I’ve been slightly suspicious of the alarmingly cheap beers in the supermarket aisles, in exactly the same way I’m sceptical of the quality of the cheapest Basics lager. Generally this has proven wise, but I swallowed my fears and picked up the following marvels.

Bavaria 0.0%

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I rather like the standard Bavaria lager. It’s a clean easy-drinking Dutch lager (I’ve no idea why it’s called Bavaria), so I was prepared to give it a whirl. At first I was deterred by the £3.99 for 6 330ml bottles in Sainsburys. It just doesn’t seem enough to pay for a drink. Then I found 6 330ml cans in Tesco for £1.50: an insane price, but one I could cheerfully toss away without weeping. It’s delicious. It doesn’t really taste like beer I admit, but I’m finding it eminently drinkable, to the point where it’s now my default drink at home.
Rating: Starnosed mole

Bavaria 0.0% Wit Beer

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I like a good wheat beer. In a pub something like Hoegaarden leads the way in well branded, drinkable but not exciting white beers; I hadn’t really expected to find anything that tasted so similar in zero-alc land. But this cheery can by Bavaria is the leader of the zero alcohol wheat beer pack. It’s also the only one I’ve seen, apart from the superb Erdinger. Again, this was in Tesco for £1.50 for 6 cans. It is truly delightful. To properly appreciate these beers you have to give up on the concept of beer I think – consider them the discerning drinker’s Coke. This is like an ice cream soda, and I can drink it perfectly happily. It doesn’t have the lighter notes of the Erdinger, but I love it just the same.
Rating: Jerboa

Cheaper Than Any Other Liquid

I can’t honestly say that these Bavaria beers have a great deal of beery flavour. They have none of the richness of a porter, or delicacy of an IPA. But they both have the clean and refreshing taste of the best European lagers (note that I’m excluding the vile domestic abuse piss of Stella and Kronenbourg 1664). And the price? Well, outrageously they’ve now put the price of both up to an insane £2 for 6 330ml cans. That’s less than 50p a can. Less than any soft drink, less than water. I’d be a fool not to drink them! They have become firm favourites of mine – I drink tea and coffee in the morning and Bavaria 0.0% in the evening. I have no choice but to commend them to you. I have saved both money, and very likely years of my life by switching to Bavaria 0.0% beers.

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The Desert Crystals – The Journals Biologinary #2

An excerpt from The Journals Biologinary’s accounts of the curious fauna and flora of the Northern Continent.
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The Chiverley Hermit Beetle

Amongst the distressing mega-fauna of the Western Plains, which lie predictably west of the Great Bane Desert, are the diversity of enormous insects. The culture, architecture and nightmares of the plainsmen are very much influenced by the creatures they live with. A notable example of the near-symbiosis that can exist between humanity and insect is the Gypsy Beetle, a creature with an unusually large and almost hollow abdomen.

For many centuries the peoples of the caravanserai have cut doors into the great slow-moving insects’ chitinous shells and have lived inside them. There are many examples of the marvellous art work and ingenious design features on the Deathbirth Plain. This is not as terrifying as it sounds; it is simply where the Gypsy Beetles both begin and end their lives – the hatching grounds. It is here that a family home will be abandoned after up to ninety years of the travelling life. With great sadness the occupying family will seal up the entrance into their beetle’s shell and await a fresh larvae, whom they will nurture and protect until it is large enough to return the favour.

An insect at the opposite end of the spectrum is the Chiverley Hermit Beetle. While still huge compared to an insect of the southern end of the Northern Continent, it is more closely related to grasshoppers and crickets, though it stands vertically and attains the approximate height of a man. The Chiverley Hermit Beetle is a solitary creature in its natural habitat and loathes its relatives even through the act of mating.

It is thought that the insect had almost become extinct before people drifted onto the plains, and provided the species with a solution to its self-abhorrence. They discovered that humans are easy to kidnap, and then strip of their bones (including spine and skull) making just enough space for the beetle to squeeze inside the still-living skin and take on the mantle of their victim. They then participate in the somewhat solitary existence of a plains hermit, able to imitate human speech and pass for people in social meetings when they arise.

For many years the ‘knee-talkers’ as they were known to the tribal clans were considered mere folk tales. It was only when Traverstorm Rosenhatch took a team of explorers onto the plains in search of the elusive Hermit Beetle that the truth was fully uncovered. One Alastair Chiverley, the group’s quartermaster went missing one night but returned a day later somewhat stiff and giving the impression of perhaps having had a stroke. The exploration was considered a failure and the team returned to Meridional University. A year later, Chiverley was given a routine medical check (routine for Rosenhatch expeditions) and his ghastly status was uncovered. One of the insects had un-boned the man and successfully imitated him; his wife and children were reportedly embarrassed.

Since the man was technically dead his name was conferred upon the insect. The college was in something of a quandary but eventually employed Chiverley as a research associate, for purposes of keeping it close for study. The beetle lead a short but successful career directing the college’s comic musical theatre group, but left after a spat with the costumier. As far as is known, Chiverley returned to the Western Plains and has not been heard from since.

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